riptide_asylum (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
riptide_asylum) wrote2012-06-29 07:25 pm
riptide_asylum) wrote2012-06-29 07:25 pm
Entry tags:
"To The Moon And Back" (Other, 1983)
Title: To the Moon and Back
Rating: R
Summary: Nick and Cody try celebrating Valentine's Day with their dates. Things don't go exactly as planned...
Cody walked home disconsolate. It was supposed to have been the best Valentine's Day on record, and now, at barely sunset, he was already alone. And likely to remain that way for the foreseeable future.
Both he and Nick had serious girls--unusual enough in itself to be worthy of comment. Since Janet, Cody preferred to keep his relationships on a first name basis, and Nick's occasional intense flings burned themselves out, on average, in under a week.
But Cody had started to think that Heather Jessamy was more than all that. She was pretty and poised, a college graduate marking time until she found her perfect man by working in a downtown boutique.
No career ambitions, no high-paying job, and until tonight, no plans to reform Cody.
Nick's girl Charlie was Heather's workmate and best friend. They'd spent a lot of nights double-dating in the month and a half they'd been seeing the girls, and it had been fun.
Heather and Charlie were tolerantly amused by Nick and Cody's competitive streak. And for Valentine's Day, the competition was out in force. No double date tonight; both guys had thrown themselves into planning a night to remember.
Cody didn't know what Nick had ended by arranging for Charlie. For himself, he'd used the cash he'd been saving for the Woody's transmission and taken Heather to the best restaurant he could afford.
The food had been good, but Heather had seemed different. In a designer outfit with pearls at her throat, she reminded Cody uncomfortably of the girls he'd dated in high school, rich girls who'd have laughed at him if he'd ever mentioned his dream of living on a boat.
Without Nick beside him, Cody found the conversation flagging, and he couldn't wait to get out of the oppressive restaurant and onto the beach. Heather was his girl; it was the restaurant that was upsetting things between them.
But tonight, Heather wasn't interested in the beach, she wanted dessert and coffee, and to talk. All about Cody's career plans, and how soon he wanted kids. She knew exactly where she'd like their house to be, and as for cars, well, it would have to be a family sedan...the Woody was so impractical.
Reflecting sourly that the Woody would have been a hell of a lot more practical with a new transmission, Cody somehow managed to keep both his temper and his composure. Right up until the point that Heather smugly admitted she'd booked him into a real estate seminar, starting Monday. "You'd make a fantastic realtor, Cody."
Ten minutes later, Cody was single, Heather was hysterical and the maitre d' was ushering them both out, looking remarkably frosty. Heather slapped Cody's face when he half-heartedly suggested walking her home and jumped in a cab.
Cody slipped the maitre d' five bucks, which didn't change his expression one iota, then started back to Pier 56.
***
Cody went aboard the Riptide weighing up the attractions of the imported beer in the fridge against Nick's tequila at the back of the pantry-cupboard, untouched since Christmas. But as he entered the salon, Nick's jacket lying across the couch stopped him cold.
He gave a low, enquiring whistle. It was rare for either of them to bring a girl aboard, especially without warning, but Nick might have counted on Cody being busy with Heather. Cody mentally considered the contents of his wallet. If he had to, he could take a room at Straightaway's--and he figured he'd be justified in asking Nick to go halves.
"Cody!" Nick bounded up the aft stairs, looking disheveled and flustered. "Didn't realize you were bringing Heather back here."
"No Heather." Cody frowned and stepped closer. "Where's Charlie? What happened, buddy?" Nick's shirt was torn, and he was starting what looked like an impressive black eye.
Nick touched his cheekbone and winced. "Turns out Charlie's got some wild ideas. No big deal. Where's Heather, anyhow?"
"She's got ideas too. Big ideas. She wants me to go into real estate."
"Real estate, huh? You'd be good at that." Nick eyed him speculatively. "When's the wedding?"
Cody gave a short, hollow laugh. "Was I acting that serious? Because let me tell you, buddy, I didn't know that girl I took out tonight. I dunno, every time I think I'm onto a good thing, she turns out to be some kind of psycho."
Nick's eyebrows shot up. "Sounds to me like you need a beer, man."
Cody dropped onto the couch, listening as Nick jingled bottles in the galley. He'd meant to be flippant, but when he thought about it there was a lot of truth in what he'd said.
"Every girl I ever met," he said slowly as Nick came back up the stairs, "she only wants to tell me how I can make her dreams come true. How I gotta settle down, make nice for her family, spend the weekends taking her out. Buy her a puppy. Sell my boat, my car, my fucking life and get a real job. A real estate job. What's that all about, Nick?"
Nick handed Cody a beer and sat down beside him. "Life's like that, you know, big guy. Everyone's lookin' out for number one. Love... people talk about love, but that's not what they mean. They're just talking about how good someone makes them feel. That Heather, she didn't love you, man. She loved walking down the pier with a great-looking guy on her arm, making her friends jealous."
"I dunno, Nick. Maybe it's me. Maybe... maybe it's time to think about making some changes."
"Changes?" Cody heard anger spark in Nick's voice, and took a long swallow of his own beer. "Changes like what?"
