riptide_asylum (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
riptide_asylum) wrote2015-03-03 10:28 am
riptide_asylum) wrote2015-03-03 10:28 am
Entry tags:
"Flashpoint - Part One" (Other, 1987)
Title: Flashpoint
Rating: NC17
Summary: Cody thinks Joanna might be the one for him. Nick tries to help. Murray's smarter than both of them.
Chapter One
"Maybe she's the one, Nick." Cody, sprawled on his sun-lounger, well aware he was already several sheets to the wind, gestured with his half-empty beer bottle. It was long past sunset, and he and Nick were still topside, setting the world to rights, enjoying a rare evening of not being broke, and not being shot at. It was a heady feeling, and that, combined with the growing beer buzz, induced Cody to put his thoughts about Joanna Parisi into words.
"Joanna?" Nick had been leaning on the table, but at Cody's words he sat back, blinking at his partner. "Buddy, she earns more'n we do. I thought we agreed, no more women's libbers?"
"Nah, that was your rule." Cody smirked and sucked on his beer. "I don't mind a liberated lady."
Nick snorted. "Until it's your turn to cook and wash up," he retorted. "When's the last time you did galley duty, huh?"
"Same week you cleaned the latrine, guy." Cody's smirk stayed in place. "We play to our strengths. Figure I can do the same with her, you know?"
"Make sure and tell her you're the guy when it comes to toilet bowls, huh?" Nick snickered.
"Seriously, Nick." Cody scrambled to a more upright position, then grabbed the table for support. The Riptide must be rocking violently, he thought, struggling to regain his equilibrium.
"Easy, big guy." Nick reached across, grabbing his arm, steadying the rocking. "How much have you drunk, anyhow?"
"Only the same as you, I think." Cody frowned, concentrating on his train of thought. "Seriously," he repeated. "I've known her a year now. I think… maybe I can make a go of this one." He looked up at Nick, seeking approval. Reassurance. "Do you think she likes me?"
All vestige of amusement had faded from Nick's face. He looked sad, somehow, and Cody swallowed hard. "She doesn't like me, right?" Cody muttered, looking away. "I've got it wrong again."
"No." Nick shifted his grip from Cody's arm, taking his hand instead. He took a deep breath, and anyone but Cody would have missed the quiver in his voice when he spoke again. "She likes you just fine, man. Anyone can see that. Myself, I dunno what she sees in you, but there's no accounting for taste."
Cody grinned at the tease, looking back up shyly. "So what, then? Why don't you think she'll go for me?"
"She'll go for you, pal. That's not up for question." Nick squeezed Cody's hand, looking into his eyes. "Are you sure, Cody? That she's the one, I mean?"
Cody looked back, hesitant. There was something in Nick's gaze, something he didn't understand. Something that made him wish his head was clearer, the night was younger. "I think she might be my last chance," he said baldly, and dropped his eyes.
"Aw, babe -- " Nick grabbed his shoulders, pulled him up into a hug. "That's the beer talking, you know? It ain't like you to get maudlin on me."
Cody returned the hug and managed a laugh. It was true, he wasn't a sloppy drunk, or a sorrowful one, but that wasn't the point. What he'd told Nick was the bare, unvarnished truth.
*
Joanna was going for him. Nick had been right about that. Somewhere in the last few weeks, they'd made the transition from friends hanging out after work, shooting the breeze over a couple of drinks, to a tentative couple. Cody'd started wearing loafers and sports coats when he picked her up, and Joanna had taken to leaving off her pastel suits and going for softer lines, more feminine dresses.
"Don't think she's as liberated as we thought," Cody confided to Nick after lights out, snuggling beneath his blanket.
A few inches away, he heard Nick's soft sigh. "She's smitten with you, anyhow. Good going, man."
"I guess." Cody wriggled a little more, getting comfortable. "I dunno, somehow I gotta take it to the next level, see what happens. I don't wanna take it to her place… I wouldn't feel right bringing her here."
"Huh." Cody could almost feel Nick's thoughts mirror his own. In the early days, the big front cabin, now Murray's, had been their hook-up space. But even had it been available, that wasn't what Cody wanted for Joanna. And squashing into a single bunk wouldn't fit either.
"We're not really set up for adulthood, huh," Nick muttered, reaching across the space between them and squeezing Cody's shoulder. "Listen, guy. You want I should move out?"
"No!" Cody choked on the word, grabbing Nick's wrist. "That isn't what I was getting at."
"Maybe not, but we gotta look at it." In the dark, Nick propped himself on his elbow. "If you and Joanna get serious, you're gonna need a double bed down here, you know? And, uh, no room-mate."
"Eventually, I guess." Cody heard the tightness in his own voice mirroring the tension in his chest. "Maybe. I don't know."
Nick sat up and switched on the light above his bunk. "Cody," he said gently. "If this is what you want, you gotta think about it. Plan for it. Make it happen."
"I don't know if it's what I want." Cody sat up, staring at Nick. "I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, big guy." Nick gave him a crooked grin. "But I don't wanna stand in your way. You got a chance at this, pal, you know you do."
"But -- "
"No buts." Nick quirked his eyebrows and pointed his finger at Cody's chest. "You love her, right? So go get her, tiger."
Cody gulped. "I just -- I don't want things to change. I don't know if it'll work out with her, buddy."
"Aw, babe." Nick reached over, gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "I know you're scared. But you know what? You gotta try, okay?"
"I guess."
Nick switched off the light and Cody lay back down, mind churning. He was scared, there was no arguing with that. He couldn't picture Joanna living aboard, and he certainly couldn't picture himself living in her sprawling white house. "Nick, I don't know how to do this," he whispered, very low.
"This is what you're gonna do." Nick sounded calm, matter of fact. "You're gonna take her away for the weekend. San Diego, maybe, or go north -- doesn't really matter as long as you get a nice hotel, some nice beach to walk on. An art gallery maybe, something like that, you know? Five star restaurant, brunch, hand-holding, the whole nine yards. You get the picture?"
"Yeah," Cody said with more confidence. The picture Nick was talking about was something he could do. "But then what?"
"Well, you know, when things are right, they have a way of sorting themselves out. Like you and me and this boat, the agency… they all just happened, right?"
"I guess so," Cody agreed doubtfully. "But -- "
"You're thinking about this whole thing too much, babe." Nick's voice quivered, he coughed then caught his breath. "Get through the weekend and see how you feel, huh? I mean, have you even shared a bed with her yet?"
Cody groaned softly. "I've kissed her. That's all."
"And you already think she's the one? Man, you got it bad." Nick coughed again. "Call her tomorrow, ask her about the weekend. You gotta get this ball rolling, or you'll be eighty-one and we'll still be tellin' secrets in the dark."
Cody's heart cramped at the idea of Nick's absence, even as his groin perked up at the idea of the weekend away. It had been months since he'd been with anyone, and when he thought about it, Nick had to have been suffering a similar drought.
"With me out of the way, maybe you can get Bambi over here," he suggested. "It's been a long time for both of us."
"Yeah," Nick said shortly, then sighed. "Haven't been missing it, but you're right. It's been a while."
*
Nick was on the fantail when Cody swung the Jimmy back into its spot, and the sight of his partner was the perfect comfort, the perfect end to a perfect weekend. Whistling, he jumped out, hauling his suitcase with him, and hurried down the companionway toward home.
"Hey, buddy." Nick stood to greet him, took the suitcase, grinned into Cody's dancing eyes. "Nice weekend, huh?"
"You're not kidding." Cody swung aboard and followed Nick below. The stateroom was neat, ordered as it always was in Cody's absence -- Nick had never lost his military habits, while Cody was more careless.
Nick swung the suitcase to Cody's bunk, flipped it open, and started unpacking as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Cody leaned against the doorjamb, watching idly -- it was natural indeed. More often than not, Nick packed and unpacked for both of them.
"So what now?" Nick asked softly, tossing a knot of laundry at the hamper in the bottom of their closet. "You bought her a ring yet?"
Cody flushed. "That's sounding kinda serious. We had a nice weekend, that's all."
Nick grinned, stowed a pile of polos in the drawer, then slid the empty case under Cody's bunk. He turned and sat on the bed, looking up at his partner expectantly.
"What about you?" Cody rushed into speech. "Did Bambi come over?"
"Naw." Nick shrugged and leaned back against the wall. "Wasn't much for company. Me and Boz shot the breeze some. Oh, and I did some research for you."
"Research for me? What do you mean?"
Nick patted the bed beside him, pulling a folded page from his pocket with the other hand. "Look." Cody accepted the invitation, sliding into the space beside Nick, leaning close as Nick's arm went around him.
"See, they can put a double in here easy enough. It ain't even that expensive." Nick sucked in a deep breath. "Thought maybe -- that could be my wedding present to you, huh? I mean, I ain't gonna fob you off with a gravy boat, you know? That way, at least I know I'm gettin' you something you'll use."
Cody's heart thundered in his chest, and he felt the walls closing in. He looked away from the paper, trapped, frightened, unable to breathe. He'd run if he could, but he had nowhere to go, and no strength to go with.
"Cody! Cody, babe, it's okay."
Through the roaring in his ears, the dark clouds in his vision, Cody became aware that Nick had laid him down on the bunk, loosened his belt, pulled off his shoes and socks. He shuddered, gulped at air, and managed to focus on his partner's frightened eyes. "I -- I'm okay," he whispered.
Nick nodded, slow. He was holding Cody's hand, and as Cody started to breathe again, slid onto the bunk beside him. "I got you now," he murmured, easing his arms around Cody.
Cody leaned into him, letting go. The first months back from 'Nam, the panic attacks had been regular things, something he and Nick had learned to manage together. He hadn't had one in more than a year. "Sorry," he muttered.
"No, I'm sorry," Nick muttered back, sitting up slowly. "I laid too much on you, huh? I'm seventeen kinds of jerk, turns out."
"Only seven," Cody whispered, rolling over. He pressed his back against Nick's leg, sighing contentedly as Nick stroked the back of his neck. "Let me just stay here a minute, okay?"
"As long as you need," Nick reassured him gently. "I'm not gonna rush you again."
*
The panic attack, Cody reasoned, was a one-off thing, brought on by the exertions of the weekend and lack of sleep. Nick agreed, although he stayed off the subject of wedding presents, and made a point of double-dating with Cody and Joanna all week.
His choice, a pert, gamin little librarian with glasses and short dark bangs, was so different from his usual willowy blond type that Cody did a double-take. But Nick assured him Susie was a tiger in the sack and a sweetheart in the kitchen, and Cody couldn't figure out why that news didn't make him happy for his friend.
It made him, if he was honest with himself, uneasy. Nick wasn't the type to kiss and tell, not even with Cody -- even though he made a point of wheedling the details of Cody's conquests out of his friend, he rarely shared his own exploits.
"You going to keep seeing Susie?" Cody asked into the darkness of Sunday night. They'd taken the girls out for dinner then returned early -- both Susie and Joanna had to be at work at eight the next morning.
