riptide_asylum (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
riptide_asylum) wrote2015-03-27 10:56 pm
riptide_asylum) wrote2015-03-27 10:56 pm
Entry tags:
"The Best Policy" (Other, 1986)
Title: The Best Policy
Rating: R
Summary: Nick doesn't always tell Cody truth. Or at least not the whole truth. But maybe he should...
Honesty and harmony -- two words with nothing to do with one another, in Nick's opinion. Even mild honesty, like the duct tape saga, went South hard and fast. If one thing was certain, it was that Nick considered too much honesty an unnecessary risk in his friendship with Cody Allen -- something he freely owned as the most important relationship in his life.
"What do you think about Paula, Nick? Isn't she great, huh?"
Nick's hand slipped and he watched with chagrin as his bowling ball spun weakly right and into the gutter. "Damn it, man, if that'd been a strike I woulda had you."
Cody grinned happily, then went back to looking expectant. Nick smiled.Two bit whore with fat legs and her fingers in your wallet. Slutty little bitch with an eye for the main chance. "Paula? She sure is great. Do you think your mom's gonna take to her?"
Cody's happy grin faded. "I'm not so sure," he said slowly. "Maybe I better cool it with her til after mom visits."
"Whatever you think, guy."
That was one crisis averted. Paula, hanging out for a guy to move in with, or at least pick up her tab, moved on before Mrs. Allen flew out. Last Nick heard, she'd been trying her luck down at the yacht club.
Cody moped, but his mom's visits always left him down so Nick was pleased, in a way, he had something to take his mind off the last week.
"Your mom just wants you to be happy, big guy. You know what moms are like."
"I'll never be a lawyer, Nick. And if I was, I wouldn't be happy. Why can't she see that?"
Because she's selfish, guy. She wants to brag about you down at the Country Club. She's way more interested in you making her happy. "Want a beer?"
Cody had a beer, and another, and three nights of nightmares he wouldn't share with Nick -- the worst kind, in Nick's opinion, and when it came to Cody, Nick was usually right. But on night number four, Cody saw Paula with her new sugar daddy and switched from inadequate son to dumped boyfriend, something Nick found a great deal easier to deal with.
"There's plenty more girls out there, man. They'll arrive in the hundreds next month, and all you gotta do is pick your favorite color bikini, you know?"
"I know." Cody sighed. "I just… I thought it was going somewhere, pal. I really did."
Forget those fickle bitches and stay on the boat with me. Nick sighed and patted Cody on the shoulder. For a minute there, when Murray had ordered him to say something honest to Cody, he nearly had -- so tired of the lies and half-truths. So tired of hiding. Cody, you're right about those girls. I am jealous, but not because I want them for myself. It's you, you moron. You I want. He'd wondered, since then, if it had been a half-hearted challenge on Murray's part -- an opening for him to do just that. An opening he'd ignored, partly from cowardice, and partly out of habit.
Probably it was for the best. The duct tape line had gotten him deep enough in the shit -- not that Cody would have truly thrown him out, and not that Nick would have gone anyway (or not for more than a night, just to keep Cody on his toes) -- let alone if he'd dropped his guard and started talking about something that actually mattered.
"What d'you think, Nick? Am I ever gonna find the right girl?"
"Sure, buddy." Not if I can help it. Nick frowned briefly. Would he really sacrifice Cody's happiness, deliberately break up a relationship, just to keep Cody for himself? The answer came to him in a heartbeat. Not if she's worth it, babe. If she really makes you happy, if she really cares, I got your back. "You know?"
"I don't, though." Cody sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "There's supposed to be a soulmate for everyone, right? But what if I never meet her? What if I'm the guy who missed out, and there's no-one out there -- no-one who really, honestly loves me for me?"
Nick stared. "I love you," he said carefully. You're loved, babe. Never doubt it. Maybe I'm the guy who missed out, here.
Cody looked up and smiled. "Thanks, buddy," he said, and finished his beer. But when he put the bottle down, he went below without looking back.
Nick turned his gaze to the night sky. He knew it well from years of cargo flights, over hours and underslept, slogging home instead of bedding down in the chopper. Home to Cody. Cody who'd be waiting, sleepless and jumpy, nervous after his day of lifeguarding or polishing surfboards. Nervous after his day without Nick.
"But it's still not enough," Nick said out loud, and opened another beer. There was nothing for it but silence. Even if he told the truth, even if by some miracle Cody felt a spark in response, it wasn't what Nick felt. I wouldn't mind, he thought, traitorously. I wouldn't mind being the consolation prize, if only he was mine.
Nick sighed and rested the cool beer bottle against his forehead. It wasn't true, of course. Cody deserved to love with all his heart, with all his strength, and Nick knew without needing to test the theory that a lukewarm Cody would be worse than no Cody at all.
*
"Did you love Peggy?"
Nick paused in the act of climbing into his bunk, and plopped down on the edge instead. He'd known Cody was faking sleep -- after a decade of bunking with the guy, Nick knew every nuance of his breathing -- but he'd figured Cody was done talking for the night.
"I guess." I sure tried, pal. It didn't get me far, but hey, she was mad as a snake anyhow, so who's counting? "Why?"
"D'you think… was she your soulmate?"
"I don't know much about this soulmate stuff, man." Nick moved from the edge of his own bunk to Cody's, staring down through the dark at the gleam of Cody's eyes. Gently, he pushed the hair off Cody's forehead, stroked his temple, softly traced his jaw. At last, Nick's hand came to rest on Cody's shoulder, fingers lightly stroking just above the collarbone. The intimacy of the gesture was something reserved for times such as this -- in the aftermath of nightmares, on the days when PTSD lurked close to the surface. When Cody needed him.
Cody turned into the touch. "I guess you were more serious about her than I've seen you with a chick before. Only then she turned out kind of crazy and -- well, I wondered, that's all. If maybe when she's better you two might hook up again."
