"The Air That I Breathe" (Other, 1987)

[riptide_asylum]

Title: The Air That I Breathe
Rating: PG
Summary: After an accident at reserves, Nick just wants Cody. But maybe Cody has other things on the horizon. Female things...

It had been a long ten days fighting fires. Long, lonely and frightening -- there'd been two close calls, once a strange air current above the fire, dragging him down, and once an influx of noxious smoke so thick it was all Nick could do to swing the chopper toward base and pray.

That had meant a night in hospital, and a lingering painful cough.

But he'd come through it all, and pier 56 was a welcome sight indeed. Not as welcome as Cody's face at the airport would have been, but welcome nonetheless.

Nick paid the taxi driver, hauled his duffel from the trunk and headed down the companionway, walking slow to hide the stiffness in his muscles, and to give his lungs a break.

"Nick!" Murray leaped to his feet as Nick entered the salon, beaming. "You're home! That's so boss. But... I thought you weren't getting back until Saturday?"

"I wasn't," Nick said shortly. He'd been released from his service early on medical grounds, but he had no plans to tell his partners that. "We finished the mission and they sent us home. I called last night and left a message."

"Oh." Murray looked ruefully at the table, where a tangle of cables led in to a melted-looking circuit board. "There was a power surge yesterday evening... Until I can get this sucker repaired, we've got no power. You must have called while we were at Straightaway's, and then the power went out."

Nick rubbed the heel of his hand across his eyes. That explained Cody's absence at the airport. He dropped his duffel into the corner. "Any cases?" He sat down on the couch, still rubbing his eyes. "And where's Cody?"

"No cases. We stuck by what we agreed this time." Murray grinned. "And the taxes are all done. Cody's gone out for supplies. We're getting all ready to go fishing Saturday."

"Sure." Nick dropped his hand and stifled a yawn. He'd had nothing to do but rest in the hospital, but without Cody, sleep was elusive. He'd almost caved and let the nurse call Cody the first evening when the pain was so bad. But worrying Cody unnecessarily was something Nick hated to do.

It didn't stop him feeling irrationally irritated now at Cody's absence, though.

"Hey, Boz!" Cody bounded down the wheelhouse steps, grinning, then stopped dead, consternation wiping the smile off his face. "Nick? You weren't supposed to be home until Saturday."

Nick opened his mouth then closed it again. Coming slowly down the wheelhouse steps in Cody's wake was a dark, curvaceous girl wearing denim cutoffs and a bikini top so small it left very little to the imagination.

She had a beautiful figure, and skin tanned a soft golden bronze. Her eyes were dewy, her lips full and glistening. Her name, according to Cody, was Chanel.

Nick nodded mechanically, shook her hand, picked the 'Vette keys from the rack and walked off the boat. Cody caught his arm as he started up the stairs but Nick shook him off. And Cody must have stayed shaken, stayed with Chanel Number Five, because by the time Nick made it to the car there was no-one beside him.

Not that he'd really expected there to be. Even with a name like Chanel, that chick was all class. No wonder she'd knocked Cody's socks off. Nick allowed her an iota of grudging admiration -- at least she had good taste -- then swore at not having had the sense to pick his duffel up again.

He gunned the sports car and headed for the helipad.

Nick was really too short on sleep to fly, but the Mimi's Chanel-free hold was distinctly more appealing than the Riptide. He rushed the pre-flight checks and hauled her up in the air, swinging away from King Harbor. Cody might come after him, and Nick didn't have anything to say to Cody right now.

Far better to think of Cody staring forlornly at the empty helipad than to think of Cody on the Riptide, wine in his hand, flirtation on his tongue, lust in his eyes. Impossible to stay and wait for Cody, because Cody might not come.

And that was beyond imagining.

Nick set his teeth, forced his eyes to his instruments, his hand steady on the stick. He was tired, exhausted, weakened by the poison. That was why he felt so low, why tears leaked from the corners of his eyes. Hell, if Cody wanted Chanel, Nick was all for it. They made a good-looking couple, after all, and Cody wasn't getting any younger.

Jesus, Cody, don't do this to me, man. Please.