Cody shrugged unhappily and took another drink, this time draining half the bottle.
"You listen to me, pal. Any girl who wants to change you isn't worth your time. If that's what she wants, some guy who looks like you but dresses differently, lives differently, talks differently... Cody, she doesn't want you. You gotta trust me on this, man."
"I guess." Cody shifted closer, sliding his hip against Nick's, seeking the familiar comfort of Nick's touch.
Nick slung his arm around Cody's shoulders, and spoke more softly. "Don't sweat it, big guy. We got time, you know? Those girls want to tie you down, send you off nine-to-five and have the neighbors over on the weekend." Nick took a long drink, then set his bottle down. "You know what, Cody, maybe if I'd never have gone to Vietnam I'd want that. I dunno. All I know is, right now, I ain't ready. I need space, man."
Cody nodded slowly, sipping his own beer. There was a lot of truth in what Nick said. As much as he wanted someone to care for him, he couldn't imagine himself in the suburbs. "I need the boat," he said in a low voice. "I need... I need you." He stopped suddenly, hearing his own words, blushed and pulled away. "I mean -- I mean --"
"Hey, it's okay." Nick sat back, his hand resting on Cody's back. "I know what you mean. I need you too, Cody. If you weren't beside me... " Nick puffed out his cheeks and blew out a long breath. "Sometimes it feels like I just don't breathe right when you're not around."
Cody felt emotion constricting his chest, and hurried into a laugh. It sounded hollow and shallow in his own ears. "That sounds serious, buddy. Wouldn't want you to end up on a ventilator because of me."
Nick looked at him a long moment, his expression a curious mixture of exasperation and amusement. Then he slapped Cody's back and took a slug of beer. "No danger of that, big guy. Why doncha see what's on tv? You want another beer?"
***
There was nothing worth watching on tv but they left it running anyhow as they drank their beers and unwound. As Nick relaxed, he let a hint or two drop about his disastrous evening with Charlie.
Nick was like that when he was embarrassed about something, or maybe confused about how he felt. He didn't like to answer direct questions, but Nick would tell Cody sooner or later -- he always did.
A cop show came on, full of action and car chases and gunfire. Onscreen, one of the bad guys slugged a cop and he went down. His partner ran to his aid.
Cody touched Nick's bruised cheek lightly. He was sitting in the corner of the booth, feet drawn up, and Nick was leaning against his shoulder. "How's it feeling?"
"A little tender." Nick shrugged and rubbed his eye. "Glad I didn't get roughed up as bad as that guy." He gestured at the tv.
"I dunno. These tv cops, they can get knocked out six times an episode and bounce right back."
Nick gave a short laugh. "Man, I gotta see about becoming one of those, then. Way I remember it, anytime someone slugged me with a chair leg I felt like I'd been hit by a bus for a week or more."
"You haven't been fighting a chair leg tonight, right?" Cody leaned forward, concerned, scanning Nick's eyes. "Any chance you're concussed?"
"Nah, just bruised. It was just a scuffle."
Cody slung his arm around Nick's shoulders as he leaned back, and Nick took the hint, swinging his own legs up to the bench and leaning back into Cody. "Thanks," he muttered.
Cody kneaded Nick's shoulders gently then rested an arm across Nick's chest. Nick was still tense but as he worked his way down his third beer, Cody felt his breathing deepening as he let Cody take more and more of his weight.
"Big plans, huh, big guy? Whaddaya think, did we do the right thing?"
"By breaking up with them?" Cody sipped his beer. "Yes. I guess, anyhow. I mean, I coulda gone to the realtor seminar. Hell, maybe I coulda taken up selling houses for a living. But the rest...taking on Heather full-time, having kids, living in the suburbs, the whole nine yards...it sounds okay when you say it fast, you know?"
"Yeah." Nick hesitated. "No. No, it doesn't."
"What do you mean?"
"It doesn't sound okay, Cody. Not for you, anyhow. You always wanted to live on a boat. And just because some girl wants a picket fence -- man, I'm not gonna sit around and let you throw that dream away."
Cody took a deep breath and let it out slow. "I didn't think Heather wanted me to."
"And I didn't think Charlie was a swinger until three of her friends arrived, complete with their boyfriends."
"A swinger?" Cody swung his feet to the floor, half-turning to look at Nick. "Like wife-swapping, you mean?"
"Seemed that way. I didn't stay long enough to find out for sure."
"You had to fight your way out?"
"Not exactly." Nick touched his bruised face. "I left in kind of a hurry. The guard in the parking lot thought I was a car thief or something. I, uh, wasn't in the mood for long-winded explanations."
"I guess not." Cody grinned a little, then sobered. "Girl-swapping, huh? And she just set it up without even talking to you about it? What on earth made her think you'd go for it?"
"Apparently she didn't realize I was such a square," Nick said wryly. "It's the new way to women's lib or some bull like that."
"Women's lib? How the hell?"
"Empowered women do what they want with their own bodies," Nick mimicked. "You don't own me, Nick, just because we've been going out."
"Empowered women do..." Cody coughed. "Remind me not to date any of them, okay?"