On a cold day in hell, my friend. Nick sighed and squeezed Cody's shoulder. "I think it's safe to say if I got a soulmate, it's not Peggy." Nick sat back, letting go, then found Cody's hand and gripped hard. "I'm not exactly looking to get tied down, you know? The wife, the kids, the picket fence… " Nick blew out his cheeks and shook his head. "I just don't think it's me, babe."
"I want that, I think."
Nick's eyes were adjusting to the dark, and he could see the troubled look on Cody's face. "I know you do, pal. And you're gonna find it, you know?" You gotta rub my nose in it, doncha, big guy? Nick found a smile and made it fit, kicked his heart in the ass and made it double-time. "She's gonna be beautiful, and sweet. She won't try and change you. She's gonna give you everything you ever wanted, you know?"
"That sounds like a fairy tale, and I gave up on them in kindergarten." Cody sighed and squeezed Nick's hand. "You know, over there I used to dream of you and me living on a boat in California. That was all I ever wanted. And I thought it was a fairy tale, that it couldn't ever come true."
"Well, see," Nick said, fighting to keep the huskiness out of his voice, the tears out of his eyes. "Don't give up on fairy tales, huh? If that one can come true, anything can happen." It's all I ever wanted too, baby. Only you're the Handsome Prince, and me, I guess I'm just the Big Bad Wolf.
"What is it?" Cody asked gently, releasing Nick's hand and reaching for his shoulder. "You're upset. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked about Peggy -- "
"Nah, I'm fine," Nick lied with the ease of long practice, and slid his fingers back into Cody's hair. "Just tired, I guess. One beer over the line, maybe." Cody loved his hair stroked. He'd never said so out loud, but Nick knew, and took advantage of the fact. It was too intimate -- far too intimate -- for two guy friends, but then, that was how they were. You're everything to me. How is it you don't know that? He closed his eyes, softly carding his fingers through Cody's thick gold hair, leaning in as Cody rubbed his back lightly.
"I love you, too, you know," Cody murmured. "I mean, I know you know, but, uh -- I wanted to say it back."
Nick kept his eyes closed. If only you really did. "I know," he said softly, because he did. Cody cared, and that was everything. More than he deserved. "Thanks."
"Say it had worked with Paula." Cody hesitated then moved over.
Nick, cursing himself for fifteen kinds of fool, accepted the invitation. Two men in one bunk made for a cramped night, but the pleasure of Cody in his arms made up for any discomfort. It was, after all, the only way to fit. He lay down into sheets still warm from Cody's body, Cody's back a perfect fit against his chest, Cody's ass tucked neatly into the curve of his hip.
Nick slid his arms around Cody's chest and allowed his lips to brush the back of Cody's neck. It could have been an accident. "Say it had," he whispered. I wouldn't be holding you right now. I'd be outside her apartment with a sniper rifle.
"I wouldn't wanna leave you." Cody sounded troubled. "I mean, I wouldn't want to leave the agency, either, or Murray, but the one thing that would change, really change… it'd be you and me, right?"
"It'd have to," Nick confirmed softly. He kept his voice steady with a superhuman effort, but couldn't stop the tremor that went through him.
Cody tensed in his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Nick, I'm scared I'm gonna break us. I don't know what to do."
"We can't break, okay? We been through too much together. Just because you got a girl, maybe a wife, a baby on the way -- that's all you gotta worry about, okay? You don't have to worry about me, because I'll always be here for you, you know? C'mon, big guy, you gotta know that." Nick shifted a little, turning his head so his tears would fall on his own arm, not Cody's back. Hiding the evidence. I can break, Cody. Don't break me, buddy. Please.
"I know. Yeah, I know that." Cody made a sound between a sigh and a moan, and wriggled against Nick's chest.
Nick answered the unspoken request, curling himself more tightly around Cody, wrapping him even more securely in his arms. "Why're you thinking about this now, huh? It didn't happen, you know?"
"I know, but I wanted it to. Only then I started thinking about what that would have meant for you and me, and… I don't know if I coulda gone through with it. I don't know if I could give you up."
"You goin' all mushy on me?" Nick teased, swallowing tears. "C'mon, big guy."
"It's just that I need you," Cody said, almost under his breath. "So damn much. An' I don't think it matters how much I want some woman, I'll always need you most."
Nick knew the truth of that. It was his own truth as well. "Whatever you need," was all he said.
"I mean it. I'm good for it, babe."
That night, sleeping safe in Nick's arms, Cody didn't dream at all. The cycle was broken. But the next night, alone in his cold bunk, Nick did, over and over -- dreams that had haunted him since Vietnam. Cody lost, Cody missing, Cody calling him while he searched in vain. At last, gutshot on the ground, his strength gone, he watched Cody dragged away by a party of VC and knew it for the end. Somehow he got his weapon up, and did the only thing he could for his partner. The last thing.
Cody's scream echoed through the jungle, on and on, and Nick fell into it, giving up. There was, after all, nothing left for him. But instead of death, he found himself in Cody's arms, instead of rotten jungle, he found himself on a mattress.
And it wasn't Cody screaming, it was him.
*
"Tell me about it."
Fortified with coffee, and back in Cody's bunk, his partner's solid, live weight denying the dream's clutches, Nick was still unwilling to look directly at what he'd seen. "I don't remember it."
"If you don't tell me, it won't let go."
"As long as you don't let go." Nick shivered and took refuge in his coffee.
Cody shifted behind him, offering more chest for Nick to rest on. "Honestly, babe. You know it helps to talk about them."
"Charlie surprised us," Nick said flatly. "I was gutshot. I couldn't get up. They were dragging you off down the trail." He started to shake, and Cody took the coffee out of his hands.
"Okay," Cody murmured, setting the coffee down on the nightstand and enfolding Nick tight in his arms. "Okay, it's okay."
Nick nodded mutely, choking down tears that wanted to swamp him. It wasn't okay, it would never be okay, but for Cody, he'd fake it. "I shot you," he whispered.
Cody squeezed him tighter, resting his forehead against Nick's temple. "Thanks."
*
The next day, driving around L.A. interviewing character witnesses for a background check, should have been boring, easy. Instead, it took all Nick's concentration to stay in the present. The dream was still with him, lurking at the edge of consciousness, somehow more real than the smoggy, snarled streets and impatient traffic.