"Haven't decided. I'm not sure her and Joanna are hitting it off."
Cody nodded in the dark. He'd noticed it himself -- Susie's contemptuous glances, Joanna's half-self-conscious avoidance. "Susie's a lot younger, I guess."
"When it comes to women's lib, Susie wrote the book, and I think she thinks Joanna's doing it wrong."
Cody snorted, then shook himself. "Wait a minute. No women's libbers, remember?"
"I know. She fooled me, bein' a librarian and all."
"Wait, librarians can't be into women's lib?"
"Turns out they can," Nick said, half rueful, half amused. "But I'll tell you a secret. When a girl likes you, it don't matter so much if she's liberated or not. It's when she's pissed, that's when you gotta watch yourself."
Cody burst out laughing. "Have you pissed her off yet?"
"Nope." Cody could hear the grin in Nick's voice. "She thinks I'm cute. Long as that lasts, I figure I'm safe."
"Don't come crying to me when it fails you, pal."
"What, my cuteness? Never."
"Tell it to the judge." Cody yawned and stretched, feeling better for the conversation. He was tired and comfortable, ready to sleep deep and easy -- the way he only slept on his boat. The nights with Joanna were not yet natural -- his sleep was still disturbed and light, with her. "Night, Nick."
"Night, pal. Sleep tight."
Cody woke in the darkness of war, armed and dangerous, surrounded by enemies. It was all he knew -- to fight, to hurt, to win. There was no other way. Until strong arms pinned him, held him as he fought in vain, held him until the battle-noise was silent. In the silence, Nick's voice, hollow and frightened, husky with tears.
Cody swallowed hard, aware of his own ragged breathing, his partner's heartbeat in his ears. "Nick?" he managed, choking on tears of his own, struggling with the sweat-soaked sheet.
"Right here." Nick released him, sitting up, daring to switch on the light. Cody winced at the brightness and scrambled up, reaching out. In a moment, Nick had him again, folded against his chest, whispering nonsense words of comfort.
"Did I -- hurt you?" Cody shuddered in Nick's arms. He'd fought, he knew it, and the idea of hurting his partner was worse than the dream.
"I'm too quick for you." Nick spoke into his hair. "Always have been. But Joanna might wanna work on her right hook, you know?"
"Oh, God." Cody groaned against Nick's chest.
"Kidding." Nick held him closer. "It'll be okay, babe, you'll see. C'mon, huh? You ready for a shower?"
Chapter Two
The hardest part, Cody reasoned, was always going to be the living arrangements. He had his boat and his partner, neither of which he was prepared to give up. Joanna had her nicely chosen house, and her suburban expectations, and Cody didn't figure she planned on giving them up either. It was a stalemate not yet broached, and it hung over his head as he watched the impatience in her eyes.
He didn't want her to be the one to bring it up, but until he had a solution, he had no idea what to say.
"How about another weekend in San Diego? Would you like that, just you and me?"
"Just you and me sounds good," she agreed, taking his hand. "I never feel like I get enough of you, if you know what I mean."
Cody swallowed that, pushed it down. Part of him belonged to his partner and always would, but Joanna couldn't mean that. "Between your job and the agency, we have to do what we can."
Joanna's eyes flashed, but she only nodded.
"San Diego again?" Nick raised his eyebrows when Cody told him. "You come into money?"
"It's tough, but…" Cody stopped.
Nick nodded sympathetically. "Going away's easier? I get it buddy, I do. Listen, okay? I got something planned out -- something to make it work for you, all right?"
"What sort of something?" Cody frowned. There was something in Nick's eyes he didn't understand. "What do you mean, Nick?"
"I mean you been dating her six months and it's time." Nick took him by the shoulders, serious now. "C'mon, babe. You want this, right? She's the one?"
Cody nodded slowly. "Y--yes. I mean, I think so."
"You can do better than that, big guy. Look at me and tell me, huh? Is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Cody swallowed hard. "That's a big question, Nick."
"I know, but you gotta trust me on this one. It's time, Cody. Is she the one?"
Cody looked into his partner's eyes, searching, as though the answer was written there. And maybe it was, because Nick smiled at him gently and pulled him into a hug. "She's gonna make you happy, baby. I know she is, okay? You don't gotta worry about anything anymore. Just trust me, huh?"
"Of course I trust you." Cody fought an irrational urge to cry, holding on to Nick tightly -- far tighter than the moment warranted, in his opinion. But nothing would make him let go.
"You know I love you, huh?"
Cody nodded against Nick's shoulder, aware of the edge of vulnerability in his partner's voice. "Love you too, pal. Always." Two tears lost the fight and crawled down his face, out of place and unneeded.
Nick pulled back, looked at him and caught the tears, one after the other with a gentle thumb. "What's that for, huh? You're gonna have a great weekend, you know?"
"I know." Cody shrugged and turned away. "You seeing Susie?"
"No," Nick said quietly, and laid his hands flat on Cody's back. "You have my fun for me, okay, big guy?"
*
The weekend was not an unqualified success. Something about the goodbye had left Cody unsettled and needing, wanting his partner. Something about Joanna's clinging touches, usually so welcome, felt intrusive and wrong.
He didn't sleep well, and when he slept, he dreamed. Not the nightmares -- he wasn't deep enough under for that -- but unsettling snatches that brought him gasping awake, Nick's name on his lips.
The third time, he crawled from the bed, used the bathroom, made coffee. Started when Joanna came up behind him, soft hands too gentle on his skin. "Something's wrong," she said quietly. "Let's go home tomorrow instead of Sunday."
Cody shook his head, fear and defeat filling his chest. "I don't -- I'm fine. I'm just off-balance tonight. Tired, maybe."
"You're calling for Nick." Joanna turned him around, looked at him seriously. "Why?"
Cody shot her a hunted glance. "I was dreaming, that's all."
"About him?"
Cody closed his eyes. His dreams rarely stayed with him long, leaving him with nothing more than a confusion of feelings. That, and a need for Nick. "I don't really know," he said, opening his eyes again. "Jo, can we drop it? I'll be fine after a cup of coffee, promise."
The second night, he barely let himself sleep at all. He'd snuck away in the afternoon and called the Riptide, but had only gotten the answerphone. Without the reassurance of Nick's voice, the comfort of his closeness, he'd been tempted to take Joanna at her word and cut the weekend short.
But he'd held himself together, found the composure to love her, the strength to sit through dinner. And if Sunday morning was a long, agonizing wait until Joanna was packed, and breakfasted, and showered, and finally -- finally -- ready to hit the road, well, he wasn't the first man in the world to wait for a woman.
He was quiet on the drive back, his mind already on his boat with Nick. Joanna tried to lure him with lunch, lingering sweetly as he dropped her off, but he kissed her briefly and marched back to the car. He cared for her, but his skin didn't want to fit, and there was only one cure for that.
Nick.
Cody tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he sat at a red light, thinking about the future. If he was married to Joanna, what would happen when he needed Nick? Could he really learn to sleep beside Joanna, as safe and comfortable as he was with Nick?
Even if he could, could Nick learn to sleep without him?
"Man, we're a couple of fuck-ups," Cody said ruefully, pulling the Jimmy into its space. He frowned briefly at the Vette's empty slot and strode toward the boat, wondering where Nick was.
There were no clues in the salon, but the stateroom was another story. Nick's bed was neatly made, even by his standards, the army corners sharp enough to cut. The top of the nightstand was polished clean, and the storm-netting above Nick's pillow was empty.
Cody stared for a moment, heart plummeting, then saw the pale envelope lying on his own pillow. He grabbed it with shaking hands, desperately telling himself it was an ordinary note -- Nick had been called up to Reserves, taken an overnight helicopter tour, was off working a case with Murray.
He squeezed the envelope once then tore it open, barely able to breathe, and all his worst nightmares came true.
*
It was dark when Murray found him, sitting on Nick's bunk, the letter in his hands. Cody came back to himself with a start as Murray shook his shoulder, eyes stinging with tears, heart adrift.
"Cody, what's wrong? Is it Joanna? Did something happen in San Diego?"
Cody choked and shook his head. "Nick," he managed, keeping his voice steady with a superhuman effort. "Nick's gone. He's on an extended summer camp."
"Well, sure." Murray sat down hesitantly beside Cody and took the letter from his nerveless fingers. "He and I talked about that a couple of months back. Summer's always petty little cases -- nothing you and I can't manage alone."
Forcing his back straight, his mouth hard, his eyes open, Cody gave himself a shake, and said "Oh." There really wasn't anything else to say.
"He -- he didn't tell you?" Murray laid an awkward hand on Cody's arm. "I feel terrible. I would have told you if I'd realized -- but why would he keep it a secret from you? You're his best friend."
Cody shuddered and gestured at the note in Murray's hand. "He's playing matchmaker," he said hoarsely. "Thinks I won't get serious with Joanna with him around."
Murray nodded slowly. "Makes sense."
"What?"
Murray looked up at the sharp note in Cody's voice. "You and Nick are so tight," he said uncomfortably. "It's not easy for a girl trying to get in between."
"In between?" Cody frowned. "I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. I just got back from a weekend with Joanna. It's not like I took Nick along."
"Of course you didn't." Murray said quickly. "Listen, you feel like a pizza? And maybe we could rent a movie. Unless you want to call Joanna, of course."
Cody didn't want to call Joanna. He didn't want pizza or a movie either, not unless Nick was there, but Murray wasn't taking no for an answer. And Nick wasn't there. Cody went through the motions because there was no alternative, and later, lay sleepless in his silent, empty cabin.
He was up early the next morning, because the stateroom's four walls were more than he could stomach. He'd dozed in the predawn and woken heartsick and adrift, Nick's absence permeating everything. Cody had no idea how he'd get through, and when the phone shrilled, he grabbed it like a drowning man.
"Nick?"
"Aw, buddy. What if I'd been a client, huh?" Nick was trying to sound teasing and failing signally.
Cody grinned regardless, squeezing the handset, clinging to the sliver of connection. "At six a.m.? Not likely." He sobered, breathed, stumbled over his next words. "I wish you wouldn't have gone."
"I know. Believe me, guy, I know." Silence stretched between them for a moment. "You gotta try, Cody. Put her first, you know?"
"I coulda done that with you here." Cody fought tears, fought the longing to have a childish tantrum, to scream at Nick to come home. "I -- I need you."
"I need you too. Don't you doubt that, hey?" Nick sighed. "I know this is hard. Harder than I thought it would be, you want the truth." He hesitated. "I wasn't gonna call, y'know, but I -- I had to."
"Glad you did." Cody let his tears spill over. The summer without Nick stretched out empty, lonely before him. "Why'd you go, pal? It wasn't a great weekend. I was lookin' forward to seeing you…"
"And that's why I went." Cody's loneliness echoed in Nick's voice. "So's you wouldn't spend the next weekend with your girl thinkin' about coming home to me."