"You're on." Nick sighed, then stood and stretched. "C'mon. You ready to turn in?"
Cody drained his beer, flicked off the tv and followed Nick down the stairs.
***
The evening with Nick had left Cody relaxed, all his earlier turmoil about Heather pushed aside, and he could have slept easily. But in the other bunk, Nick was still tight, still upset. Cody couldn't have explained how he knew -- he just did.
So instead of turning out the light, he kept on slowly turning the pages of his magazine, smothering yawns, listening to Nick breathe.
Nick rolled over at last. "You wanna get the light, man?"
Cody flicked it off and lay down, turning to face his partner. They were less than a foot apart, and Cody reached across the narrow space between the beds. Gently he ran his fingers over Nick's hand where it rested on the blanket.
Nick sighed and squeezed Cody's fingers in a brief gesture of thanks. "All that...I don't want it, man. You know?" He rolled onto his back, releasing Cody's hand. The light was too dim for Cody to see his expression.
"What, the swinging scene? Hell, I know that. Reminds me of the army, and that was bad enough."
"Yeah. But that's not what I meant." Nick sighed. "Say tonight'd gone well. Say you and me were walkin' around tomorrow grinning like we just got off the Contessa, right? Then what?"
"I don't think I'm following you, pal."
"I liked Charlie, you know? We had fun. But that's all, Cody. I didn't wanna marry her. I didn't wanna get an apartment with her. That's not what I want right now."
"So another girl'll come along soon, and maybe she'll be the one."
"No. That's what I'm saying. I don't want that, buddy. I wanna be right here on the boat, living with you, hanging out with you, pullin' crazy stunts when we feel like it."
Cody rolled onto his back, staring up into the dark. Nick's words had the ring of truth. "I always thought I wanted to get married," he said slowly. But when he thought of the future, it was never his fictional wife or his hypothetical children. It was Nick, always Nick -- still beside him, still his partner. He thought of Heather, and all the nights he'd slipped from her bed as soon as she fell asleep. Because when it came down to it, Cody was only really comfortable sleeping in his own bunk, in his own stateroom. With Nick a bare foot away.
"As long as you marry the right girl, I'll be real happy for you." Nick's tone was light, but Cody heard the strain behind the words.
"I won't have a choice. Any girl who'll sleep up front by herself so her husband can share with his best buddy is guaranteed to be the right girl."
Nick was silent for a while, then laughed softly. "You too, huh? How many nights did you sleep over at Heather's, anyhow?"
"Maybe four."
"Yeah? Get any sleep?"
"Nope." Cody rolled back to face Nick again. "You're right. I'm just not husband material."
"Hey, wait. That wasn't what I said."
"I know. But it's what I'm saying."
"For the record, I think you'd be a great husband. But every chick you dated since I've known you would've been a lousy wife."
Cody laughed out. "I'm gonna take that as a compliment, big guy."
***
Cody lay awake well into the small hours of the morning. He was tired, but sleep was strangely elusive. He couldn't get Nick's words out of his head.
I wanna be right here on the boat, living with you, hanging out with you, pullin' crazy stunts when we feel like it.
"I want that too, my friend," Cody said under his breath. He'd been enraptured by the idea of Heather, but when he thought about his life, there was no place in it for a wife -- or even for a steady girl.
He and Nick had a loose routine that would have seemed haphazard to the casual observer. But for Cody, the careless structure was a lifeline. The loose plans that got them up in the mornings, got them started, combined with the freedom to drop a day when one of them needed time out -- after the strict regimentation of the army and the hectic years flying cargo, it was a much-needed breather.
Cody thought of the demands of a wife, a family, a career, and quailed inwardly. He wasn't ready; maybe he never would be ready. And one thing was sure: he would never be ready for a life without Nick.
Turning on his side, he blocked all thoughts of women from his mind and closed his eyes.
There was a thump from the other bunk followed by Nick shouting his name. Cody was up before he thought about it, up and at Nick's side, shouting back. Shouting until Nick's eyes flicked open; until it was safe to reach out and hold him.
Still mostly asleep, Nick launched one half-hearted punch as Cody gripped his shoulder. Cody blocked it with the ease of long practice, then hauled Nick into his arms, speaking quietly now. Any words, nonsense words, just so the sound of his voice would ease Nick out of the nightmare and back into the reality of their small safe cabin.
The fight went out of Nick with a shudder and he let Cody take his weight, leaning into the embrace.
"Okay?" Cody asked softly, holding Nick hard.
Nick's voice snagged on an indrawn breath and he coughed. "Yeah." He moved a little, burying his head against Cody's neck. "Hit you?"
"Nah." Cody rubbed his cheek against Nick's hair. Nick liked Cody to stroke his hair, and later, when he was drifting back to sleep, Cody would do it willingly. But for now, it was too early to let go.
"Sorry," Nick mumbled, burrowing further into Cody's arms.
Cody shifted back against the wall. His arms were starting to ache with the strain of holding Nick so tight. That was good.
"Nothing to be sorry for, buddy. Just you 'n me down here."
"Mmm." Nick shivered. "Heather...she's not here, right?"