Nick waited a beat, then glanced at the co-pilot's seat. Still empty. With a muttered curse at the universe, he turned Mimi out over the harbor toward the Channel Islands. A moment later, he turned back.

Cody would expect Nick to go to the islands. So Nick, flexing tired shoulders, headed the Mimi inland into the hills, heading for Quartz Hill. It was, he figured, the last place Cody would ever think to look.

***

Quartz Hill looked, if anything, more rundown than the last time Nick had landed there. He paid the landing fee, and used the change to buy a couple of candy bars from a vending machine. It made a poor dinner, but was better than nothing at all.

Closing the chopper up tight, he pretended to leave, then slipped back.

He had enough cash for a motel, and he could've bummed a ride. There were guys around from when Nick had flown cargo in and out of the small airport, but he avoided their eyes. He wasn't in the mood for company.

Instead, Nick rolled himself in a blanket and bedded down on the couch in Mimi's hold. He'd spent a lot of time with the old chopper, one way or another, and on a night like this, there was no place else he'd rather be.

But even the guardian spirit of the Screaming Mimi couldn't ease Nick's rest tonight. His lungs ached, his tired muscles ached. And hard as he tried to be angry with Cody, there was nothing for him but pain; heartache and loss, and over it all, the sheer inevitable certainty of the thing.

Cody... we had it so good, guy. I knew one day... but did it have to be now?

That was the thing. Cody talked about love but Nick knew, had always known, that one day Miss Right would walk down the gangway, all tanned perfection and smiling charm. And just as long as she was right, Nick had himself all prepared to shake Cody's hand and let him go, back to the world he'd come from.

But Chanel wasn't right. She couldn't be. That wasn't the bargain Nick had made with the universe back when he'd let himself fall for Cody Allen. That bargain included Nick getting a little warning, a little time to get himself ready. A little time to say goodbye.

Don't, man... don't... ah, Cody, please...

Nick couldn't let himself cry. He'd found out in the hospital that steady, even breathing was all his lungs could cope with right now. Fighting the tears hurt, but not as much as it would if he gave in.

In fact, it was better not to cry. Not now, not ever. Better to forget; to go home Saturday to his buddies, his business partners, one of whom had a hot new girl. Beer and backslaps, three good friends shooting the breeze.

If he tried, Nick thought he could maybe remember when he and Cody had been like that for real. Sure, he'd always checked Cody out when the occasion presented itself, but who wouldn't? His partner always had been hot stuff.

Nick closed his eyes, nestling into his blanket, focusing on the thought of three of them sharing beers on deck. Listening to Cody's laughter, watching Cody's smile. Cody, still his partner, still his friend.

If he could have that much, maybe he could forgive the universe for screwing up that first bargain so bad.

***

Nick must have slept, because he awoke in Cody's arms, both of them laughing. Until the warm, strong arms became his tangled blanket, the laughter a distant echo, fading fast.

Nick forgot his own rules and started crying. With that came the wheezing, the coughing, the pain, until his streaming eyes were as much from lack of oxygen, his aching heart from the fight for air.

By the time he'd recovered, lying back on the couch and sipping sparingly from his canteen, the dream was gone and he had himself under control. It was day -- light seeped through Mimi's curtains, and Nick could hear the clatters and bangs that went with morning on an airfield.

There were bathrooms out behind the hangars, basic but functional, and Nick figured after a quick cleanup, he'd try for a casual cargo flight. It would pass the day, take his mind off things, off Cody, and tomorrow was Saturday. Saturday he was due home.

Going home Saturday couldn't expunge Thursday -- Nick wasn't that naive -- but it was the only thing he had left to hang onto. If he'd come home Saturday in the first place, he wouldn't have seen Chanel. The universe would have kept its side of the bargain, and maybe, if he tried to put it right, maybe he'd get to keep Cody's friendship.

Kim in the office gave Nick a cool once-over, an undecided smile, and a pink job-sheet. She'd been sweet on him a million years ago, to which Nick figured he owed all three.

He rewarded her with a kiss on the cheek and one of his best smiles, but she only shook her head. "Payment when you land. I'll call ahead."

It wasn't a difficult assignment. A small cargo of car parts -- headlights, according to the packaging -- up to Fresno, a sheaf of documents to Oxnard, and back to Quartz Hill. The kind of job Nick would have called jam, back when he was doing it for a living.