Cody swallowed his tears and leaned his forehead against the window. "What if that's how I want it?"
Nick's breath caught, and he gave a shaky laugh. "You're just being a fool now, huh? She's the one, you know it, and you gotta give this your best shot."
"It feels like the price is too high," Cody said quietly. "If having her means losing you…"
"You're not losing me," Nick said fiercely. "You couldn't, right? It just will be… different. And different's good, all right?"
Cody closed his eyes against a fresh batch of tears. Different felt anything but good. Different felt like hell on earth. "Yeah," was all he said. Then, "How long?"
"Twelve weeks. And after that we'll see."
"We'll see?"
"I thought of going back," Nick admitted. "The regular army, though, not the MPs. We'll see how the summer goes."
"Oh, Nick." Cody sank bonelessly onto the couch. "Is that what you want?"
"I've thought about it some," Nick said quietly. "I don't know if I want it. Figured I'd give it twelve weeks, you know?"
"Makes sense." Cody fought the tremor in his voice. He had no idea how to live without Nick for twelve weeks, let alone the rest of his life. He felt like his world was spiralling out of control. He wanted to scream and beg and somehow make Nick come back. He wanted to drive to Fort Ord and find his partner, find him and never let him go.
Silence stretched between them for a long moment. "Seriously, Cody, you gonna be okay?" Nick sounded scared himself, scared and vulnerable, and just as alone as Cody.
Cody closed his eyes. He was a grown man with an agency to run and a serious girlfriend. Men like him didn't fall apart because a friend went out of town. But he wasn't okay.
"I'll be fine, big guy," he said gamely, surprised at how steady he could keep his voice. "I wish you would have told me, though. It was kind of a rough surprise."
"I know. But I figured you'd talk me out of it, you know?" Nick sighed. "Listen, take it easy, okay? I gotta run, it's roll call any minute."
"Sure, buddy. Don't wanna get on the wrong side of the brass your first day."
"You got that right, pal. Take care of Murray, okay?"
The line went dead, and Cody dropped the phone to its cradle. He wanted to cry, but the emptiness inside him was too big for tears. The familiar salon mocked him -- his home, his sanctuary, but without Nick it was none of those things.
"How in the name of God am I gonna get through this?" he asked the silent boat.
Chapter Three
By the end of the second week, Cody had found a rhythm to the endless, exhausting days. Dinner with Joanna on a Wednesday meant two hours of careful flirting and an early night. Early for her, anyhow -- for Cody, it meant one more wakeful night, dozing on the fantail, unable to stomach the close confines of the stateroom. Absurd how the room, so welcoming when Nick was there, became a claustrophobic box without him.
Thursday was Happy Hour at Straightaways with Murray, and if Cody was quick enough, he could drink enough to buy himself an hour or two of honest-to-goodness sleep when they got home. Unless Murray figured out what he was up to, bought him dinner and made him eat, that was.
Friday, he and Joanna double-dated with Murray and his girl Carla, and then took it to Joanna's place. Cody was starting to dread Fridays. He didn't like Joanna's house, and he liked her waterbed less. The first Saturday, they'd tried it on the Riptide, but the experience had been so unsettling it had led to their first real fight.
Dinner in the salon had been nice -- Cody's fried chicken by candlelight with chocolate cake for dessert. But the bedroom walls did their closing-in act, and Cody couldn't get past it. He'd choked up and Joanna had walked out, and it had taken him most of the week to get back in her good graces.
This Saturday, Joanna was tied up working a homicide, and Cody felt guilty as hell. Instead of missing the woman he professed to love, he was relieved at a waterbedless night, a night he'd decided to spend in the salon with the TV on as background noise in the hope of keeping back the dreams.
He was uncomfortably aware that if he didn't get a full night's sleep soon, he was going to crash. Worse, he knew Murray knew it too.
Cody waited til the little guy was asleep and hauled pillow and blanket to the couch. He settled himself, choosing a sappy tearjerker because Nick would love it, carefully not looking directly at the empty bench seat across the room. In the dark, from the corner of his eye, he could imagine his partner there in the shadow. He could imagine he wasn't alone anymore.
"Don't know how you can like this shit," he muttered as Helen Howell leaned out of a railway carriage. "This's no more a classic than the Mimi."
It worked until he screamed himself awake, pistol-shots from the movie on screen taking him somewhere darker, somewhere filled with blood and death and loss. Somewhere he'd lost Nick forever. And when he opened his eyes at last to Murray's concerned face and the bright salon lights showing him, with more-than-technicolor clarity, that Nick was gone indeed, he lost it completely, rolling himself over so he knelt on the floor, his head on the couch, and crying as though he'd never stop.
"Cody. Cody, can you hear me?"
Cody felt like his head was stuffed with cotton wool. He was weighed down with the sick remnants of the dream, the confused pain of loss, the ache inside only Nick could soothe. Somehow, he cracked his eyes open. "Boz?"
"Hey." Murray sounded considerably more cheerful at being answered. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Better than what?" Cody muttered. The more he considered it, the worse he felt.
Murray gave a little laugh. "I'll take that as a yes. Why don't you try and sit up? I brought you coffee and juice, and just some toast. I didn't know if you'd feel like eating much."
"I don't." Cody groaned and sat up slowly. "Wow. I feel like I've been on the tequila."
"You -- oh!" The concerned look on Murray's face melted into understanding. "Was that what happened last night? I didn't realize you'd been drinking."
"I hadn't. Kinda wish I had, though." Cody leaned against the wall for support, blearily recognizing that he was in his own bunk. "How'd you get me down here, Murray?"
"You walked." Murray smiled and bestowed an awkward pat on his arm. "You were punchdrunk as hell, though. Worse than Nick when he's been firefighting and hasn't slept in a week." Murray paused, and patted Cody's arm again. "That's what it was, I think. Lack of sleep, I mean."
Cody's grunt was non-committal. The last thing he remembered was breaking down. "I had a nightmare," he muttered, looking away. "Sorry you had to deal with that."
"I helped a friend," Murray said steadily, and put the glass of juice in Cody's hand. "I didn't have to deal with anything."
Cody looked at him and smiled despite himself. Boz looked determined and worried, but not upset. And he didn't have a black eye.
"I went quietly, huh?"
"What do you mean, went quietly?" Murray watched with approval as Cody drank half his juice at one go.
"I didn't fight you? I, uh, don't remember very much."
"Fight me?" Murray frowned. "No. You broke down -- it must've been one hell of a nightmare -- I sat with you until you calmed down, then you came downstairs and went to bed. I stayed with you another hour, but you went out like a light."
Cody exchanged the juice glass for his coffee cup and took a sip. It wasn't as strong as Nick's, but it was strong enough.
"Why were you sleeping in the salon, anyhow?" Murray asked gently. "What was that about?"
"I thought with the TV on, I might not dream." Cody drank more coffee.
"Ah." Murray took the coffee cup, set it on the nightstand, and handed Cody a plate of toast. "Eat. You've been having nightmares since Nick went away, is that it?"
Cody sighed and obediently started his toast. "I always have nightmares, Boz. Whether Nick's here or not."
"Okay. So what is it, then? I've never seen you this strung out. You usually sleep okay when Nick's at reserves, right?"
"Yeah." Cody pushed the plate away. Because he's coming back. Because I can count the days. "I'm scared I'll dream when I'm with Joanna. I, uh -- " he hesitated, and took refuge in his coffee.
"You what? She'd want to help, you know that. I thought of calling her last night, in fact."
Cody shuddered. The last thing he wanted was for her to see his weakness. "No, Boz. It's that I don't always know where I am when I wake up. Sometimes I fight. One time I broke Nick's nose."
"Oh." Murray took the coffee cup away again, and replaced it with the plate. "I mean it. Eat." He glared until Cody picked up another slice of toast, then continued. "So you're worried about sleeping when you're with her. I guess that makes sense. But what about the rest of the time? Why aren't you sleeping when you're at home?"
"I'm just not in a good space right now. It's hard to relax, and down here I feel like the walls are closing in."
"All right. So what do you plan on doing about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Cody, you look terrible. You're wired like I've never seen you. If a case walked in the door I'd be afraid to take it, because I don't think you're in any shape to work. And, to put it bluntly, you're not doing yourself any good with Joanna. She was pretty angry with you on the weekend, am I right?"
"Okay." Cody made another attempt to replace his plate with the coffee, and as Murray glared settled for the orange juice instead. "You got me, Boz. I know I'm kind of a mess, but I got no idea what to do about it."
"Then let me tell you what you're gonna do about it." Murray squeezed his shoulder. "You're going to the doctor, telling him about the nightmares, and getting some sleeping pills that'll knock you out and stop you dreaming."
Cody balked. "I don't like pills."
"Maybe not," Murray said gently, hand still on Cody's shoulder. "But if you'd seen yourself last night, you wouldn't be arguing with me right now. In fact, if it had been me in that state, you'd have put me in the hospital. So you're gonna do what I tell you, because right now you need some help."
"I still don't like it." Cody looked down.
"Listen to me." Murray sat back. "Here's the alternative. Next time I call Fort Ord and have Nick sent home on emergency medical leave. Or I can do that right now, if that's what you want. Because I may not be able to make you go to the doctor, but I sure as hell won't sit here and watch you kill yourself."
"I'll go to the doctor." Cody held up his hands in surrender. "Don't call Nick, okay? I'm fine."
*
As much as Cody hated the thick, heavy feel of the sleeping pills, it was a relief to have found an off-button for his brain. Even more of a relief to be able to relax beside Joanna, and sleep unafraid of his own actions. He used them on the nights he spent with her, and on the nights at home when he felt himself coming unglued.
He and Murray worked some small cases -- a cheating husband, a ripped-off tourist, a lost puppy -- and Joanna started talking about selling her house. "Where do you want to live, Cody? Somewhere near the sea? You know, there's a possibility I might be transferred, how would you feel about that?"
Cody evaded the question, and admitted to himself he felt like shit. Being with Joanna had lost whatever excitement it had ever had. The idea of living with Joanna repelled him. He didn't even know how he felt about her anymore.
All he knew was that at six a.m. every Monday morning, he was sitting by the phone in the salon, waiting for Nick's call. The call he answered with a deceptively sleepy voice, trying to make Nick think he'd just woken up. The call he lived for.
Joanna had this Monday off work, and Cody knew he'd upset her by refusing to stay. Even worse, he knew she had a damn good idea Nick's call was the reason. He'd fobbed her off with a story about being tired, about a stakeout the following night, but he didn't think she'd been fooled.
The phone shrilled, and Cody grabbed it fast. He even forgot the sleepy voice.
"Something wrong?" There was a sharp note in Nick's voice, a question. "Why're you up? Is it a case?"
"No." Cody sighed, his partner's voice unwinding some of the tense knots inside him. "I just -- I miss you." It was the first time he'd said it flat out.