"Heather?" Cody furrowed his brows. "She's history, Nick."
"Right." Nick breathed deep, shoulders rising and falling as he relaxed.
Cody loosened his hold and started to rub Nick's back. "You were dreaming, buddy. Just a dream."
"Just a dream," Nick repeated, and sighed. "Not this, though, right? This is real?"
"What do you mean?" Cody ran his hand through Nick's hair. "What's real?"
"This. Us." Nick looked up into Cody's face and swallowed hard. "She made you sell the boat...she took you away from me. That's the dream, right? That's the dream, not -- not this?"
"That's the dream," Cody said, dry-mouthed. "God, Nick, I'd never--I couldn't leave you, buddy, I wouldn't. You gotta know that."
Nick sat up. He looked as spooked as Cody had ever seen him. "Thought I did. Then she came... I really thought this was it, man. Thought she'd hooked you. Thought for sure I was gonna lose you for good. Then the dream..." He dropped his head in his hands.
"You'll never lose me for good. Never." Cody shifted closer, wrapping his arms around Nick again. "Couldn't do it without you, Nick. Wouldn't even try."
Usually they combated nightmares with fresh air and coffee, but something told Cody tonight was different. He lay down carefully in the narrow bunk, easing Nick into the space beside him. At first Nick nestled close willingly, taking Cody's comfort.
Cody was quiet now. The time for talking was past. He rubbed Nick's back lightly, feeling Nick coming fully awake in the tiny changes in his breathing, in the distribution of his weight. He waited for the moment Nick would pull away, embarrassed by the dream and his own weakness.
But it didn't come. Instead, Nick rolled onto his side, patting Cody lightly until Cody rolled with him, bringing his back against Nick's chest. Nick slid his arms around Cody's bare chest, holding him close.
"You 'n me," he said quietly. "Never mattered to me where we were, you know? Vietnam, Fort Polk, L.A. Wouldn't've cared if we were on the moon, long as I had you. An' I always knew that sometime it was gonna end; some girl'd take you away."
"I won't let it end. I feel the same way about us, Nick."
"I dunno, Cody. Sometimes I think you do. Other times...other times I think I'm just a fucked-up vet, and what I oughtta do is go back to the army full-time."
"You what?" Cody sat up suddenly, twisting around to look down at Nick. "You want to go back to the army?" Confusion and fear battled for supremacy inside him. "You want to leave?"
"No, Cody. No, I don't want to leave." Nick propped himself up on his elbow, looking into Cody's eyes. He looked both sad and worried, Cody thought. "But sometimes I think I should."
Cody swallowed hard. "Why?"
Nick reached up and touched Cody's cheek lightly. "Because I love you, you jerk. Because every time you look at a chick, I die a little. Because you're it, Cody Allen. You're everything I want."
Cody stared into the sincerity in Nick's eyes. He knew what Nick meant -- it would have been foolish to deny it, to willingly misunderstand. They were too close to let a lie between them. But acknowledging the truth was terrifying.
Abruptly, Cody swung his legs off the bunk, turning his back on Nick and sitting on the edge. He rested his elbows on his knees and let his head fall forward, breathing hard. He felt Nick tense behind him, felt Nick holding himself in check. Felt how desperately Nick wanted to close the space between them.
Cody's gut churned. He wanted Nick to -- more than anything he wanted the safety of his partner's arms, holding the danger, the fear, at bay. Things can't change. Why'd you do this, Nick? I can't do this -- I can't bear this. He could run -- dress and run from the boat, leave this night and what it had brought behind him. March into his real estate seminar Monday morning, in a sharp suit and a sharper smile, all ready for his brand new life.
Or he could stay.
Cody sat still, the two scenarios running in tandem through his head. He told himself he was weighing them up, making a decision, a choice, but the thought rang hollow in his head. There was no choice to make.
Nick's fingertips brushed the small of Cody's back very softly -- apology, question, plea. "Forget it, pal. I didn't mean -- it's the nightmare talking, you know? That's all. Just forget it."
Cody swallowed a lump in his throat. Nick. His only choice -- his home, his heart. Slowly he turned back, drawing up one knee.
Nick was sitting up, watching him. As Cody turned, he tried a smile. "Sorry. That nightmare musta been a doozy -- I don't really remember it but man, I'm so shook up -- just forget everything I said, okay?"
Cody watched him for a moment, then slowly shook his head. "No. I'm not gonna forget any of it...not now, not ever. Everything you said, Nick. What's real... You're right. This is real, and there ain't nothing else comes close."
"Really?" Nick reached out, laid a hand on Cody's shoulder. "You mean that, Cody?"
"You know I do." Cody leaned in close until his forehead rested against Nick's. "Life's not worth living without you." Hesitantly, he let his lips just barely brush Nick's.
A shudder went through Nick, and he repeated the kiss, slightly harder, slightly longer. Cody felt it that time, a jolt like a lightning storm hitting the mast, slamming him deep down in his core.
"Nick," he whispered, his voice full of wonder. "Nick, I love you too."
Nick kissed him again, a real kiss this time, wet and full. "I know that, genius," he muttered, and wrapped his arms around Cody. "I just wasn't sure you knew it. But seeing as you do... you 'n me, Cody. What say we go to the moon?"