Certainly more real than the tired houses, the shabby offices, and their pale, ghostlike inhabitants. Cody and Murray were interviewing a balding guy outside a rundown stripmall, and Nick watched in fascination as he shimmered around the edges. There were VC hiding farther down the road, Nick could see the sun glinting on their weapons, and he only wished they were as insubstantial as the witness.
"You okay?" Cody took Nick's shoulder and Nick looked back sharply. The balding guy had disappeared, and Murray was heading for the Jimmy.
"Two o'clock," Nick breathed. "Quite a few of 'em, but I think -- "
"Nick." Cody shook him roughly. "Nick, we're in L.A."
Nick blinked at Cody, then turned to look along the road. Sun glinted on a row of parked cars. He swallowed hard. "Uh, sure. Yeah, I'm fine."
"We're going home." Cody started toward the Jimmy without releasing his hold on Nick's arm. "C'mon, big guy."
But home, it turned out, meant Paula sobbing in the salon. Nick slipped away as she flung herself at Cody, not in the mood for her lies. He distracted Murray with a question about computerized maps, quietly retrieved the 'Vette keys, and made himself scarce.
*
Mimi was the one thing he could always rely on. Not necessarily to fly -- the old ship was too contrary for that -- but to make him feel better. This time she'd condescended to start and wheezed her way into the air, every sound she made another dent in his pocketbook.
Pistons, gas lines, more oil, a new tail rotor assembly. Nick cataloged it in his head as he coaxed her around the harbor. They'd been working pretty hard, and Mimi's maintenance had suffered.
Nick allowed himself a smile. Mimi's maintenance was a fulltime job in itself.
He only took one circuit before he set her back down. As solid and reliable as she was, if the tail rotor went, they were screwed. Nick killed the controls, leaned back in his seat, and closed his eyes.
The dream had receded now, buffered by the blue sky and Mimi's comforting bulk. Flying was the best way Nick knew to find himself again when the past closed in, to anchor him in King Harbor's clear, sunny blue. Even on a gray day, there was no mistaking California skies for Vietnam.
"Nick! Nick!"
Nick opened his eyes as footsteps clattered on the ladder. A moment later, he found himself staring into Cody Allen's blue eyes, as wild and troubled as he'd ever seen them.
Nick sat forward in a hurry, fumbling with his harness. "What's up, man? Did something happen?"
Cody struggled to catch his breath. "I didn't know where you'd gone -- me and Murray tried to find you -- oh, God, Nick -- "
"Hey." Nick swung himself to the co-pilot's seat, giving Cody room to climb in. "Buddy, it's okay. C'mon, what is it?"
"Couldn't believe it when I saw Mimi overhead." Cody slid into the seat, breathing more easily. "Nick, you -- you're not yourself. You know that."
Nick reached out, laying a hand on Cody's arm. "I am now," he said softly. "C'mon, big guy, y'know I can fly no matter what."
"Maybe you can, but it doesn't mean you should."
Nick frowned. Cody was agitated well out of proportion to events, in his opinion. He rubbed Cody's arm gently. "It's the surest way I know to straighten my head out," he said, still speaking quietly. "You know that… don't you?"
Cody's breath caught. "No. I don't know. When you took off -- I didn't know where you'd gone -- I was so damn scared, Nick."
Nick reached out and took Cody's other hand, pulling his partner to face him. "What exactly did you think I was gonna do, babe?"
"I didn't know." Cody stared down at his lap. "If Joanna picked you up I figured we could square it, but then I thought, what if they locked you up? What if they put you in the hospital? What if they pulled that family-only crap and wouldn't let me see you? Nick -- "
Nick pulled Cody close, effectively silencing whatever he'd been about to say. "It's all right," he murmured against Cody's hair. "It's all right, I'm all right, we're both still here, okay? We're both still here."
Cody shuddered against Nick's chest, breath hitching, and Nick stroked his hair, letting Cody cry. Waiting until Cody was steadier, his breathing evening out, until Nick spoke, slow and careful.
"Understand one thing. Whatever's going on in my head, however flat-out crazy I maybe seem sometimes, I know myself well enough to stay out of that kind of trouble, you know? I don't go downtown when I'm on the edge."
"You did today," Cody said, muffled against Nick's shoulder.
"Because you were with me, you jerk. Didn't you think of that?"
Cody pulled back, looking into Nick's face. "No," he said slowly. "No. I thought it ambushed you…"
Nick shook his head. "I knew I was for it. I couldn't just walk away from a dream like that, you know?"
"You shouldn't've come. I didn't realize."
"We had work to do. It's okay." Nick squeezed Cody's shoulders. "I'm fine, okay? And now, after flying Mimi -- well, you an' me got a lot of work to do on the tail rotor, but me, I'm good as new."
Cody laughed softly and leaned into Nick. Nick waited for the bitching about the chopper in general and the tail rotor in particular, but instead Cody hugged him and said, "Good."
*
"What did Paula want, anyhow?" Nick asked idly. The remains of dinner had been cleared away, and he and Cody were nursing beers on the wheelhouse deck.
Cody looked out to sea. "To get back with me."
Nick followed his gaze. Sunset had been and gone, but there was still a rim of light on the horizon. "That's great," he said, struggling to insert enthusiasm into his voice.
Cody gave a short laugh. "Don't sound so excited, buddy."
"Hey, I'm happy for you! I -- "
"You're not, and you don't need to be. I turned her down."
Nick breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I'm still happy for you," he said, the enthusiasm coming of its own accord this time. "How come, pal? Didn't you think you two had a shot?"
"Yeah, but I'm not the greatest at picking girls. So when I figured out how much you really hated her… well, it made me think. An' then she got all snitty when I wanted to go after you instead of take her to bed, so the way I figured it, we wanted different things."
Nick opened his mouth, closed it, then tried again. "I don't hate her," he said, but it sounded lame even in his own ears. "I just - she's not good enough for you, pal. You know?"