"I miss you too." Nick's voice softened. "Didn't think you'd have time to miss me, man. How're the wedding plans coming?"
"They're not," Cody said dismissively. "I don't think I'm the marrying kind, pal."
"Cody!" Nick's voice sharpened again. "Don't tell me you're quitting, hey? She cares about you. What's going on back there?"
"She cares about me, yeah. I'm not sure so much anymore what I feel about her, you know?"
"You told me she was your last chance." Nick sounded more upset than the situation warranted. "C'mon, big guy. Have you taken her to meet your mom yet?"
Cody stared at the phone. "No." he said slowly. "You know what, I never even thought of that. What the hell's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you. It's just been a while since you had a serious girl, you know?"
"I guess so." Cody rubbed his eyes. "Listen, Nick, you gotta promise me something."
"What's that?"
"What you said about going back. Promise me you won't without -- without talking to me first, okay?"
"So you can talk me out of it?" Nick asked wryly.
"Not if it's what you want." Cody took a shaky breath. "Just… don't disappear on me again. Please."
"Yeah, I'll give you that. It's been tougher than I expected."
"It's been hell," Cody said, surprising himself with the words. Not with their truth -- he'd admitted that all along -- but at finding them on his tongue, betraying his pain to Nick. It was something he'd been at pains to hide.
"I'm sorry." Nick's voice went low. "I didn't -- I thought you'd like it. I thought once you started spending all your time with her, you'd be okay."
Cody gave a short laugh. "I'm okay, Nick. But I don't like it. How about you?"
"Me? I'm late for roll call, is what." Nick sighed. "Hang tough, pal. Three weeks and I'll be home cramping your style, you know?"
Chapter Four
Cody's mother liked Joanna's poise, and hated her job. Liked the white modern house, hated that Joanna owned it herself. Absolutely loved that Nick was out of town, and hoped out loud he was planning to stay that way.
"After all, two grown men sharing a cabin on a little old boat is hardly the way you want to live the rest of your life, is it?"
Cody bit back a sharp "Yes" and marched to the register to pay the bill. He'd taken the two women in his life out for lunch, and was rapidly regretting the impulse which had invited his mother to Southern California for a week.
By the time he returned to the table, both women were smiling. "Joanna tells me she might be transferred east," his mother said smugly. "It would be so nice to have you close again."
Cody managed a suitable smile and shepherded the ladies out. His mother had arrived the previous day, and already visited the Riptide and passed judgement.
"Your sleeping arrangements haven't changed, Cody? And what do you and Joanna plan to do with two single bunks, anyhow?"
Joanna would never live on the Riptide. If Cody had needed any further confirmation, the fury in his own heart at his mother's snide remark made that clear.
"Joanna wants a condo, mom."
Now, to fill the day, Cody helped them into the Jimmy and headed up the coast. Driving beat talking, and the half-cab helped to limit conversation.
"Your mother doesn't like Nick very much, does she?" Joanna asked later. It had been a long, tiring day, and they were spooned together in Joanna's waterbed.
Cody rolled on his back, his arm around her. "She likes him all right, especially when he's around to sweet-talk her." He smiled despite himself, thinking of some of those occasions, of Nick's easy charm working its magic and thawing his mother's cool demeanor.
"Are you sure?" Joanna raised up, looking down at Cody with a furrowed brow. "She seemed so pleased to learn he was out of town."
"That, too." Cody sighed. "She hates that I served in Vietnam. She hates I never finished college, that I'm a private detective, that I live on a boat. Nick's a part of all that, so she doesn't approve of him, but she can't help liking him."
"I guess," Joanna said, still looking troubled. "It doesn't bother you?"
"What, being a constant disappointment to my mom? I try not to let it upset me, thanks for asking." Cody drew away, stung.
"I meant, that she doesn't see what's important to you." Joanna followed him, sliding her arms around his shoulders. "What is it, Cody? Are you trying to fight with me?"
"No, of course not," Cody lied, and rolled back, making himself accept the embrace. He was on edge and unsettled, neatly trapped into who his mother wanted him to be, the rebellious boy who one day would make her proud. It was a trap that only Nick had ever sprung with any success. "Mom's who she is, she can't help that. I hate her trying to change me, but there's nothing I can do about that. It just puts me on edge, that's all."
"I understand," Joanna purred, and rested her lips against his neck. "Well, maybe I can think of a way to relax you…"
Cody let her try, but was unsurprised when his body failed to play its part. Between the lack of sleep and the sleeping pills, his libido had taken a dive, and combined with the stress of the day, sex was the last thing on his mind.
"That's never happened before," Joanna murmured gently, placing light kisses all around his mouth. "Getting tired of me already?"
"Not of you." Cody smiled slightly. "I'm tired, though."
"I guess I knew that." Joanna went in for a deep kiss. "I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel better."
"You do make me feel better," Cody lied easily, gathering her to him. He thought vaguely that his lack of sexual response should worry him, but all he felt was relief. The exertions and intimacies of sex were beyond him tonight.
He closed his eyes, hating the soft movements of the waterbed, wishing for the gentle rock of his boat. The thick, cotton-wool feel of the sleeping pill was coming down and he let himself drift on it, thankful for it. Without it, there would have been no rest for him tonight.
Cody woke with the sun in his eyes, heart full of Nick. He knew, even as he opened his eyes, that he'd been dreaming despite the pills, but whatever had been in his head was no nightmare.
It was slipping away as fast as the bad dreams did, but Cody hung on. Nick had been with him, they'd been talking. Nick had looked in his eyes and laughed, then pulled him into a hug. Closing his eyes again, Cody struggled to go back into the dream, to hold Nick tight and keep him close.
"Oh, nice." Joanna's voice startled him awake. "Glad to see you're ready for me this morning, big boy. Not tired anymore, I see."
Cody was tired, more tired than when he'd gone to sleep, but he gave her a sleepy smile and arched as she took him in her hand. Nick was still in his head, still near, and most of his concentration remained with his partner.
Joanna straddled him, enveloping him in moist warmth, and he cried out. At the last moment, he stopped himself from saying Nick's name.
A moment later, it was all over, Joanna warm on his chest, his own eyes wide open, fully awake as he realized what had happened. His girlfriend had made love to him, and he'd come hard and fast -- all the while, his head and heart full of his partner. He'd never thought of Joanna once.
Cody rolled away from her and struggled out of the bed, then headed for the bathroom. He still felt thick and strange from the sleeping pills, and the floor wanted to roll under his feet. He slammed the door and leaned against it, staring at himself in the mirror.
"I'm a fucking mess," he said finally, splashed water on his face then relieved himself. Maybe it was the sleeping pills tearing him apart. Or maybe it was the whole thing with his mother. Every time he let her visit, it ripped him up -- her snide comments, the pitying way she looked at his life and found it wanting.
Usually, Nick was there to shore him up, to divert her mind, to turn her more cutting comments and make them into jokes, or lies. To hold Cody when his defenses weren't enough, to sit up all night and talk about nothing when Cody was too wound to sleep.
Without Nick, her barbs went deep, and his drugged mind had conjured his partner as another line of defense. That was all it was. And Joanna had picked that moment for intimacy.
It irritated him that she hadn't known better, that she'd pushed him this morning when he'd needed space. But that was what it was like with women, all women -- none of them knew him like Nick did, none of them could give him what he needed without endless questions. And whatever answers Cody gave were always wrong.
He let himself back out of the bathroom and went to perch on the edge of the bed. Joanna turned sleepy, sated eyes to him and smiled. "What are we going to do today?"
We. The word was like an anchor chain, heavy and hurtful, tying him down. "You're right, it's hard on me having Mom here," he said slowly. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go home for a while. Then I'll pick you up for dinner at six, just like we planned."
Joanna looked disappointed, like he'd known she would. "I took the day off so we could have some time together," she said.
Cody looked down and away.
"If you want to go home, I'll come with you. I don't mind. Maybe we could take the boat out?"
"Yeah." Cody found a smile from somewhere, and managed to plaster it on his face. "We could at that. Great idea."
*
Cody was coming down with something. He'd put it down to stress from his mother's visit or side effects from the sleeping pills, but the longer it went on, the less he was able to deny it.
Murray found him Friday evening sitting on the aft stairs, wearing only his jeans, cold sweat rolling down his torso. One look told Murray Cody was dizzy and sick; a second look told him Cody had run out of resources.
Murray wasn't exactly surprised -- Cody had been looking run-down as hell, even with the sleeping pills. "Carla's just recovered from the flu," he said, laying a hand on Cody's forehead. "Looks like you're next, huh?"
Cody leaned into the touch, shivering, then turned heavy-lidded eyes to Murray's face. "S'posed to be meeting Joanna," he muttered.
"Yeah, I know." Carla's illness had cancelled their weekly double-date, but Murray knew Cody had planned to take Joanna out anyhow. "She's gonna have to take a rain check, Cody."
"She'll be mad," Cody managed through chattering teeth. "Things didn't go so great while Mom was here."
"Trust me, they'll go even worse if you try and go anywhere except your bed. C'mon."
With difficulty, Murray got his partner down the stairs, through the shower, into sweats and into bed. The three of them were used to caring for each other when required, and Murray tucked him in easily, took his temperature, and brought him hot lemon to drink and Tylenol for his fever.
Unlike Nick, Cody was usually a good patient, content to follow instructions and rest, at least at the beginning of an illness while he still felt terrible. But tonight he was restless, worrying about Joanna, and fretting about Murray's plans.
"Stay right here in this bed," Murray said firmly. "I'm going to call Joanna right now."
"She's gonna come over." Cody moved his head fretfully.
"Not tonight," Murray replied, laying a hand on Cody's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know you'd rather have her than me, but tonight you need to rest, and you'll do that better without distractions."
"She's coming, isn't she?" Cody asked as Murray re-entered the stateroom.
Murray sat down on Cody's bunk and patted his shoulder awkwardly. "No. She wanted to, but I persuaded her otherwise. I'm sorry, I know you want her, but -- "
"Don' want her." Cody rubbed his eyes. "God, I feel bad, Boz."
"I know." Cody was flushed from fever, and there was a light sheen of sweat back on his face already. "Those pills'll help soon, and then maybe you can get some sleep."
"Mmm." Cody closed his eyes, then opened them again. "Is it Monday? Is Nick gonna call? You won't tell him I'm sick, huh?"
"Nick called Wednesday night. He'll be home Sunday."
"Can't have," Cody muttered. "He calls Mondays. Not Wednesdays. Gotta take Joanna out Wednesdays…"
"Sure you do." Murray stood up. "I'm gonna get your sleeping pills. I think you need one."
"Need Nick," Cody murmured, eyes closing. "Don't tell him."
Murray smiled slightly. "I don't think he needs me to tell him that," he said under his breath, and left the room.
Part Two
Rating: NC17
Summary: Cody thinks Joanna might be the one for him. Nick tries to help. Murray's smarter than both of them.