"With you every step of the way."
Rating: R
Summary: Nick and Cody try celebrating Valentine's Day with their dates. Things don't go exactly as planned...
Cody walked home disconsolate. It was supposed to have been the best Valentine's Day on record, and now, at barely sunset, he was already alone. And likely to remain that way for the foreseeable future.
Both he and Nick had serious girls--unusual enough in itself to be worthy of comment. Since Janet, Cody preferred to keep his relationships on a first name basis, and Nick's occasional intense flings burned themselves out, on average, in under a week.
But Cody had started to think that Heather Jessamy was more than all that. She was pretty and poised, a college graduate marking time until she found her perfect man by working in a downtown boutique.
No career ambitions, no high-paying job, and until tonight, no plans to reform Cody.
Nick's girl Charlie was Heather's workmate and best friend. They'd spent a lot of nights double-dating in the month and a half they'd been seeing the girls, and it had been fun.
Heather and Charlie were tolerantly amused by Nick and Cody's competitive streak. And for Valentine's Day, the competition was out in force. No double date tonight; both guys had thrown themselves into planning a night to remember.
Cody didn't know what Nick had ended by arranging for Charlie. For himself, he'd used the cash he'd been saving for the Woody's transmission and taken Heather to the best restaurant he could afford.
The food had been good, but Heather had seemed different. In a designer outfit with pearls at her throat, she reminded Cody uncomfortably of the girls he'd dated in high school, rich girls who'd have laughed at him if he'd ever mentioned his dream of living on a boat.
Without Nick beside him, Cody found the conversation flagging, and he couldn't wait to get out of the oppressive restaurant and onto the beach. Heather was his girl; it was the restaurant that was upsetting things between them.
But tonight, Heather wasn't interested in the beach, she wanted dessert and coffee, and to talk. All about Cody's career plans, and how soon he wanted kids. She knew exactly where she'd like their house to be, and as for cars, well, it would have to be a family sedan...the Woody was so impractical.
Reflecting sourly that the Woody would have been a hell of a lot more practical with a new transmission, Cody somehow managed to keep both his temper and his composure. Right up until the point that Heather smugly admitted she'd booked him into a real estate seminar, starting Monday. "You'd make a fantastic realtor, Cody."
Ten minutes later, Cody was single, Heather was hysterical and the maitre d' was ushering them both out, looking remarkably frosty. Heather slapped Cody's face when he half-heartedly suggested walking her home and jumped in a cab.
Cody slipped the maitre d' five bucks, which didn't change his expression one iota, then started back to Pier 56.
***
Cody went aboard the Riptide weighing up the attractions of the imported beer in the fridge against Nick's tequila at the back of the pantry-cupboard, untouched since Christmas. But as he entered the salon, Nick's jacket lying across the couch stopped him cold.
He gave a low, enquiring whistle. It was rare for either of them to bring a girl aboard, especially without warning, but Nick might have counted on Cody being busy with Heather. Cody mentally considered the contents of his wallet. If he had to, he could take a room at Straightaway's--and he figured he'd be justified in asking Nick to go halves.
"Cody!" Nick bounded up the aft stairs, looking disheveled and flustered. "Didn't realize you were bringing Heather back here."
"No Heather." Cody frowned and stepped closer. "Where's Charlie? What happened, buddy?" Nick's shirt was torn, and he was starting what looked like an impressive black eye.
Nick touched his cheekbone and winced. "Turns out Charlie's got some wild ideas. No big deal. Where's Heather, anyhow?"
"She's got ideas too. Big ideas. She wants me to go into real estate."
"Real estate, huh? You'd be good at that." Nick eyed him speculatively. "When's the wedding?"
Cody gave a short, hollow laugh. "Was I acting that serious? Because let me tell you, buddy, I didn't know that girl I took out tonight. I dunno, every time I think I'm onto a good thing, she turns out to be some kind of psycho."
Nick's eyebrows shot up. "Sounds to me like you need a beer, man."
Cody dropped onto the couch, listening as Nick jingled bottles in the galley. He'd meant to be flippant, but when he thought about it there was a lot of truth in what he'd said.
"Every girl I ever met," he said slowly as Nick came back up the stairs, "she only wants to tell me how I can make her dreams come true. How I gotta settle down, make nice for her family, spend the weekends taking her out. Buy her a puppy. Sell my boat, my car, my fucking life and get a real job. A real estate job. What's that all about, Nick?"
Nick handed Cody a beer and sat down beside him. "Life's like that, you know, big guy. Everyone's lookin' out for number one. Love... people talk about love, but that's not what they mean. They're just talking about how good someone makes them feel. That Heather, she didn't love you, man. She loved walking down the pier with a great-looking guy on her arm, making her friends jealous."
"I dunno, Nick. Maybe it's me. Maybe... maybe it's time to think about making some changes."
"Changes?" Cody heard anger spark in Nick's voice, and took a long swallow of his own beer. "Changes like what?"
Cody shrugged unhappily and took another drink, this time draining half the bottle.