But what he wasn't counting on was lifting Mimi over the hills, and how his lungs would take to that.

He spent two hours resting in Fresno before he dared to lift off again, and by the time he set down in Oxnard, he was ready to stay put for the night. But there was no chance of bedding down in the chopper at Oxnard Airport.

Nick sat in the terminal, drinking atrocious coffee and staring at a payphone. He could call the Riptide -- probably should call the Riptide, have Cody come get him, or Murray. But it wasn't Saturday, and calling would mean explaining the army fuckup and his own weakness. None of that appealed, however much he wanted to see his partners, however much he longed for his bunk and Cody's fussing.

But Cody might not even be available to fuss. That decided him in the end, and, still coughing a little, he took Mimi aloft once more.

Twenty miles told him he couldn't do it. He was tempted to try -- he'd flown wounded, flown birds that couldn't fly, and made it home -- but common sense got in the way. The only life or death situation was his own, and that of any luckless civilians under Mimi's great bulk if -- when -- he made his final mistake.

Nick swung Mimi back toward the coast, and the first empty parking lot he saw, dropped her like a stone.

Hunched over the stick, eyes streaming as he fought past the pain, fought to breathe, he grabbed the mike. "Screaming Mimi calling the Riptide... Riptide, do you read me?"

"Nick? Nick, thank God. Where in hell are you?"

***

Nick had recovered somewhat by the time the Jimmy screamed into the lot beside the chopper, but not enough to have breath for answering questions. But no-one asked him any. He noticed with satisfaction that Chanel Number Five was not in evidence, and despite his best intentions, when Cody hugged him he fell thankfully into those strong, welcoming arms.

"I think," Cody said worriedly, taking most of Nick's weight, "you'd better drive, Boz."

Murray must have, because instead of his usual place in the front, Nick found himself in the rear seat, laying back against Cody's chest. He mumbled a question, but Cody rubbed a hand through his hair and kissed his temple. "Don't worry about any of that now, Nick. We're going home."

Nick sighed with relief and closed his eyes. Chanel or no Chanel, he was ready to go home.

***

"You're breathing better now. Not wheezing so much."

Nick opened his eyes. He was in his own bunk -- he remembered Cody supporting him onto the boat, down the stairs. Remembered, unless it was another dream, Cody in the bunk with him, holding him close, whispering and whispering.

He couldn't remember what Cody had said, and something about that hurt. Then he remembered Chanel. Maybe he'd gotten his goodbye after all.

"Nick?"

Nick blinked and turned his head. Cody was sitting on his own bunk, hunched forward, watching him with concern. "How're you feeling, buddy?"

"Peachy," Nick said automatically, and followed it up with a dry, experimental cough. His lungs stayed where they belonged, and he embarked on a deep breath. It went well, and he nodded. Peachy about covered it, if you left out his heart, and as for the universe, well, Nick would see it got what was coming to it.

Cody reached out and took his hand. Nick closed his eyes, but universe or no universe, he didn't pull away. Instead, he let himself sink into the touch, let himself hold on. If this was all he had left, he was going to make the most of it.

"You scared me last night, Nick. I kept waiting for you to come home and you didn't... Murray found out about the fire, that you'd been in the hospital. And I didn't know where you were..." Cody's voice broke.

Nick opened his eyes again. If there was one thing he hated, it was for Cody to hurt. He'd left Murray out of his calculations when he'd planned on keeping secrets. "Hey, I didn't mean you to know about that," he said huskily, raising up on an elbow. "I just figured on giving you a clear run at Chanel Number Five, you know?"

"You -- oh, Nick." Cody slipped to his knees between the bunks and slid an arm around Nick, supporting him. "She just did the chick thing on the pier -- you know, what a beautiful boat I had --"

"Can I polish your bollard?" Nick managed a real grin as he and Cody finished the joke in unison. "Still, I bet she'd had some practice polishing, huh?"

"No idea," Cody said with some asperity. "Nick, do you really think I spend your summer camp banging every hot girl I see?"

Nick looked into the confused hurt in Cody's eyes and colored. "No. Not like that, anyhow. But that chick was a package... I could see how it coulda happened, how she could've hooked you... And you didn't look exactly pleased to see me, big guy."