Chapter One
"Maybe she's the one, Nick." Cody, sprawled on his sun-lounger, well aware he was already several sheets to the wind, gestured with his half-empty beer bottle. It was long past sunset, and he and Nick were still topside, setting the world to rights, enjoying a rare evening of not being broke, and not being shot at. It was a heady feeling, and that, combined with the growing beer buzz, induced Cody to put his thoughts about Joanna Parisi into words.
"Joanna?" Nick had been leaning on the table, but at Cody's words he sat back, blinking at his partner. "Buddy, she earns more'n we do. I thought we agreed, no more women's libbers?"
"Nah, that was your rule." Cody smirked and sucked on his beer. "I don't mind a liberated lady."
Nick snorted. "Until it's your turn to cook and wash up," he retorted. "When's the last time you did galley duty, huh?"
"Same week you cleaned the latrine, guy." Cody's smirk stayed in place. "We play to our strengths. Figure I can do the same with her, you know?"
"Make sure and tell her you're the guy when it comes to toilet bowls, huh?" Nick snickered.
"Seriously, Nick." Cody scrambled to a more upright position, then grabbed the table for support. The Riptide must be rocking violently, he thought, struggling to regain his equilibrium.
"Easy, big guy." Nick reached across, grabbing his arm, steadying the rocking. "How much have you drunk, anyhow?"
"Only the same as you, I think." Cody frowned, concentrating on his train of thought. "Seriously," he repeated. "I've known her a year now. I think… maybe I can make a go of this one." He looked up at Nick, seeking approval. Reassurance. "Do you think she likes me?"
All vestige of amusement had faded from Nick's face. He looked sad, somehow, and Cody swallowed hard. "She doesn't like me, right?" Cody muttered, looking away. "I've got it wrong again."
"No." Nick shifted his grip from Cody's arm, taking his hand instead. He took a deep breath, and anyone but Cody would have missed the quiver in his voice when he spoke again. "She likes you just fine, man. Anyone can see that. Myself, I dunno what she sees in you, but there's no accounting for taste."
Cody grinned at the tease, looking back up shyly. "So what, then? Why don't you think she'll go for me?"
"She'll go for you, pal. That's not up for question." Nick squeezed Cody's hand, looking into his eyes. "Are you sure, Cody? That she's the one, I mean?"
Cody looked back, hesitant. There was something in Nick's gaze, something he didn't understand. Something that made him wish his head was clearer, the night was younger. "I think she might be my last chance," he said baldly, and dropped his eyes.
"Aw, babe -- " Nick grabbed his shoulders, pulled him up into a hug. "That's the beer talking, you know? It ain't like you to get maudlin on me."
Cody returned the hug and managed a laugh. It was true, he wasn't a sloppy drunk, or a sorrowful one, but that wasn't the point. What he'd told Nick was the bare, unvarnished truth.
*
Joanna was going for him. Nick had been right about that. Somewhere in the last few weeks, they'd made the transition from friends hanging out after work, shooting the breeze over a couple of drinks, to a tentative couple. Cody'd started wearing loafers and sports coats when he picked her up, and Joanna had taken to leaving off her pastel suits and going for softer lines, more feminine dresses.
"Don't think she's as liberated as we thought," Cody confided to Nick after lights out, snuggling beneath his blanket.
A few inches away, he heard Nick's soft sigh. "She's smitten with you, anyhow. Good going, man."
"I guess." Cody wriggled a little more, getting comfortable. "I dunno, somehow I gotta take it to the next level, see what happens. I don't wanna take it to her place… I wouldn't feel right bringing her here."
"Huh." Cody could almost feel Nick's thoughts mirror his own. In the early days, the big front cabin, now Murray's, had been their hook-up space. But even had it been available, that wasn't what Cody wanted for Joanna. And squashing into a single bunk wouldn't fit either.
"We're not really set up for adulthood, huh," Nick muttered, reaching across the space between them and squeezing Cody's shoulder. "Listen, guy. You want I should move out?"
"No!" Cody choked on the word, grabbing Nick's wrist. "That isn't what I was getting at."
"Maybe not, but we gotta look at it." In the dark, Nick propped himself on his elbow. "If you and Joanna get serious, you're gonna need a double bed down here, you know? And, uh, no room-mate."
"Eventually, I guess." Cody heard the tightness in his own voice mirroring the tension in his chest. "Maybe. I don't know."
Nick sat up and switched on the light above his bunk. "Cody," he said gently. "If this is what you want, you gotta think about it. Plan for it. Make it happen."
"I don't know if it's what I want." Cody sat up, staring at Nick. "I don't want to lose you."
"I don't want to lose you either, big guy." Nick gave him a crooked grin. "But I don't wanna stand in your way. You got a chance at this, pal, you know you do."
"But -- "
"No buts." Nick quirked his eyebrows and pointed his finger at Cody's chest. "You love her, right? So go get her, tiger."
Cody gulped. "I just -- I don't want things to change. I don't know if it'll work out with her, buddy."
"Aw, babe." Nick reached over, gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "I know you're scared. But you know what? You gotta try, okay?"
"I guess."
Nick switched off the light and Cody lay back down, mind churning. He was scared, there was no arguing with that. He couldn't picture Joanna living aboard, and he certainly couldn't picture himself living in her sprawling white house. "Nick, I don't know how to do this," he whispered, very low.
"This is what you're gonna do." Nick sounded calm, matter of fact. "You're gonna take her away for the weekend. San Diego, maybe, or go north -- doesn't really matter as long as you get a nice hotel, some nice beach to walk on. An art gallery maybe, something like that, you know? Five star restaurant, brunch, hand-holding, the whole nine yards. You get the picture?"
"Yeah," Cody said with more confidence. The picture Nick was talking about was something he could do. "But then what?"
"Well, you know, when things are right, they have a way of sorting themselves out. Like you and me and this boat, the agency… they all just happened, right?"
"I guess so," Cody agreed doubtfully. "But -- "
"You're thinking about this whole thing too much, babe." Nick's voice quivered, he coughed then caught his breath. "Get through the weekend and see how you feel, huh? I mean, have you even shared a bed with her yet?"
Cody groaned softly. "I've kissed her. That's all."
"And you already think she's the one? Man, you got it bad." Nick coughed again. "Call her tomorrow, ask her about the weekend. You gotta get this ball rolling, or you'll be eighty-one and we'll still be tellin' secrets in the dark."
Cody's heart cramped at the idea of Nick's absence, even as his groin perked up at the idea of the weekend away. It had been months since he'd been with anyone, and when he thought about it, Nick had to have been suffering a similar drought.
"With me out of the way, maybe you can get Bambi over here," he suggested. "It's been a long time for both of us."
"Yeah," Nick said shortly, then sighed. "Haven't been missing it, but you're right. It's been a while."
*
Nick was on the fantail when Cody swung the Jimmy back into its spot, and the sight of his partner was the perfect comfort, the perfect end to a perfect weekend. Whistling, he jumped out, hauling his suitcase with him, and hurried down the companionway toward home.
"Hey, buddy." Nick stood to greet him, took the suitcase, grinned into Cody's dancing eyes. "Nice weekend, huh?"
"You're not kidding." Cody swung aboard and followed Nick below. The stateroom was neat, ordered as it always was in Cody's absence -- Nick had never lost his military habits, while Cody was more careless.
Nick swung the suitcase to Cody's bunk, flipped it open, and started unpacking as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Cody leaned against the doorjamb, watching idly -- it was natural indeed. More often than not, Nick packed and unpacked for both of them.
"So what now?" Nick asked softly, tossing a knot of laundry at the hamper in the bottom of their closet. "You bought her a ring yet?"
Cody flushed. "That's sounding kinda serious. We had a nice weekend, that's all."
Nick grinned, stowed a pile of polos in the drawer, then slid the empty case under Cody's bunk. He turned and sat on the bed, looking up at his partner expectantly.
"What about you?" Cody rushed into speech. "Did Bambi come over?"
"Naw." Nick shrugged and leaned back against the wall. "Wasn't much for company. Me and Boz shot the breeze some. Oh, and I did some research for you."
"Research for me? What do you mean?"
Nick patted the bed beside him, pulling a folded page from his pocket with the other hand. "Look." Cody accepted the invitation, sliding into the space beside Nick, leaning close as Nick's arm went around him.
"See, they can put a double in here easy enough. It ain't even that expensive." Nick sucked in a deep breath. "Thought maybe -- that could be my wedding present to you, huh? I mean, I ain't gonna fob you off with a gravy boat, you know? That way, at least I know I'm gettin' you something you'll use."
Cody's heart thundered in his chest, and he felt the walls closing in. He looked away from the paper, trapped, frightened, unable to breathe. He'd run if he could, but he had nowhere to go, and no strength to go with.
"Cody! Cody, babe, it's okay."
Through the roaring in his ears, the dark clouds in his vision, Cody became aware that Nick had laid him down on the bunk, loosened his belt, pulled off his shoes and socks. He shuddered, gulped at air, and managed to focus on his partner's frightened eyes. "I -- I'm okay," he whispered.
Nick nodded, slow. He was holding Cody's hand, and as Cody started to breathe again, slid onto the bunk beside him. "I got you now," he murmured, easing his arms around Cody.
Cody leaned into him, letting go. The first months back from 'Nam, the panic attacks had been regular things, something he and Nick had learned to manage together. He hadn't had one in more than a year. "Sorry," he muttered.
"No, I'm sorry," Nick muttered back, sitting up slowly. "I laid too much on you, huh? I'm seventeen kinds of jerk, turns out."
"Only seven," Cody whispered, rolling over. He pressed his back against Nick's leg, sighing contentedly as Nick stroked the back of his neck. "Let me just stay here a minute, okay?"
"As long as you need," Nick reassured him gently. "I'm not gonna rush you again."
*
The panic attack, Cody reasoned, was a one-off thing, brought on by the exertions of the weekend and lack of sleep. Nick agreed, although he stayed off the subject of wedding presents, and made a point of double-dating with Cody and Joanna all week.
His choice, a pert, gamin little librarian with glasses and short dark bangs, was so different from his usual willowy blond type that Cody did a double-take. But Nick assured him Susie was a tiger in the sack and a sweetheart in the kitchen, and Cody couldn't figure out why that news didn't make him happy for his friend.
It made him, if he was honest with himself, uneasy. Nick wasn't the type to kiss and tell, not even with Cody -- even though he made a point of wheedling the details of Cody's conquests out of his friend, he rarely shared his own exploits.
"You going to keep seeing Susie?" Cody asked into the darkness of Sunday night. They'd taken the girls out for dinner then returned early -- both Susie and Joanna had to be at work at eight the next morning.
"Haven't decided. I'm not sure her and Joanna are hitting it off."
Cody nodded in the dark. He'd noticed it himself -- Susie's contemptuous glances, Joanna's half-self-conscious avoidance. "Susie's a lot younger, I guess."
"When it comes to women's lib, Susie wrote the book, and I think she thinks Joanna's doing it wrong."