"You listen to me, pal. Any girl who wants to change you isn't worth your time. If that's what she wants, some guy who looks like you but dresses differently, lives differently, talks differently... Cody, she doesn't want you. You gotta trust me on this, man."
"I guess." Cody shifted closer, sliding his hip against Nick's, seeking the familiar comfort of Nick's touch.
Nick slung his arm around Cody's shoulders, and spoke more softly. "Don't sweat it, big guy. We got time, you know? Those girls want to tie you down, send you off nine-to-five and have the neighbors over on the weekend." Nick took a long drink, then set his bottle down. "You know what, Cody, maybe if I'd never have gone to Vietnam I'd want that. I dunno. All I know is, right now, I ain't ready. I need space, man."
Cody nodded slowly, sipping his own beer. There was a lot of truth in what Nick said. As much as he wanted someone to care for him, he couldn't imagine himself in the suburbs. "I need the boat," he said in a low voice. "I need... I need you." He stopped suddenly, hearing his own words, blushed and pulled away. "I mean -- I mean --"
"Hey, it's okay." Nick sat back, his hand resting on Cody's back. "I know what you mean. I need you too, Cody. If you weren't beside me... " Nick puffed out his cheeks and blew out a long breath. "Sometimes it feels like I just don't breathe right when you're not around."
Cody felt emotion constricting his chest, and hurried into a laugh. It sounded hollow and shallow in his own ears. "That sounds serious, buddy. Wouldn't want you to end up on a ventilator because of me."
Nick looked at him a long moment, his expression a curious mixture of exasperation and amusement. Then he slapped Cody's back and took a slug of beer. "No danger of that, big guy. Why doncha see what's on tv? You want another beer?"
***
There was nothing worth watching on tv but they left it running anyhow as they drank their beers and unwound. As Nick relaxed, he let a hint or two drop about his disastrous evening with Charlie.
Nick was like that when he was embarrassed about something, or maybe confused about how he felt. He didn't like to answer direct questions, but Nick would tell Cody sooner or later -- he always did.
A cop show came on, full of action and car chases and gunfire. Onscreen, one of the bad guys slugged a cop and he went down. His partner ran to his aid.
Cody touched Nick's bruised cheek lightly. He was sitting in the corner of the booth, feet drawn up, and Nick was leaning against his shoulder. "How's it feeling?"
"A little tender." Nick shrugged and rubbed his eye. "Glad I didn't get roughed up as bad as that guy." He gestured at the tv.
"I dunno. These tv cops, they can get knocked out six times an episode and bounce right back."
Nick gave a short laugh. "Man, I gotta see about becoming one of those, then. Way I remember it, anytime someone slugged me with a chair leg I felt like I'd been hit by a bus for a week or more."
"You haven't been fighting a chair leg tonight, right?" Cody leaned forward, concerned, scanning Nick's eyes. "Any chance you're concussed?"
"Nah, just bruised. It was just a scuffle."
Cody slung his arm around Nick's shoulders as he leaned back, and Nick took the hint, swinging his own legs up to the bench and leaning back into Cody. "Thanks," he muttered.
Cody kneaded Nick's shoulders gently then rested an arm across Nick's chest. Nick was still tense but as he worked his way down his third beer, Cody felt his breathing deepening as he let Cody take more and more of his weight.
"Big plans, huh, big guy? Whaddaya think, did we do the right thing?"
"By breaking up with them?" Cody sipped his beer. "Yes. I guess, anyhow. I mean, I coulda gone to the realtor seminar. Hell, maybe I coulda taken up selling houses for a living. But the rest...taking on Heather full-time, having kids, living in the suburbs, the whole nine yards...it sounds okay when you say it fast, you know?"
"Yeah." Nick hesitated. "No. No, it doesn't."
"What do you mean?"
"It doesn't sound okay, Cody. Not for you, anyhow. You always wanted to live on a boat. And just because some girl wants a picket fence -- man, I'm not gonna sit around and let you throw that dream away."
Cody took a deep breath and let it out slow. "I didn't think Heather wanted me to."
"And I didn't think Charlie was a swinger until three of her friends arrived, complete with their boyfriends."
"A swinger?" Cody swung his feet to the floor, half-turning to look at Nick. "Like wife-swapping, you mean?"
"Seemed that way. I didn't stay long enough to find out for sure."
"You had to fight your way out?"
"Not exactly." Nick touched his bruised face. "I left in kind of a hurry. The guard in the parking lot thought I was a car thief or something. I, uh, wasn't in the mood for long-winded explanations."
"I guess not." Cody grinned a little, then sobered. "Girl-swapping, huh? And she just set it up without even talking to you about it? What on earth made her think you'd go for it?"
"Apparently she didn't realize I was such a square," Nick said wryly. "It's the new way to women's lib or some bull like that."
"Women's lib? How the hell?"
"Empowered women do what they want with their own bodies," Nick mimicked. "You don't own me, Nick, just because we've been going out."
"Empowered women do..." Cody coughed. "Remind me not to date any of them, okay?"
"You're on." Nick sighed, then stood and stretched. "C'mon. You ready to turn in?"