"No." Cody sighed and leaned back against the cushioned bench. "Don't even know what good enough for me means, and don't figure I got enough options to worry about semantics. But she wanted me to put her ahead of you, and that's something I can't do. Not now, and maybe not ever."
Nick downed half his beer at a go. Give them up, all of them, and I'll make it worth your while, big guy. I'll fix it so you never miss 'em, so nothing and no-one ever hurts you again. "Twins," he said, forcing a chuckle. "That's what we need. Identical twins, one each, an' they're gonna be so happy their guys are best friends they won't get jealous."
Cody frowned. "Nick… joking aside, you find a girl, you like her, she likes you, then she's gotta know she's it for you. Don't you think?"
You're it for me. I know that. "Damn it, Cody." Nick rubbed his eyes. "Whaddaya want me to say here? You an' me… we learned to stick together a long time ago. I'm sorry it's screwing with your dates right now, I really am, but I don't know how to fix it for you, okay?"
"Yeah, well, maybe I do." Cody spoke quietly, putting his beer aside. "I been thinking a lot, Nick. About how close we are, how much time we spend together. I was never as close with anyone as I am with you, not even Janet back before the war. And I wanted to marry her. I guess… this whole dating thing, I'm doing it wrong."
Nick's chest tightened as Cody spoke, closing up, leaving no room for breathing. No room for his heart to beat. Here it was, here it came, the inevitable moment he had tried so hard to be ready for. The moment he had known with utter certainty would come one day.
"Don't," he forced out, standing up and knocking over his bottle. It rolled unheeded across the deck. "Don't say it, okay?" I'm going, Cody. In fact I'm already gone, it's okay, you don't gotta say it. Please don't say it.
"Nick…" Cody stood too but Nick pushed past, hurrying, getting away before Cody could try to stop him. Before Cody could say something Nick would never be able to forget.
"Take a couple of days," Nick said, pausing at the top of the wheelhouse steps. "Call Paula, have some fun. I'll catch you Tuesday, okay?"
"Nick!" Cody sounded panicked but Nick got moving anyhow, ignoring Cody's need for him for maybe the only time in his life. "Nick, don't go!"
Nick bounded down the stairs and off the boat, hearing Cody's steps behind him. It was an even thing -- to stay, to let Cody tell him, to comfort Cody even as his own heart broke -- but a stronger impulse, part self-preservation, part pragmatism, drove him on. Cody wants more space. Let him have it. Hope he enjoys it.
Self-pity and pain drove his feet down the pier, until he arrived, panting and shaken, at the helipad. He climbed into the cockpit and did his pre-flights, expecting at any moment Cody to climb aboard. Expecting his escape to be nothing of the kind.
But although he ran through every check twice, when the old bird finally clawed her way aloft, there was still no sign of Cody Allen on the pier.
*
It was Sunday lunchtime, and Nick had finished the tail rotor repair, flushed the gas lines, replaced the oil and was contemplating the pistons. There was something in his belly that might have been hunger, but he'd tried eating once since he'd left the Riptide Friday night, and the vomiting and stomach cramps had scared him off food ever since.
Right now, Cody was probably at the beach with Paula. Not thinking about Nick at all. Not tense, edgy and sleepless like Nick was, not sick to his gut with the heart-stopping terror of civilian life alone. Nick wiped his hands on a rag and slid to the ground, leaning against Mimi's wheel-casing, fighting dizziness.
Don't know if I can do this without you, man. Just don't know. Cody was gonna need his own cabin, that went without saying. But there were a few places on the beach, and maybe Nick could rent one of those, stay close. Still your partner. Still your best friend. Is that too much, babe? Nick knew in his heart it was -- had always known it, if he was honest. He needed Cody too much, and Cody gave him what he needed, willingly and completely. It was, after all, what had brought them to his point. "I'm sorry," he said out loud, staring up at the fierce California sun. "Wish I didn't need you so much. Wish I knew how to do this on my own."
"Don't you think I need you too?" Cody sank to the ground beside Nick. "What the hell makes you think I can do it alone, huh?"
Nick stared at his partner, drinking him in. In the worst of his self-pity, he'd wondered if he would ever see Cody again. Pale under his tan, looking like he'd lost several pounds, worry lines etched around his eyes -- Cody looked as short on sleep, and as close to the edge as Nick felt.
"You look like shit," Nick said quietly, and smiled.
An answering smile touched Cody's lips. "My partner runs out on me, that's what happens," he said wryly.
Nick sighed. He guessed, when it came down to it, that was what he'd done -- in self-preservation, it was true, but the reason hardly mattered. "How'd you find me?"
Cody shrugged. "You told me Mimi needed work. I tried Fort Ord and Point Mugu first. I think I knew you'd be up here, though. I just didn't wanna admit it."
Nick looked around him. Quartz Hill, the tiny airport up in the hills where he'd worked right after getting out of the army, held few happy memories for either him or Cody. But it was a safe bolthole for a broken man, and he'd headed Mimi there without conscience thought.
"Listen. I didn't - it just seemed to make sense to me, okay? I didn't mean to freak you out. Last thing I wanna do is drive you away." Cody stared at the ground, carefully winding two half-dead blades of grass together. "It's not -- I mean, what's important to me is you. Nothing has to change, all right? Just forget I ever said anything."
"Cody -- " Nick reached out and laid a hand on Cody's arm. "What are you saying, man?"
"I want you to come home." Cody twisted his grass tighter. "Please, Nick. You an' me, it's like you said, we learned how to stick together. I got no idea how to be anything on my own. I won't do anything -- say anything -- like what happened Friday, not ever again, if you'll just come home." Cody looked up at last, and the hurt in his eyes broke the parts of Nick that were still holding together.
"Of course I'm coming home. I told you when I left I'd see you Tuesday." Nick's brain was freewheeling with confusion, but the important thing, the only thing, was to wipe that look off Cody's face. Nothing was worth watching Cody hurt -- no principle, not even his own pain. "I'm sorry I ran out on you," he said, deliberately using Cody's words. "I knew what you were gonna say and I didn't wanna hear it."