Cody snorted, then shook himself. "Wait a minute. No women's libbers, remember?"
"I know. She fooled me, bein' a librarian and all."
"Wait, librarians can't be into women's lib?"
"Turns out they can," Nick said, half rueful, half amused. "But I'll tell you a secret. When a girl likes you, it don't matter so much if she's liberated or not. It's when she's pissed, that's when you gotta watch yourself."
Cody burst out laughing. "Have you pissed her off yet?"
"Nope." Cody could hear the grin in Nick's voice. "She thinks I'm cute. Long as that lasts, I figure I'm safe."
"Don't come crying to me when it fails you, pal."
"What, my cuteness? Never."
"Tell it to the judge." Cody yawned and stretched, feeling better for the conversation. He was tired and comfortable, ready to sleep deep and easy -- the way he only slept on his boat. The nights with Joanna were not yet natural -- his sleep was still disturbed and light, with her. "Night, Nick."
"Night, pal. Sleep tight."
Cody woke in the darkness of war, armed and dangerous, surrounded by enemies. It was all he knew -- to fight, to hurt, to win. There was no other way. Until strong arms pinned him, held him as he fought in vain, held him until the battle-noise was silent. In the silence, Nick's voice, hollow and frightened, husky with tears.
Cody swallowed hard, aware of his own ragged breathing, his partner's heartbeat in his ears. "Nick?" he managed, choking on tears of his own, struggling with the sweat-soaked sheet.
"Right here." Nick released him, sitting up, daring to switch on the light. Cody winced at the brightness and scrambled up, reaching out. In a moment, Nick had him again, folded against his chest, whispering nonsense words of comfort.
"Did I -- hurt you?" Cody shuddered in Nick's arms. He'd fought, he knew it, and the idea of hurting his partner was worse than the dream.
"I'm too quick for you." Nick spoke into his hair. "Always have been. But Joanna might wanna work on her right hook, you know?"
"Oh, God." Cody groaned against Nick's chest.
"Kidding." Nick held him closer. "It'll be okay, babe, you'll see. C'mon, huh? You ready for a shower?"
Chapter Two
The hardest part, Cody reasoned, was always going to be the living arrangements. He had his boat and his partner, neither of which he was prepared to give up. Joanna had her nicely chosen house, and her suburban expectations, and Cody didn't figure she planned on giving them up either. It was a stalemate not yet broached, and it hung over his head as he watched the impatience in her eyes.
He didn't want her to be the one to bring it up, but until he had a solution, he had no idea what to say.
"How about another weekend in San Diego? Would you like that, just you and me?"
"Just you and me sounds good," she agreed, taking his hand. "I never feel like I get enough of you, if you know what I mean."
Cody swallowed that, pushed it down. Part of him belonged to his partner and always would, but Joanna couldn't mean that. "Between your job and the agency, we have to do what we can."
Joanna's eyes flashed, but she only nodded.
"San Diego again?" Nick raised his eyebrows when Cody told him. "You come into money?"
"It's tough, but…" Cody stopped.
Nick nodded sympathetically. "Going away's easier? I get it buddy, I do. Listen, okay? I got something planned out -- something to make it work for you, all right?"
"What sort of something?" Cody frowned. There was something in Nick's eyes he didn't understand. "What do you mean, Nick?"
"I mean you been dating her six months and it's time." Nick took him by the shoulders, serious now. "C'mon, babe. You want this, right? She's the one?"
Cody nodded slowly. "Y--yes. I mean, I think so."
"You can do better than that, big guy. Look at me and tell me, huh? Is this the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
Cody swallowed hard. "That's a big question, Nick."
"I know, but you gotta trust me on this one. It's time, Cody. Is she the one?"
Cody looked into his partner's eyes, searching, as though the answer was written there. And maybe it was, because Nick smiled at him gently and pulled him into a hug. "She's gonna make you happy, baby. I know she is, okay? You don't gotta worry about anything anymore. Just trust me, huh?"
"Of course I trust you." Cody fought an irrational urge to cry, holding on to Nick tightly -- far tighter than the moment warranted, in his opinion. But nothing would make him let go.
"You know I love you, huh?"
Cody nodded against Nick's shoulder, aware of the edge of vulnerability in his partner's voice. "Love you too, pal. Always." Two tears lost the fight and crawled down his face, out of place and unneeded.
Nick pulled back, looked at him and caught the tears, one after the other with a gentle thumb. "What's that for, huh? You're gonna have a great weekend, you know?"
"I know." Cody shrugged and turned away. "You seeing Susie?"
"No," Nick said quietly, and laid his hands flat on Cody's back. "You have my fun for me, okay, big guy?"
*
The weekend was not an unqualified success. Something about the goodbye had left Cody unsettled and needing, wanting his partner. Something about Joanna's clinging touches, usually so welcome, felt intrusive and wrong.
He didn't sleep well, and when he slept, he dreamed. Not the nightmares -- he wasn't deep enough under for that -- but unsettling snatches that brought him gasping awake, Nick's name on his lips.
The third time, he crawled from the bed, used the bathroom, made coffee. Started when Joanna came up behind him, soft hands too gentle on his skin. "Something's wrong," she said quietly. "Let's go home tomorrow instead of Sunday."
Cody shook his head, fear and defeat filling his chest. "I don't -- I'm fine. I'm just off-balance tonight. Tired, maybe."
"You're calling for Nick." Joanna turned him around, looked at him seriously. "Why?"
Cody shot her a hunted glance. "I was dreaming, that's all."
"About him?"
Cody closed his eyes. His dreams rarely stayed with him long, leaving him with nothing more than a confusion of feelings. That, and a need for Nick. "I don't really know," he said, opening his eyes again. "Jo, can we drop it? I'll be fine after a cup of coffee, promise."
The second night, he barely let himself sleep at all. He'd snuck away in the afternoon and called the Riptide, but had only gotten the answerphone. Without the reassurance of Nick's voice, the comfort of his closeness, he'd been tempted to take Joanna at her word and cut the weekend short.
But he'd held himself together, found the composure to love her, the strength to sit through dinner. And if Sunday morning was a long, agonizing wait until Joanna was packed, and breakfasted, and showered, and finally -- finally -- ready to hit the road, well, he wasn't the first man in the world to wait for a woman.
He was quiet on the drive back, his mind already on his boat with Nick. Joanna tried to lure him with lunch, lingering sweetly as he dropped her off, but he kissed her briefly and marched back to the car. He cared for her, but his skin didn't want to fit, and there was only one cure for that.
Nick.
Cody tapped his fingers on the steering wheel as he sat at a red light, thinking about the future. If he was married to Joanna, what would happen when he needed Nick? Could he really learn to sleep beside Joanna, as safe and comfortable as he was with Nick?
Even if he could, could Nick learn to sleep without him?
"Man, we're a couple of fuck-ups," Cody said ruefully, pulling the Jimmy into its space. He frowned briefly at the Vette's empty slot and strode toward the boat, wondering where Nick was.
There were no clues in the salon, but the stateroom was another story. Nick's bed was neatly made, even by his standards, the army corners sharp enough to cut. The top of the nightstand was polished clean, and the storm-netting above Nick's pillow was empty.
Cody stared for a moment, heart plummeting, then saw the pale envelope lying on his own pillow. He grabbed it with shaking hands, desperately telling himself it was an ordinary note -- Nick had been called up to Reserves, taken an overnight helicopter tour, was off working a case with Murray.
He squeezed the envelope once then tore it open, barely able to breathe, and all his worst nightmares came true.
Hey buddy,
We had it good, you know? That's why I'm going, I hope you understand. Don't be mad at me, okay? Please?
I'm not trying to hurt you, although I know you're hurting right now. But you have to trust me. Joanna's right for you, and you won't go for it while I'm hanging around, holding you back.
Go get her, tiger, and send me a wedding invitation. Don't forget I have your present all planned out.
You can write to me care of Fort Ord. I volunteered for extended call-up, so I've got a hundred or so fires to fight. Wish me luck,
Nick
*
It was dark when Murray found him, sitting on Nick's bunk, the letter in his hands. Cody came back to himself with a start as Murray shook his shoulder, eyes stinging with tears, heart adrift.
"Cody, what's wrong? Is it Joanna? Did something happen in San Diego?"
Cody choked and shook his head. "Nick," he managed, keeping his voice steady with a superhuman effort. "Nick's gone. He's on an extended summer camp."
"Well, sure." Murray sat down hesitantly beside Cody and took the letter from his nerveless fingers. "He and I talked about that a couple of months back. Summer's always petty little cases -- nothing you and I can't manage alone."
Forcing his back straight, his mouth hard, his eyes open, Cody gave himself a shake, and said "Oh." There really wasn't anything else to say.
"He -- he didn't tell you?" Murray laid an awkward hand on Cody's arm. "I feel terrible. I would have told you if I'd realized -- but why would he keep it a secret from you? You're his best friend."
Cody shuddered and gestured at the note in Murray's hand. "He's playing matchmaker," he said hoarsely. "Thinks I won't get serious with Joanna with him around."
Murray nodded slowly. "Makes sense."
"What?"
Murray looked up at the sharp note in Cody's voice. "You and Nick are so tight," he said uncomfortably. "It's not easy for a girl trying to get in between."
"In between?" Cody frowned. "I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. I just got back from a weekend with Joanna. It's not like I took Nick along."
"Of course you didn't." Murray said quickly. "Listen, you feel like a pizza? And maybe we could rent a movie. Unless you want to call Joanna, of course."
Cody didn't want to call Joanna. He didn't want pizza or a movie either, not unless Nick was there, but Murray wasn't taking no for an answer. And Nick wasn't there. Cody went through the motions because there was no alternative, and later, lay sleepless in his silent, empty cabin.
He was up early the next morning, because the stateroom's four walls were more than he could stomach. He'd dozed in the predawn and woken heartsick and adrift, Nick's absence permeating everything. Cody had no idea how he'd get through, and when the phone shrilled, he grabbed it like a drowning man.
"Nick?"
"Aw, buddy. What if I'd been a client, huh?" Nick was trying to sound teasing and failing signally.
Cody grinned regardless, squeezing the handset, clinging to the sliver of connection. "At six a.m.? Not likely." He sobered, breathed, stumbled over his next words. "I wish you wouldn't have gone."
"I know. Believe me, guy, I know." Silence stretched between them for a moment. "You gotta try, Cody. Put her first, you know?"
"I coulda done that with you here." Cody fought tears, fought the longing to have a childish tantrum, to scream at Nick to come home. "I -- I need you."
"I need you too. Don't you doubt that, hey?" Nick sighed. "I know this is hard. Harder than I thought it would be, you want the truth." He hesitated. "I wasn't gonna call, y'know, but I -- I had to."
"Glad you did." Cody let his tears spill over. The summer without Nick stretched out empty, lonely before him. "Why'd you go, pal? It wasn't a great weekend. I was lookin' forward to seeing you…"
"And that's why I went." Cody's loneliness echoed in Nick's voice. "So's you wouldn't spend the next weekend with your girl thinkin' about coming home to me."