Cody drained his beer, flicked off the tv and followed Nick down the stairs.
***
The evening with Nick had left Cody relaxed, all his earlier turmoil about Heather pushed aside, and he could have slept easily. But in the other bunk, Nick was still tight, still upset. Cody couldn't have explained how he knew -- he just did.
So instead of turning out the light, he kept on slowly turning the pages of his magazine, smothering yawns, listening to Nick breathe.
Nick rolled over at last. "You wanna get the light, man?"
Cody flicked it off and lay down, turning to face his partner. They were less than a foot apart, and Cody reached across the narrow space between the beds. Gently he ran his fingers over Nick's hand where it rested on the blanket.
Nick sighed and squeezed Cody's fingers in a brief gesture of thanks. "All that...I don't want it, man. You know?" He rolled onto his back, releasing Cody's hand. The light was too dim for Cody to see his expression.
"What, the swinging scene? Hell, I know that. Reminds me of the army, and that was bad enough."
"Yeah. But that's not what I meant." Nick sighed. "Say tonight'd gone well. Say you and me were walkin' around tomorrow grinning like we just got off the Contessa, right? Then what?"
"I don't think I'm following you, pal."
"I liked Charlie, you know? We had fun. But that's all, Cody. I didn't wanna marry her. I didn't wanna get an apartment with her. That's not what I want right now."
"So another girl'll come along soon, and maybe she'll be the one."
"No. That's what I'm saying. I don't want that, buddy. I wanna be right here on the boat, living with you, hanging out with you, pullin' crazy stunts when we feel like it."
Cody rolled onto his back, staring up into the dark. Nick's words had the ring of truth. "I always thought I wanted to get married," he said slowly. But when he thought of the future, it was never his fictional wife or his hypothetical children. It was Nick, always Nick -- still beside him, still his partner. He thought of Heather, and all the nights he'd slipped from her bed as soon as she fell asleep. Because when it came down to it, Cody was only really comfortable sleeping in his own bunk, in his own stateroom. With Nick a bare foot away.
"As long as you marry the right girl, I'll be real happy for you." Nick's tone was light, but Cody heard the strain behind the words.
"I won't have a choice. Any girl who'll sleep up front by herself so her husband can share with his best buddy is guaranteed to be the right girl."
Nick was silent for a while, then laughed softly. "You too, huh? How many nights did you sleep over at Heather's, anyhow?"
"Maybe four."
"Yeah? Get any sleep?"
"Nope." Cody rolled back to face Nick again. "You're right. I'm just not husband material."
"Hey, wait. That wasn't what I said."
"I know. But it's what I'm saying."
"For the record, I think you'd be a great husband. But every chick you dated since I've known you would've been a lousy wife."
Cody laughed out. "I'm gonna take that as a compliment, big guy."
***
Cody lay awake well into the small hours of the morning. He was tired, but sleep was strangely elusive. He couldn't get Nick's words out of his head.
I wanna be right here on the boat, living with you, hanging out with you, pullin' crazy stunts when we feel like it.
"I want that too, my friend," Cody said under his breath. He'd been enraptured by the idea of Heather, but when he thought about his life, there was no place in it for a wife -- or even for a steady girl.
He and Nick had a loose routine that would have seemed haphazard to the casual observer. But for Cody, the careless structure was a lifeline. The loose plans that got them up in the mornings, got them started, combined with the freedom to drop a day when one of them needed time out -- after the strict regimentation of the army and the hectic years flying cargo, it was a much-needed breather.
Cody thought of the demands of a wife, a family, a career, and quailed inwardly. He wasn't ready; maybe he never would be ready. And one thing was sure: he would never be ready for a life without Nick.
Turning on his side, he blocked all thoughts of women from his mind and closed his eyes.
There was a thump from the other bunk followed by Nick shouting his name. Cody was up before he thought about it, up and at Nick's side, shouting back. Shouting until Nick's eyes flicked open; until it was safe to reach out and hold him.
Still mostly asleep, Nick launched one half-hearted punch as Cody gripped his shoulder. Cody blocked it with the ease of long practice, then hauled Nick into his arms, speaking quietly now. Any words, nonsense words, just so the sound of his voice would ease Nick out of the nightmare and back into the reality of their small safe cabin.
The fight went out of Nick with a shudder and he let Cody take his weight, leaning into the embrace.
"Okay?" Cody asked softly, holding Nick hard.
Nick's voice snagged on an indrawn breath and he coughed. "Yeah." He moved a little, burying his head against Cody's neck. "Hit you?"
"Nah." Cody rubbed his cheek against Nick's hair. Nick liked Cody to stroke his hair, and later, when he was drifting back to sleep, Cody would do it willingly. But for now, it was too early to let go.
"Sorry," Nick mumbled, burrowing further into Cody's arms.
Cody shifted back against the wall. His arms were starting to ache with the strain of holding Nick so tight. That was good.
"Nothing to be sorry for, buddy. Just you 'n me down here."
"Mmm." Nick shivered. "Heather...she's not here, right?"
"Heather?" Cody furrowed his brows. "She's history, Nick."
"Right." Nick breathed deep, shoulders rising and falling as he relaxed.
