"Splinters" (Fear of Falling, 1985)
Jul. 15th, 2009 11:54 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
riptide_asylumTitle: Splinters
Rating: PG
Summary: Cody faces losing Nick to Peggy...
I don't know when I knew the thing Nick had with Peggy was different. I kept expecting her to disappear like all the others, kept waiting for the morning Nick would shake his head at me and say "Who knows about girls, man? You feel like helping me out with Mimi's plugs today?" But the days stretched into weeks, and I got sick of the sight of that dopey grin on his face, the one that meant he was thinking of her. But what was worse was the space beside me, the one he was meant to be in.
It had always been him and me. Whatever else was going on, no matter how crazy things got, I had that to rely on - Nick at my shoulder, keeping me on track, keeping me alive.
It had worked that way for over a decade, got us through a war and the hell that came after, got us through every day, the good ones and the bad just the same. Until finally smiling came easier, and the nightmares only came in the dark.
It made watching him leave me that much harder to bear.
I'd faced losing Nick before, of course, first in the jungle, and then again when we got home. Both times it felt like part of me was broken, gone; like I'd never feel the same again. The only thing that stopped the pain, those times, was finding him again.
The first time, I slashed my way through half a mile of soaking, stinking green before I found the place his bird went down. He was hurt and trapped, but he hadn't quit on me, and I held him for an hour before the rescue chopper came.
The second time, I walked away, left him standing by the transport and went to the city alone. I pretended I didn't see the hurt in his eyes when I shook his hand and wished him luck.
I lasted three months on my own. The terror was everywhere. I couldn't stand the noises and I couldn't stand the silence. I couldn't stand to be alone and I couldn't stand to be around people. I couldn't hold a job, and I couldn't sleep at all.
When I called him, he cried. When I saw him, I cried, and he held me through the dark.
This time, though, he went beyond my reach, and it nearly broke me. There was no jungle to slash through, no pride to swallow, no way to find him. He'd found a different life, a path I couldn't follow. The nightmares started again, dreams of fire and blood and pain, and for the first time in a decade when I woke up crying, I woke up alone.
I didn't let him see. I smiled for him so hard it hurt, I clasped his hand, I let him tell me that she was the one. I smiled for everyone but me.
Right up until I saw him in that house, until I realized what she'd done to him. That broke me all over again.
The next time I dreamed, it wasn't fear that woke me, it was Nick, and he was crying too. We held each other through the night, and somewhere in the dark I found a memory of the peace she'd stolen away.
In the morning, Nick shook his head at me. "Who knows about girls, man? You feel like helping me out with Mimi's plugs today?"
I laughed instead of crying, and Nick hugged me til it hurt.
Rating: PG
Summary: Cody faces losing Nick to Peggy...
I don't know when I knew the thing Nick had with Peggy was different. I kept expecting her to disappear like all the others, kept waiting for the morning Nick would shake his head at me and say "Who knows about girls, man? You feel like helping me out with Mimi's plugs today?" But the days stretched into weeks, and I got sick of the sight of that dopey grin on his face, the one that meant he was thinking of her. But what was worse was the space beside me, the one he was meant to be in.
It had always been him and me. Whatever else was going on, no matter how crazy things got, I had that to rely on - Nick at my shoulder, keeping me on track, keeping me alive.
It had worked that way for over a decade, got us through a war and the hell that came after, got us through every day, the good ones and the bad just the same. Until finally smiling came easier, and the nightmares only came in the dark.
It made watching him leave me that much harder to bear.
I'd faced losing Nick before, of course, first in the jungle, and then again when we got home. Both times it felt like part of me was broken, gone; like I'd never feel the same again. The only thing that stopped the pain, those times, was finding him again.
The first time, I slashed my way through half a mile of soaking, stinking green before I found the place his bird went down. He was hurt and trapped, but he hadn't quit on me, and I held him for an hour before the rescue chopper came.
The second time, I walked away, left him standing by the transport and went to the city alone. I pretended I didn't see the hurt in his eyes when I shook his hand and wished him luck.
I lasted three months on my own. The terror was everywhere. I couldn't stand the noises and I couldn't stand the silence. I couldn't stand to be alone and I couldn't stand to be around people. I couldn't hold a job, and I couldn't sleep at all.
When I called him, he cried. When I saw him, I cried, and he held me through the dark.
This time, though, he went beyond my reach, and it nearly broke me. There was no jungle to slash through, no pride to swallow, no way to find him. He'd found a different life, a path I couldn't follow. The nightmares started again, dreams of fire and blood and pain, and for the first time in a decade when I woke up crying, I woke up alone.
I didn't let him see. I smiled for him so hard it hurt, I clasped his hand, I let him tell me that she was the one. I smiled for everyone but me.
Right up until I saw him in that house, until I realized what she'd done to him. That broke me all over again.
The next time I dreamed, it wasn't fear that woke me, it was Nick, and he was crying too. We held each other through the night, and somewhere in the dark I found a memory of the peace she'd stolen away.
In the morning, Nick shook his head at me. "Who knows about girls, man? You feel like helping me out with Mimi's plugs today?"
I laughed instead of crying, and Nick hugged me til it hurt.