Cody swallowed his tears and leaned his forehead against the window. "What if that's how I want it?"
Nick's breath caught, and he gave a shaky laugh. "You're just being a fool now, huh? She's the one, you know it, and you gotta give this your best shot."
"It feels like the price is too high," Cody said quietly. "If having her means losing you…"
"You're not losing me," Nick said fiercely. "You couldn't, right? It just will be… different. And different's good, all right?"
Cody closed his eyes against a fresh batch of tears. Different felt anything but good. Different felt like hell on earth. "Yeah," was all he said. Then, "How long?"
"Twelve weeks. And after that we'll see."
"We'll see?"
"I thought of going back," Nick admitted. "The regular army, though, not the MPs. We'll see how the summer goes."
"Oh, Nick." Cody sank bonelessly onto the couch. "Is that what you want?"
"I've thought about it some," Nick said quietly. "I don't know if I want it. Figured I'd give it twelve weeks, you know?"
"Makes sense." Cody fought the tremor in his voice. He had no idea how to live without Nick for twelve weeks, let alone the rest of his life. He felt like his world was spiralling out of control. He wanted to scream and beg and somehow make Nick come back. He wanted to drive to Fort Ord and find his partner, find him and never let him go.
Silence stretched between them for a long moment. "Seriously, Cody, you gonna be okay?" Nick sounded scared himself, scared and vulnerable, and just as alone as Cody.
Cody closed his eyes. He was a grown man with an agency to run and a serious girlfriend. Men like him didn't fall apart because a friend went out of town. But he wasn't okay.
"I'll be fine, big guy," he said gamely, surprised at how steady he could keep his voice. "I wish you would have told me, though. It was kind of a rough surprise."
"I know. But I figured you'd talk me out of it, you know?" Nick sighed. "Listen, take it easy, okay? I gotta run, it's roll call any minute."
"Sure, buddy. Don't wanna get on the wrong side of the brass your first day."
"You got that right, pal. Take care of Murray, okay?"
The line went dead, and Cody dropped the phone to its cradle. He wanted to cry, but the emptiness inside him was too big for tears. The familiar salon mocked him -- his home, his sanctuary, but without Nick it was none of those things.
"How in the name of God am I gonna get through this?" he asked the silent boat.
Chapter Three
By the end of the second week, Cody had found a rhythm to the endless, exhausting days. Dinner with Joanna on a Wednesday meant two hours of careful flirting and an early night. Early for her, anyhow -- for Cody, it meant one more wakeful night, dozing on the fantail, unable to stomach the close confines of the stateroom. Absurd how the room, so welcoming when Nick was there, became a claustrophobic box without him.
Thursday was Happy Hour at Straightaways with Murray, and if Cody was quick enough, he could drink enough to buy himself an hour or two of honest-to-goodness sleep when they got home. Unless Murray figured out what he was up to, bought him dinner and made him eat, that was.
Friday, he and Joanna double-dated with Murray and his girl Carla, and then took it to Joanna's place. Cody was starting to dread Fridays. He didn't like Joanna's house, and he liked her waterbed less. The first Saturday, they'd tried it on the Riptide, but the experience had been so unsettling it had led to their first real fight.
Dinner in the salon had been nice -- Cody's fried chicken by candlelight with chocolate cake for dessert. But the bedroom walls did their closing-in act, and Cody couldn't get past it. He'd choked up and Joanna had walked out, and it had taken him most of the week to get back in her good graces.
This Saturday, Joanna was tied up working a homicide, and Cody felt guilty as hell. Instead of missing the woman he professed to love, he was relieved at a waterbedless night, a night he'd decided to spend in the salon with the TV on as background noise in the hope of keeping back the dreams.
He was uncomfortably aware that if he didn't get a full night's sleep soon, he was going to crash. Worse, he knew Murray knew it too.
Cody waited til the little guy was asleep and hauled pillow and blanket to the couch. He settled himself, choosing a sappy tearjerker because Nick would love it, carefully not looking directly at the empty bench seat across the room. In the dark, from the corner of his eye, he could imagine his partner there in the shadow. He could imagine he wasn't alone anymore.
"Don't know how you can like this shit," he muttered as Helen Howell leaned out of a railway carriage. "This's no more a classic than the Mimi."
It worked until he screamed himself awake, pistol-shots from the movie on screen taking him somewhere darker, somewhere filled with blood and death and loss. Somewhere he'd lost Nick forever. And when he opened his eyes at last to Murray's concerned face and the bright salon lights showing him, with more-than-technicolor clarity, that Nick was gone indeed, he lost it completely, rolling himself over so he knelt on the floor, his head on the couch, and crying as though he'd never stop.
"Cody. Cody, can you hear me?"
Cody felt like his head was stuffed with cotton wool. He was weighed down with the sick remnants of the dream, the confused pain of loss, the ache inside only Nick could soothe. Somehow, he cracked his eyes open. "Boz?"
"Hey." Murray sounded considerably more cheerful at being answered. "Are you feeling any better?"
"Better than what?" Cody muttered. The more he considered it, the worse he felt.
Murray gave a little laugh. "I'll take that as a yes. Why don't you try and sit up? I brought you coffee and juice, and just some toast. I didn't know if you'd feel like eating much."
"I don't." Cody groaned and sat up slowly. "Wow. I feel like I've been on the tequila."
"You -- oh!" The concerned look on Murray's face melted into understanding. "Was that what happened last night? I didn't realize you'd been drinking."
"I hadn't. Kinda wish I had, though." Cody leaned against the wall for support, blearily recognizing that he was in his own bunk. "How'd you get me down here, Murray?"
"You walked." Murray smiled and bestowed an awkward pat on his arm. "You were punchdrunk as hell, though. Worse than Nick when he's been firefighting and hasn't slept in a week." Murray paused, and patted Cody's arm again. "That's what it was, I think. Lack of sleep, I mean."
Cody's grunt was non-committal. The last thing he remembered was breaking down. "I had a nightmare," he muttered, looking away. "Sorry you had to deal with that."
"I helped a friend," Murray said steadily, and put the glass of juice in Cody's hand. "I didn't have to deal with anything."
Cody looked at him and smiled despite himself. Boz looked determined and worried, but not upset. And he didn't have a black eye.
"I went quietly, huh?"
"What do you mean, went quietly?" Murray watched with approval as Cody drank half his juice at one go.
"I didn't fight you? I, uh, don't remember very much."
"Fight me?" Murray frowned. "No. You broke down -- it must've been one hell of a nightmare -- I sat with you until you calmed down, then you came downstairs and went to bed. I stayed with you another hour, but you went out like a light."
Cody exchanged the juice glass for his coffee cup and took a sip. It wasn't as strong as Nick's, but it was strong enough.
"Why were you sleeping in the salon, anyhow?" Murray asked gently. "What was that about?"
"I thought with the TV on, I might not dream." Cody drank more coffee.
"Ah." Murray took the coffee cup, set it on the nightstand, and handed Cody a plate of toast. "Eat. You've been having nightmares since Nick went away, is that it?"
Cody sighed and obediently started his toast. "I always have nightmares, Boz. Whether Nick's here or not."
"Okay. So what is it, then? I've never seen you this strung out. You usually sleep okay when Nick's at reserves, right?"
"Yeah." Cody pushed the plate away. Because he's coming back. Because I can count the days. "I'm scared I'll dream when I'm with Joanna. I, uh -- " he hesitated, and took refuge in his coffee.
"You what? She'd want to help, you know that. I thought of calling her last night, in fact."
Cody shuddered. The last thing he wanted was for her to see his weakness. "No, Boz. It's that I don't always know where I am when I wake up. Sometimes I fight. One time I broke Nick's nose."
"Oh." Murray took the coffee cup away again, and replaced it with the plate. "I mean it. Eat." He glared until Cody picked up another slice of toast, then continued. "So you're worried about sleeping when you're with her. I guess that makes sense. But what about the rest of the time? Why aren't you sleeping when you're at home?"
"I'm just not in a good space right now. It's hard to relax, and down here I feel like the walls are closing in."
"All right. So what do you plan on doing about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"Cody, you look terrible. You're wired like I've never seen you. If a case walked in the door I'd be afraid to take it, because I don't think you're in any shape to work. And, to put it bluntly, you're not doing yourself any good with Joanna. She was pretty angry with you on the weekend, am I right?"
"Okay." Cody made another attempt to replace his plate with the coffee, and as Murray glared settled for the orange juice instead. "You got me, Boz. I know I'm kind of a mess, but I got no idea what to do about it."
"Then let me tell you what you're gonna do about it." Murray squeezed his shoulder. "You're going to the doctor, telling him about the nightmares, and getting some sleeping pills that'll knock you out and stop you dreaming."
Cody balked. "I don't like pills."
"Maybe not," Murray said gently, hand still on Cody's shoulder. "But if you'd seen yourself last night, you wouldn't be arguing with me right now. In fact, if it had been me in that state, you'd have put me in the hospital. So you're gonna do what I tell you, because right now you need some help."
"I still don't like it." Cody looked down.
"Listen to me." Murray sat back. "Here's the alternative. Next time I call Fort Ord and have Nick sent home on emergency medical leave. Or I can do that right now, if that's what you want. Because I may not be able to make you go to the doctor, but I sure as hell won't sit here and watch you kill yourself."
"I'll go to the doctor." Cody held up his hands in surrender. "Don't call Nick, okay? I'm fine."
*
As much as Cody hated the thick, heavy feel of the sleeping pills, it was a relief to have found an off-button for his brain. Even more of a relief to be able to relax beside Joanna, and sleep unafraid of his own actions. He used them on the nights he spent with her, and on the nights at home when he felt himself coming unglued.
He and Murray worked some small cases -- a cheating husband, a ripped-off tourist, a lost puppy -- and Joanna started talking about selling her house. "Where do you want to live, Cody? Somewhere near the sea? You know, there's a possibility I might be transferred, how would you feel about that?"
Cody evaded the question, and admitted to himself he felt like shit. Being with Joanna had lost whatever excitement it had ever had. The idea of living with Joanna repelled him. He didn't even know how he felt about her anymore.
All he knew was that at six a.m. every Monday morning, he was sitting by the phone in the salon, waiting for Nick's call. The call he answered with a deceptively sleepy voice, trying to make Nick think he'd just woken up. The call he lived for.
Joanna had this Monday off work, and Cody knew he'd upset her by refusing to stay. Even worse, he knew she had a damn good idea Nick's call was the reason. He'd fobbed her off with a story about being tired, about a stakeout the following night, but he didn't think she'd been fooled.
The phone shrilled, and Cody grabbed it fast. He even forgot the sleepy voice.
"Something wrong?" There was a sharp note in Nick's voice, a question. "Why're you up? Is it a case?"