"You were white as a sheet, and I think you've lost around ten pounds." Cody kissed Nick's forehead softly. "No-one's gonna hook me, Nick Ryder. Package or not, fancy name, hot ass, whatever. I thought you trusted me more than that."

"I do trust you."

"Then why didn't you call me when they put you in the hospital, Nick? Why didn't you call to say you were coming home? And why'd you walk out?"

Nick sighed and sat up. He picked the easy one first. "I did call to say I was coming home. Murray said there was a power surge and it must have wiped my message."

"How about the first one?"

"It was on base, Cody. And there wasn't any need to worry you."

Cody sighed and shifted back to his own bunk, leaning forward and resting his forearms on his knees. "Instead you scare me half to death by disappearing after you get home. What, Nick? You think I can't talk to army nurses without giving the game away?"

"That wasn't it."

"What, then?"

"I cried in the night for you, okay? The nurses got way too interested, so I told 'em Cody was my girl. You get it now?"

"Oh." Cody sat back. "I guess with a story like that you had a point. And after that, one pretty girl makes me a cheat?"

Nick winced. "Not a cheat. Not that. Cody, something about that girl, I thought you'd found her, you know? The one you've been waiting for."

"The one--" Cody stopped, stood up, paced the short length of the room then stopped at the foot of Nick's bunk. "Let me get this straight. You walked out of here, disappeared, scared me shitless and had a good try at killing yourself because I let some half-dressed chick come aboard for a drink?"

"I thought -- "

"I heard you." Cody sighed, staring at Nick. He looked hurt.

Nick stared back. The way Cody put it, he came out sounding like a world-class asshole. He threw back the covers and jumped up.

"Oh, no you don't." Cody caught him as he wavered on his feet. "You belong in bed."

Nick leaned thankfully into Cody's supporting arms and raised a hand to Cody's cheek. "I hurt you. I hurt you because I'm an idiot."

Cody smiled at that. "Get in bed, babe. C'mon."

Nick sat on the edge of the bed, hesitating, but as Cody dropped his own jeans, slipped under the covers and moved over, making room. Cody climbed in beside him, pulling Nick straight back into his arms. Nick went willingly, holding on.

"What you said before..." Cody paused. "You thought I'd found the one. You wanna tell me what the hell you meant?"

Nick sighed, staring into the eyes he loved most in the world. "One day," he murmured. "One day, she's gonna come along. The next Sheila, hell, even the next Janet, only not crazy. Sweet, and pretty, an' she's gonna love you like you deserve, and --" Nick swallowed a wobble that threatened to swamp him "-- an' then you'll really have it all, babe."

"You're right." Cody reached up and gently blotted the tears from the corner of Nick's eye with his thumb. "You really are an idiot. Nick -- Nick! I don't want some girl, no matter how pretty. Janet, Sheila, all that -- you know how bad I fucked up, those times."

"Everyone makes mistakes."

"Yeah, well, maybe, but not everyone has you to pull their ass out of the fire, you know? Nick, that's not what I want. This is where I belong, and you're the one I want. You're the one I've been waiting for all my life. And I think -- I hope -- you love me like I deserve, whatever the hell that means."

Nick lay still, letting himself feel Cody's arms. Letting himself soak in Cody's words. Was it real? Or was it some trick of the universe, trying to lull him into a false sense of security?

"Hey." Cody gave him a gentle shake. "Stop looking at me like that. I know I've screwed up in the past, and I'm sorry. But I've learned my lesson, Nick, and I know what I want. And that's you."

Nick leaned forward and captured Cody's mouth, kissing him hard, kissing him deep. Kissing Cody until his lungs protested, until he had to break away to cough, to fight for air.

Cody sat up and pulled Nick up beside him, lifting him to rest against his shoulder. Nick lay against Cody and concentrated on breathing, helped by Cody's hand rubbing his back, Cody's voice in his ear.

"You're an idiot. A total idiot. But idiot or not, I love you and I'm never gonna let you go."

Nick held on tight, believing at last. He risked a light kiss on Cody's lips between breaths. "I love you too, Cody. I love you too."