"I know." Cody hung his head and shifted closer to Nick. "I'm sorry. I'm an idiot and I nearly screwed everything up."
Nick eased his arm around Cody, and Cody leaned in with a sigh of what sounded like relief. For a guy who wants space, he's sure as hell doing it wrong, Nick reflected, wondering what had changed. Guess he took it as hard as I did. "You can't screw us up, babe. Haven't I told you that before?"
"Yeah, but you never took off on me before. Figured I'd really screwed up. Started thinking maybe you didn't want to be my partner anymore, or my friend. Thought I'd really done it, Nick, thought I'd lost you forever."
"Hey. You got a right to ask for what you need, okay? And you're not gonna lose me, no matter what." Nick breathed deep. One of those places just down the pier. Pricey, maybe, but I gotta stay close. "I'm nothing worth a damn without you, Cody."
Cody shuddered against Nick. "You're worth everything," he said thickly. "An' don't you forget it."
Nick stared at the ground. You're everything. Wish I wasn't such a fucked up mess. Wish I could be half the friend you think I am. He cleared his throat. "Did you, uh, get back with Paula?"
Cody gave him a strange glance. "No. It's not that easy, okay?"
Nick sighed. Nothing about the whole fucked up thing was easy, Cody had that much right.
"Does that change things?" The uncertainty in Cody's voice nearly broke Nick's heart all over again.
"Whaddaya mean? Change what?" Nick squeezed Cody's shoulders reassuringly, trying to suppress a yawn. Whatever happened, they were back together. They'd find a way through. With the knowledge came a measure of relaxation, and with it, exhaustion and hunger.
"What we just talked about." Cody still sounded scared. "Are you still coming home?"
"Of course I'm coming home." Nick blinked back confusion. No Paula gave him a few nights at least to find digs, and a few more nights beside Cody. "I told you, didn't I?"
"Tuesday? You're still gonna make me wait?" Cody's voice caught. "Maybe I deserve that. I guess I do."
"Wait, what?" Nick was becoming more confused by the minute. "Quit beating yourself up over this whole thing. I overreacted, now you're overreacting, that's how I see it. As for home, we're both going there right now, and then I plan on sleeping for a week. That okay with you?"
Cody pulled back and stared at Nick, then nodded once. "More than okay," he said shortly, and stood up. "Subject closed?"
Nick took the hand Cody offered him and got to his feet. "Closed," he agreed.
*
The subject was closed, and so was Cody. It had been a week, and Nick had done everything he knew how to give the guy space -- fixing Mimi's pistons alone, working out at the gym, going jogging mornings and evenings. Even taking out a pretty tourist he'd met on the pier. Twice.
But Cody had only gotten quieter. There was no sign of Paula, and although Cody had taken to staying out late Nick was pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone. But what he was doing was shutting Nick out, almost to the point of actively avoiding him.
Dinner was pizza and Nick paid the delivery guy then brought the box to the table, listening with half an ear as Murray expounded the Roboz's latest upgrade between bites. Cody came to join them, hesitated, then took the rattan chair instead of sliding in beside Nick. Nick watched as he took a slice of pizza, inspected it, then laid it on his plate.
Something's wrong. I'm giving him space, but he's still hurting. "That's great, Murray. Cody, how was your day, man?"
"Huh?" Cody jumped, looking up at Nick with haunted eyes. "My day? Uh, I fixed a couple of reels. Booked in a charter for Saturday but they didn't want a harbor tour."
Nick waited, but there was no crack about Mimi or her pistons. Instead, Cody returned his eyes to his plate, then picked an olive off his pizza and popped it into his mouth.
"How about you, Nick? How come you're not out with Sarah? You kinda like her, don't you?" Murray waggled his eyebrows.
"She went back home to Utah yesterday." Nick shrugged. "I guess she was nice."
"That's a shame. It's been ages since you've had a date, Nick, and then you finally meet a nice girl, and she's from Utah! Don't you think that's a shame, Cody?"
Cody lifted his head, cheeks flaming. "I guess," he said, and stood up. "Listen, you guys, I don't feel so good. I just -- " He shook his head, pushed away from the table, and turned and ran up the wheelhouse steps."
Murray stared after him, mouth open. "Was it something I said?"
Nick shook his head slowly. "I dunno, Boz. I just don't know."
*
Whatever was eating Cody, he'd have to come home eventually. The keys to both the Jimmy and the Ebbtide were on their respective hooks, and anyway, when things got tough, it was always Nick who ran. Cody just withdrew into his shell -- exactly as he'd been doing all week.
Nick just wished he knew how things had gotten so tough, so fast, and what the hell he could do to fix it.
He retreated to their stateroom with the remains of the pizza and a six pack of beers -- one for now, and a couple each for him and Cody later. Because when Cody came home, Nick planned to hash the problem out, once and for all, and the way Cody was acting, it was liable to be thirsty work.
Nick flipped out the light and settled down in the dark to wait, running through the events of the last ten days in his head. He'd hightailed it to give Cody a clear run at the beach bunnies, but Cody, so far from being grateful, had been hurt and unsettled -- and not so much as looked at a single girl. Not even when Nick had bitten the bullet and set an example.
Nick frowned briefly, nursing his beer. I've given him space. I could move out, but the way he acted up at Quartz Hill, that ain't what he wants. Maybe Paula turned him down, or gave him some kind of ultimatum. That could fit. Nick took another drink, examining the idea from all sides. Usually Cody confided girl trouble, but if Paula's ultimatum involved Nick, it would explain his silence.
Nick narrowed his eyes and put his beer bottle on the nightstand, suddenly all too aware he hadn't let Cody finish whatever he'd been going to say. "What does she want from you, big guy? Whatever it is, I got an AK-47 says she ain't getting it. You don't have to worry about that."
Nick leaned back, quietly allowing himself to indulge in fantasy.
Nick squeezed his eyes shut, unsuccessfully fighting to keep errant tears beneath his lids where they belonged. You're everything I got, man. Everything. Whatever I gotta do, whatever you need from me, you got it.