"No." Cody sighed, his partner's voice unwinding some of the tense knots inside him. "I just -- I miss you." It was the first time he'd said it flat out.
"I miss you too." Nick's voice softened. "Didn't think you'd have time to miss me, man. How're the wedding plans coming?"
"They're not," Cody said dismissively. "I don't think I'm the marrying kind, pal."
"Cody!" Nick's voice sharpened again. "Don't tell me you're quitting, hey? She cares about you. What's going on back there?"
"She cares about me, yeah. I'm not sure so much anymore what I feel about her, you know?"
"You told me she was your last chance." Nick sounded more upset than the situation warranted. "C'mon, big guy. Have you taken her to meet your mom yet?"
Cody stared at the phone. "No." he said slowly. "You know what, I never even thought of that. What the hell's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you. It's just been a while since you had a serious girl, you know?"
"I guess so." Cody rubbed his eyes. "Listen, Nick, you gotta promise me something."
"What's that?"
"What you said about going back. Promise me you won't without -- without talking to me first, okay?"
"So you can talk me out of it?" Nick asked wryly.
"Not if it's what you want." Cody took a shaky breath. "Just… don't disappear on me again. Please."
"Yeah, I'll give you that. It's been tougher than I expected."
"It's been hell," Cody said, surprising himself with the words. Not with their truth -- he'd admitted that all along -- but at finding them on his tongue, betraying his pain to Nick. It was something he'd been at pains to hide.
"I'm sorry." Nick's voice went low. "I didn't -- I thought you'd like it. I thought once you started spending all your time with her, you'd be okay."
Cody gave a short laugh. "I'm okay, Nick. But I don't like it. How about you?"
"Me? I'm late for roll call, is what." Nick sighed. "Hang tough, pal. Three weeks and I'll be home cramping your style, you know?"
Chapter Four
Cody's mother liked Joanna's poise, and hated her job. Liked the white modern house, hated that Joanna owned it herself. Absolutely loved that Nick was out of town, and hoped out loud he was planning to stay that way.
"After all, two grown men sharing a cabin on a little old boat is hardly the way you want to live the rest of your life, is it?"
Cody bit back a sharp "Yes" and marched to the register to pay the bill. He'd taken the two women in his life out for lunch, and was rapidly regretting the impulse which had invited his mother to Southern California for a week.
By the time he returned to the table, both women were smiling. "Joanna tells me she might be transferred east," his mother said smugly. "It would be so nice to have you close again."
Cody managed a suitable smile and shepherded the ladies out. His mother had arrived the previous day, and already visited the Riptide and passed judgement.
"Your sleeping arrangements haven't changed, Cody? And what do you and Joanna plan to do with two single bunks, anyhow?"
Joanna would never live on the Riptide. If Cody had needed any further confirmation, the fury in his own heart at his mother's snide remark made that clear.
"Joanna wants a condo, mom."
Now, to fill the day, Cody helped them into the Jimmy and headed up the coast. Driving beat talking, and the half-cab helped to limit conversation.
"Your mother doesn't like Nick very much, does she?" Joanna asked later. It had been a long, tiring day, and they were spooned together in Joanna's waterbed.
Cody rolled on his back, his arm around her. "She likes him all right, especially when he's around to sweet-talk her." He smiled despite himself, thinking of some of those occasions, of Nick's easy charm working its magic and thawing his mother's cool demeanor.
"Are you sure?" Joanna raised up, looking down at Cody with a furrowed brow. "She seemed so pleased to learn he was out of town."
"That, too." Cody sighed. "She hates that I served in Vietnam. She hates I never finished college, that I'm a private detective, that I live on a boat. Nick's a part of all that, so she doesn't approve of him, but she can't help liking him."
"I guess," Joanna said, still looking troubled. "It doesn't bother you?"
"What, being a constant disappointment to my mom? I try not to let it upset me, thanks for asking." Cody drew away, stung.
"I meant, that she doesn't see what's important to you." Joanna followed him, sliding her arms around his shoulders. "What is it, Cody? Are you trying to fight with me?"
"No, of course not," Cody lied, and rolled back, making himself accept the embrace. He was on edge and unsettled, neatly trapped into who his mother wanted him to be, the rebellious boy who one day would make her proud. It was a trap that only Nick had ever sprung with any success. "Mom's who she is, she can't help that. I hate her trying to change me, but there's nothing I can do about that. It just puts me on edge, that's all."
"I understand," Joanna purred, and rested her lips against his neck. "Well, maybe I can think of a way to relax you…"
Cody let her try, but was unsurprised when his body failed to play its part. Between the lack of sleep and the sleeping pills, his libido had taken a dive, and combined with the stress of the day, sex was the last thing on his mind.
"That's never happened before," Joanna murmured gently, placing light kisses all around his mouth. "Getting tired of me already?"
"Not of you." Cody smiled slightly. "I'm tired, though."
"I guess I knew that." Joanna went in for a deep kiss. "I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel better."
"You do make me feel better," Cody lied easily, gathering her to him. He thought vaguely that his lack of sexual response should worry him, but all he felt was relief. The exertions and intimacies of sex were beyond him tonight.
He closed his eyes, hating the soft movements of the waterbed, wishing for the gentle rock of his boat. The thick, cotton-wool feel of the sleeping pill was coming down and he let himself drift on it, thankful for it. Without it, there would have been no rest for him tonight.
Cody woke with the sun in his eyes, heart full of Nick. He knew, even as he opened his eyes, that he'd been dreaming despite the pills, but whatever had been in his head was no nightmare.
It was slipping away as fast as the bad dreams did, but Cody hung on. Nick had been with him, they'd been talking. Nick had looked in his eyes and laughed, then pulled him into a hug. Closing his eyes again, Cody struggled to go back into the dream, to hold Nick tight and keep him close.
"Oh, nice." Joanna's voice startled him awake. "Glad to see you're ready for me this morning, big boy. Not tired anymore, I see."
Cody was tired, more tired than when he'd gone to sleep, but he gave her a sleepy smile and arched as she took him in her hand. Nick was still in his head, still near, and most of his concentration remained with his partner.
Joanna straddled him, enveloping him in moist warmth, and he cried out. At the last moment, he stopped himself from saying Nick's name.
A moment later, it was all over, Joanna warm on his chest, his own eyes wide open, fully awake as he realized what had happened. His girlfriend had made love to him, and he'd come hard and fast -- all the while, his head and heart full of his partner. He'd never thought of Joanna once.
Cody rolled away from her and struggled out of the bed, then headed for the bathroom. He still felt thick and strange from the sleeping pills, and the floor wanted to roll under his feet. He slammed the door and leaned against it, staring at himself in the mirror.
"I'm a fucking mess," he said finally, splashed water on his face then relieved himself. Maybe it was the sleeping pills tearing him apart. Or maybe it was the whole thing with his mother. Every time he let her visit, it ripped him up -- her snide comments, the pitying way she looked at his life and found it wanting.
Usually, Nick was there to shore him up, to divert her mind, to turn her more cutting comments and make them into jokes, or lies. To hold Cody when his defenses weren't enough, to sit up all night and talk about nothing when Cody was too wound to sleep.
Without Nick, her barbs went deep, and his drugged mind had conjured his partner as another line of defense. That was all it was. And Joanna had picked that moment for intimacy.
It irritated him that she hadn't known better, that she'd pushed him this morning when he'd needed space. But that was what it was like with women, all women -- none of them knew him like Nick did, none of them could give him what he needed without endless questions. And whatever answers Cody gave were always wrong.
He let himself back out of the bathroom and went to perch on the edge of the bed. Joanna turned sleepy, sated eyes to him and smiled. "What are we going to do today?"
We. The word was like an anchor chain, heavy and hurtful, tying him down. "You're right, it's hard on me having Mom here," he said slowly. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna go home for a while. Then I'll pick you up for dinner at six, just like we planned."
Joanna looked disappointed, like he'd known she would. "I took the day off so we could have some time together," she said.
Cody looked down and away.
"If you want to go home, I'll come with you. I don't mind. Maybe we could take the boat out?"
"Yeah." Cody found a smile from somewhere, and managed to plaster it on his face. "We could at that. Great idea."
*
Cody was coming down with something. He'd put it down to stress from his mother's visit or side effects from the sleeping pills, but the longer it went on, the less he was able to deny it.
Murray found him Friday evening sitting on the aft stairs, wearing only his jeans, cold sweat rolling down his torso. One look told Murray Cody was dizzy and sick; a second look told him Cody had run out of resources.
Murray wasn't exactly surprised -- Cody had been looking run-down as hell, even with the sleeping pills. "Carla's just recovered from the flu," he said, laying a hand on Cody's forehead. "Looks like you're next, huh?"
Cody leaned into the touch, shivering, then turned heavy-lidded eyes to Murray's face. "S'posed to be meeting Joanna," he muttered.
"Yeah, I know." Carla's illness had cancelled their weekly double-date, but Murray knew Cody had planned to take Joanna out anyhow. "She's gonna have to take a rain check, Cody."
"She'll be mad," Cody managed through chattering teeth. "Things didn't go so great while Mom was here."
"Trust me, they'll go even worse if you try and go anywhere except your bed. C'mon."
With difficulty, Murray got his partner down the stairs, through the shower, into sweats and into bed. The three of them were used to caring for each other when required, and Murray tucked him in easily, took his temperature, and brought him hot lemon to drink and Tylenol for his fever.
Unlike Nick, Cody was usually a good patient, content to follow instructions and rest, at least at the beginning of an illness while he still felt terrible. But tonight he was restless, worrying about Joanna, and fretting about Murray's plans.
"Stay right here in this bed," Murray said firmly. "I'm going to call Joanna right now."
"She's gonna come over." Cody moved his head fretfully.
"Not tonight," Murray replied, laying a hand on Cody's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know you'd rather have her than me, but tonight you need to rest, and you'll do that better without distractions."
"She's coming, isn't she?" Cody asked as Murray re-entered the stateroom.
Murray sat down on Cody's bunk and patted his shoulder awkwardly. "No. She wanted to, but I persuaded her otherwise. I'm sorry, I know you want her, but -- "
"Don' want her." Cody rubbed his eyes. "God, I feel bad, Boz."
"I know." Cody was flushed from fever, and there was a light sheen of sweat back on his face already. "Those pills'll help soon, and then maybe you can get some sleep."
"Mmm." Cody closed his eyes, then opened them again. "Is it Monday? Is Nick gonna call? You won't tell him I'm sick, huh?"
"Nick called Wednesday night. He'll be home Sunday."
"Can't have," Cody muttered. "He calls Mondays. Not Wednesdays. Gotta take Joanna out Wednesdays…"
"Sure you do." Murray stood up. "I'm gonna get your sleeping pills. I think you need one."
"Need Nick," Cody murmured, eyes closing. "Don't tell him."
Murray smiled slightly. "I don't think he needs me to tell him that," he said under his breath, and left the room.
Part Two