Cody loosened his hold and started to rub Nick's back. "You were dreaming, buddy. Just a dream."
"Just a dream," Nick repeated, and sighed. "Not this, though, right? This is real?"
"What do you mean?" Cody ran his hand through Nick's hair. "What's real?"
"This. Us." Nick looked up into Cody's face and swallowed hard. "She made you sell the boat...she took you away from me. That's the dream, right? That's the dream, not -- not this?"
"That's the dream," Cody said, dry-mouthed. "God, Nick, I'd never--I couldn't leave you, buddy, I wouldn't. You gotta know that."
Nick sat up. He looked as spooked as Cody had ever seen him. "Thought I did. Then she came... I really thought this was it, man. Thought she'd hooked you. Thought for sure I was gonna lose you for good. Then the dream..." He dropped his head in his hands.
"You'll never lose me for good. Never." Cody shifted closer, wrapping his arms around Nick again. "Couldn't do it without you, Nick. Wouldn't even try."
Usually they combated nightmares with fresh air and coffee, but something told Cody tonight was different. He lay down carefully in the narrow bunk, easing Nick into the space beside him. At first Nick nestled close willingly, taking Cody's comfort.
Cody was quiet now. The time for talking was past. He rubbed Nick's back lightly, feeling Nick coming fully awake in the tiny changes in his breathing, in the distribution of his weight. He waited for the moment Nick would pull away, embarrassed by the dream and his own weakness.
But it didn't come. Instead, Nick rolled onto his side, patting Cody lightly until Cody rolled with him, bringing his back against Nick's chest. Nick slid his arms around Cody's bare chest, holding him close.
"You 'n me," he said quietly. "Never mattered to me where we were, you know? Vietnam, Fort Polk, L.A. Wouldn't've cared if we were on the moon, long as I had you. An' I always knew that sometime it was gonna end; some girl'd take you away."
"I won't let it end. I feel the same way about us, Nick."
"I dunno, Cody. Sometimes I think you do. Other times...other times I think I'm just a fucked-up vet, and what I oughtta do is go back to the army full-time."
"You what?" Cody sat up suddenly, twisting around to look down at Nick. "You want to go back to the army?" Confusion and fear battled for supremacy inside him. "You want to leave?"
"No, Cody. No, I don't want to leave." Nick propped himself up on his elbow, looking into Cody's eyes. He looked both sad and worried, Cody thought. "But sometimes I think I should."
Cody swallowed hard. "Why?"
Nick reached up and touched Cody's cheek lightly. "Because I love you, you jerk. Because every time you look at a chick, I die a little. Because you're it, Cody Allen. You're everything I want."
Cody stared into the sincerity in Nick's eyes. He knew what Nick meant -- it would have been foolish to deny it, to willingly misunderstand. They were too close to let a lie between them. But acknowledging the truth was terrifying.
Abruptly, Cody swung his legs off the bunk, turning his back on Nick and sitting on the edge. He rested his elbows on his knees and let his head fall forward, breathing hard. He felt Nick tense behind him, felt Nick holding himself in check. Felt how desperately Nick wanted to close the space between them.
Cody's gut churned. He wanted Nick to -- more than anything he wanted the safety of his partner's arms, holding the danger, the fear, at bay. Things can't change. Why'd you do this, Nick? I can't do this -- I can't bear this. He could run -- dress and run from the boat, leave this night and what it had brought behind him. March into his real estate seminar Monday morning, in a sharp suit and a sharper smile, all ready for his brand new life.
Or he could stay.
Cody sat still, the two scenarios running in tandem through his head. He told himself he was weighing them up, making a decision, a choice, but the thought rang hollow in his head. There was no choice to make.
Nick's fingertips brushed the small of Cody's back very softly -- apology, question, plea. "Forget it, pal. I didn't mean -- it's the nightmare talking, you know? That's all. Just forget it."
Cody swallowed a lump in his throat. Nick. His only choice -- his home, his heart. Slowly he turned back, drawing up one knee.
Nick was sitting up, watching him. As Cody turned, he tried a smile. "Sorry. That nightmare musta been a doozy -- I don't really remember it but man, I'm so shook up -- just forget everything I said, okay?"
Cody watched him for a moment, then slowly shook his head. "No. I'm not gonna forget any of it...not now, not ever. Everything you said, Nick. What's real... You're right. This is real, and there ain't nothing else comes close."
"Really?" Nick reached out, laid a hand on Cody's shoulder. "You mean that, Cody?"
"You know I do." Cody leaned in close until his forehead rested against Nick's. "Life's not worth living without you." Hesitantly, he let his lips just barely brush Nick's.
A shudder went through Nick, and he repeated the kiss, slightly harder, slightly longer. Cody felt it that time, a jolt like a lightning storm hitting the mast, slamming him deep down in his core.
"Nick," he whispered, his voice full of wonder. "Nick, I love you too."
Nick kissed him again, a real kiss this time, wet and full. "I know that, genius," he muttered, and wrapped his arms around Cody. "I just wasn't sure you knew it. But seeing as you do... you 'n me, Cody. What say we go to the moon?"
"With you every step of the way."