As if on cue, the stateroom door clicked open and Cody slipped cautiously, silently, inside. Nick held his breath, waiting for Cody to move to his bunk, but instead, Cody opened the closet and pulled out his duffel. Nick waited another beat as Cody pulled out a stack of shirts and tossed them inside, then sat up and flicked on the light.
Cody whirled, startled, eyes wide. "Nick! I -- uh -- "
So much for Cody not running. Nick's heart twisted. "Where you going, big guy?" he asked, standing and moving so he was between Cody and the door. This reality was so far from his fantasy, so close to his worst nightmare, he hardly knew how to proceed. More tears welled in his eyes and he dashed them away angrily.
"Nick?" Cody sounded uncertain. "Are you crying?"
Nick leaned back against the door, the one thing he had control of in this situation. While he held his position, Cody couldn't slip away, maybe forever. Don't leave me. Please, Cody, anything but that. "Where are you going?" Nick repeated, softer.
"Hadn't really thought it out." Cody glanced at Nick, then away. "Didn't figure it mattered."
"It's the only thing that matters. Don't you know that?" Cody was hurting, breaking, and as much as Nick hated to see it, it gave him confidence. Whatever was going on, Cody wasn't leaving him from choice. Nick stepped forward, away from the door, and put a hand on Cody's shoulder. "Babe, whatever this is, whatever's going on, we gotta talk."
Cody gave the ghost of a smile, and allowed Nick to sit him down on his bunk. He raised his eyebrows when Nick handed him a slice of cold pizza and a beer. "What's this?"
"Dinner." Nick picked up his own beer. "Figured you'd be hungry."
Cody looked around the stateroom at the six-pack resting on the floor between the bunks, and the pizza box reposing on the end of Nick's bed. "I don't get it," he said, turning wary eyes to Nick's face. "You avoid me all week and now you pack me a picnic and wanna talk?"
Nick took a healthy slug of beer, and picked the easy part. "Yeah, I wanna talk." He dropped to his own bunk, sitting opposite Cody, and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "So I been thinking, and this is all Paula, am I right? She's given you some kind of ultimatum, screwed with your head, I don't even know."
Cody stared at him uncomprehendingly and put down his pizza. "Paula doesn't have one damn thing to do with anything," he said carefully. "I know you hate her, but she's not the reason I feel like I do. I'm sorry, Nick, I really am, but this thing's on me. If you got to hate someone for it, blame someone -- it's me, okay? It's all me."
Nick shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense, man."
"I know. I know it doesn't, and you gotta understand, Nick, I didn't plan to feel this way. If I could make it go away I would." Cody sighed and took a long drink. "I just want us back, d'you understand? I wanna reach out and know you're there. This week -- the way you been running from me -- I get it, but Nick, it's ripping me apart."
"Whoa." Nick shook his head and put his beer down. "You're still not making any sense. I been trying all week to give you space, and you got no idea how hard that is. Every morning I start to make you coffee, wonder what we're gonna do today, then I remember I don't get to do that anymore."
"Space?" Cody's mouth twisted beneath his mustache into something that might have been a smile. "Nice try, Nick, but you're not gonna fix me that way."
"Then tell me what I gotta do." Nick rubbed both hands over his face. "Anything, whatever you need."
"Not true," Cody said wryly, putting his beer down beside Nick's. "A week ago you wouldn't even let me say the words out loud."
Nick sat up. "So sue me if I didn't wanna hear my best buddy tell me I was cramping his style, and could I make like a crab and scuttle." He looked straight at Cody, half challenging, half apprehensive. "I been trying, man. Giving you space, doing my own thing, tryin' not to get in the way."
"Trying not to get in the way?" Cody leaned forward, his eyes alight. "Nick! Nick, what are you saying?"
"What?" Nick stared at this new, animated Cody.
"Nick, that night… the night you wouldn't let me talk." Urgently, Cody grabbed his arms. "You thought I was gonna tell you -- what? That I couldn't get a girl because of you?"
"That girls kept dumping you because of me, yeah. Maybe that you wanted me to move out." Nick breathed deep. "You needed more space. Makes sense."
"Get one thing straight." Cody shook him gently. "When it comes to you and me, space is the last thing I want. Okay?"
"Okay," Nick agreed slowly, and sat back. He picked up both beer bottles and handed Cody his, then smiled as Cody retrieved his pizza and despatched the slice in three large bites. Nick was still confused, but Cody at least was clearly feeling better.
Cody smacked his lips, took a second slice of pie and glanced at the six-pack. "Want another beer?"
"I dunno. Think I got a headache." Nick rubbed his eyes again then grinned as Cody passed him a fresh one anyhow. "You want me drunk as well as confused?"
"On two beers? I don't think so." Cody grinned back and it was all Nick could do not to cry again. All Cody's joy, all his magic was back full-force, and Nick's heart filled to overflowing.
"I'm sorry, babe," he said quietly. "I been hurting you all week, and I didn't even realize."
Cody finished his pizza and followed it with a healthy swallow of beer. "You've been hurting all week too. An' the worst thing is I knew it all along, I just thought -- well, never mind what I thought. At least we got it straightened out now, buddy."
"Yeah," Nick agreed, watching as Cody took a second slice of pizza. Do we? Nick took a long drink of his beer then put the bottle down. Cody was still eating pizza, the wary tension gone from his face. "I think it's time you told me whatever it was you were gonna say last Friday, man."
Cody finished his pie and looked up. "Nope," he said cheerfully, picking up a napkin and wiping his hands. "Just forget all about it, huh? Wasn't important anyhow."
"Ten days of ripping my guts out says you're talking bull, big guy."
Cody looked down. "Not really," he said in a low voice. "It was just something I thought I wanted."
"So tell me, pal. You know you can tell me anything."
"This is what I'm gonna tell you." Cody looked up again. "Nothing's worth risking what you and I have, Nick. When I came in tonight, I thought we were over. I thought you hated me. I -- "
"Cody!" Nick shifted from his own bunk to Cody's side and grabbed his partner by the shoulders. "Nothing can make me hate you, don't you know that? Don't you?" Nick shook Cody gently, and Cody collapsed forward, burying his head against Nick's neck. Cody was trembling as Nick gathered him close, and Nick could feel his chest heaving.
"Don't cry," Nick whispered against Cody's ear, ignoring his own advice. He kissed Cody's hair softly, tasting the salt of his own tears on the golden strands. "C'mon, babe, you can count on me, you know that."
"Thought you'd never hold me again," Cody choked out. "Thought I was alone."
Nick held Cody closer, understanding only too well. He'd felt the same way, the nights he'd spent up at Quartz Hill. "Next time you got something to tell me, go ahead and deck me if I won't listen, huh? Woulda saved a whole lot of trouble this time, you know?"
"I dunno," Cody muttered. "Maybe you did us both a favor." He pulled back, rubbed both hands over his face and picked up his beer from the nightstand.
Nick leaned against the wall, contemplating his best friend. Cody glanced at Nick and looked away, and Nick moved forward impulsively and took the beer out of Cody's hand.
"Hey," Cody protested half-heartedly as Nick took a swig, then put the bottle down beside his own.
"We're not done talking yet," Nick said quietly. "You're still jumpy as hell, and I'm still confused. There's something in this room stinks like an elephant, you know? An' it's past time you told me its name and showed me its party tricks."
"Elephants with party tricks are more in Murray's line," Cody hedged, moving back against the pillows.
"Those were dolphins, not elephants." Nick looked Cody in the eye. "Stop with the wildlife, big guy, and spill it."
"It wasn't me started talking about wildlife! Nick, we agreed to close this subject and -- "
"That was before I knew what the subject was. In fact, I still don't." Nick reached down and snagged both beers, sipped one and passed the other to Cody. "Here. So I narrowed it down some. It's not about Paula. But it is about dating. You're doing it wrong, ain't that what you said? An' it's all because of how close you are with me. Am I right so far?"
Cody flushed and picked strenuously at the label on his bottle. "I might've said something like that. Can't remember. Nick, can we just drop it? I mean, I'm not dating anyone right now, so it doesn't matter how I'm doing it, right?"
"Except that it's making you unhappy," Nick said, shaking his head. "And it's got something to do with me. With us." Nick took a deep breath, staring at Cody, waiting for his partner to look up.
As the silence lengthened, Cody's fingers slowed on the bottle. At last he raised his head, eyes seeking Nick's.
Nick kept staring. Cody looked somehow small, folded back against his pillow, broad shoulders tucked in and narrowed; the way he looked only when he was vulnerable and ashamed. Only when he thought he'd let Nick down.
"You don't want me to move out," Nick tried again, looking away to let Cody off the hook. "You don't want space. So what is it you need, pal? A puppy? A kitten? Hell, you want us to adopt a kid? Just say the word."
Cody gave a strangled sob and swung his legs off the bed. Nick tensed but Cody didn't make a break for it, just perched on the edge, breathing raggedly, looking at the floor.
Nick moved closer and tentatively rubbed Cody's shoulders. "Sorry, babe. C'mon, what is it? Truth, now. Have I left the wheelhouse door open one time too many? Used all the duct tape so you can't borrow it when you need it?"
Cody laughed at that, raised his head and drew in a long breath. "Anyone ever tell you you're a pain in the ass?"
Nick grinned. "Mama Jo says that at least once a month, but she says the same about you so maybe it doesn't count, huh?" He rubbed Cody's shoulders again. "C'mon. Talk."
"When you think about the future, what do you see?"
Nick blinked. It was the last thing he'd expected. "Well, uh. We'll be detectives as long as we can, I guess. Until my neck or your knee or both takes us out, y'know? And, uh…" Girls. Isn't that the whole point of this thing? "You an' your wife live aboard. Me and Boz… I dunno, I got someplace by an airfield, I guess, so's to be nice and handy, and Murray's maybe got a girl and a place of his own -- "
Nick broke off as Cody gripped his arm. "No. Not the fairy tale you think I want to hear, Nick. When you think about the future, what do you dream of, buddy? Who's gonna share it with you?"
Wife, Nick thought. Kids, cat, dog, hamster. That's what he needs to hear. He opened his mouth on the lie, but Cody turned to look at him, and it stuck in his throat. "You," he said helplessly, pinned by Cody's bright blue eyes. "God help me, Cody, you."
Cody's expression, his face, his whole body softened and gave, turning into Nick, arms sliding around Nick's chest. Nick dropped weakly against his partner, leaning in. "Sorry," he said breathlessly. "Sorry. I just want -- I can't -- "
"I want you too," Cody said, holding him tightly. "I can't give you up, not for some girl, not for a fictional family, not for anything. That's what I was trying to tell you, Nick. I don't want a girl, a wife, none of that. All I want, all I need, is you."
Nick's brain went into freefall. Mine. Mine. "But -- uh -- " He pulled back, seeking out Cody's eyes, giddy with terror and elation. Cody wanted him, wanted them to stay together. Nick woud take that on any terms. But his heart was jumping to its own conclusions, and Cody had specifically told him to lay off the fairy tales. You're my happy ever after, baby. Prince Charming and the Marquis of Carabas and the fucking Genie all rolled into one. Do I get my other two wishes now?
"Nick?" Cody, pale to the lips, let go, drawing his hands back against his body. "Nick, say something. Are we -- are we okay?"
"Yeah," Nick said hoarsely, forcing air past the lump in his throat. "Yeah, we're great." He swallowed a couple of times, trying to get his body back in gear, reconnect the brain pathways Cody's words had blown away. But his brain was only interested in one thing, and that was Cody. Wanting him. "What d'you mean, baby? You said you want me but I need -- I need to know what you mean."
Cody flushed to the roots of his hair, and for the first time, Nick dared to believe that his heart had gotten it right. "No girls," Cody whispered. "Just - just you and me -- "
Confidence growing, Nick moved closer and laid his hand against Cody's cheek. "Maybe you mean something like this," he murmured, resting their foreheads together. He felt Cody's breath catch and quicken, and smiled. "Or this." He leaned in closer and gently, softly, kissed Cody's lips.
Cody made a sound between a whimper and a moan as Nick broke the kiss, so Nick went back in for another. Cody's mouth was yielding, pliant, welcoming Nick in, and this time Nick pulled back at last because he'd run out of air. "Am I getting warm?" he gasped, catching his breath.
"If you were any hotter we'd both be on fire," Cody growled, reaching to undo Nick's shirt. "Is this okay? You're not freaking out?"
Nick's heart started something that might have been a tango, and this time, Nick let it. "If you'd known how long I been wanting to kiss you like that, you wouldn't have to ask."
Cody paused at that, staring. "You wanted me anyhow? Why didn't you say something?"
"Like I was gonna ask you to give up your dream of a beautiful wife for a worn out GI with a tricky neck and a beat-up chopper. Get serious, Cody."
"I'm serious, all right," Cody murmured. "And it sounds like we got a lot of lost time to make up for. You ready to get started? Or you need a little time to get used to the idea?"
"I've had all the time I can handle." Nick pulled Cody's shirt off, suddenly in a hurry. "Come here, baby, before this all turns out to be a dream."
"No dream, Nick. Right here, right now… this is the real thing."
*
Nick, back pressed hard against the wall in Cody's bunk, with Cody himself sprawled face down across the mattress and Nick's body indiscriminately, was very tired indeed. But sleep was the last thing on his mind.
For once, being completely honest with Cody had paid off. In a big way. He'd said one word, and been rewarded with Cody Allen, heart, body and soul. Of course, Cody's soul had been his forever, but the other two -- they were more than the icing and the cherry, to Nick's way of thinking. More like a full buffet.
Loving Cody had been everything he'd dreamed of and more. Even this first time, accompanied with the clumsy fumbling of two guys figuring how to touch each other, an urgent handjob had taken Nick higher than he figured he had any right to go. By Cody's moans, and the way he'd clung to Nick when he'd come, Cody had felt the same.
And now, lying here with Cody, the feel of Cody's thigh against Nick's spent groin was a whole new kind of magic. That, and the musk of male sex heavy in the cabin, plus the warm, lax weight of sated Cody -- it was all so perfect Nick had no intention of dozing off and missing a single instant of this, the first afterglow he'd shared with his partner.
Not to mention the fact that wakefulness gave him the luxury of replaying some of his favorite moments. Although, when Nick thought about it, his favorite moments definitely outnumbered the other kind by about five to one.
"Why you still awake?" Cody murmured drowsily, curling closer and rubbing his head against Nick's shoulder.
Nick slid his hand down Cody's back, stroked his ass, dipped gently between the backs of his thighs. Cody purred, and Nick added another favorite moment to his list. "Holding you. Enjoying this. Hoping you don't ever change your mind."
"Not gonna happen." Cody lifted his head and took a kiss. "I'm always gonna love you most, need you most. Ain't nothing I can do about that."
"Yeah," Nick whispered, and kissed him back. "I love you too."
"Go to sleep, babe," Cody said. "Cos when we wake up I got plans for you. And I don't want you falling asleep in the middle, you know?"
Spent though he was, Nick's cock twitched at the thought. "I won't fall asleep on you. You can take that to the bank."
Cody rubbed his head against Nick's shoulder again and, murmuring in contentment as Nick shifted underneath him, claiming more mattress for himself. Cody settled across Nick's body, lying more on Nick than the bunk, one long leg thrown across Nick's thighs.
Nick rested one arm across Cody's back and let the other hand rest on the swell of Cody's thigh, fingers close to the sweet dark cleft of buttock. He kissed Cody's hair, then closed his eyes.
Rating: R
Summary: Nick doesn't always tell Cody truth. Or at least not the whole truth. But maybe he should...
Honesty and harmony -- two words with nothing to do with one another, in Nick's opinion. Even mild honesty, like the duct tape saga, went South hard and fast. If one thing was certain, it was that Nick considered too much honesty an unnecessary risk in his friendship with Cody Allen -- something he freely owned as the most important relationship in his life.
"What do you think about Paula, Nick? Isn't she great, huh?"
Nick's hand slipped and he watched with chagrin as his bowling ball spun weakly right and into the gutter. "Damn it, man, if that'd been a strike I woulda had you."
Cody grinned happily, then went back to looking expectant. Nick smiled.Two bit whore with fat legs and her fingers in your wallet. Slutty little bitch with an eye for the main chance. "Paula? She sure is great. Do you think your mom's gonna take to her?"
Cody's happy grin faded. "I'm not so sure," he said slowly. "Maybe I better cool it with her til after mom visits."
"Whatever you think, guy."
That was one crisis averted. Paula, hanging out for a guy to move in with, or at least pick up her tab, moved on before Mrs. Allen flew out. Last Nick heard, she'd been trying her luck down at the yacht club.
Cody moped, but his mom's visits always left him down so Nick was pleased, in a way, he had something to take his mind off the last week.
"Your mom just wants you to be happy, big guy. You know what moms are like."
"I'll never be a lawyer, Nick. And if I was, I wouldn't be happy. Why can't she see that?"
Because she's selfish, guy. She wants to brag about you down at the Country Club. She's way more interested in you making her happy. "Want a beer?"
Cody had a beer, and another, and three nights of nightmares he wouldn't share with Nick -- the worst kind, in Nick's opinion, and when it came to Cody, Nick was usually right. But on night number four, Cody saw Paula with her new sugar daddy and switched from inadequate son to dumped boyfriend, something Nick found a great deal easier to deal with.
"There's plenty more girls out there, man. They'll arrive in the hundreds next month, and all you gotta do is pick your favorite color bikini, you know?"
"I know." Cody sighed. "I just… I thought it was going somewhere, pal. I really did."
Forget those fickle bitches and stay on the boat with me. Nick sighed and patted Cody on the shoulder. For a minute there, when Murray had ordered him to say something honest to Cody, he nearly had -- so tired of the lies and half-truths. So tired of hiding. Cody, you're right about those girls. I am jealous, but not because I want them for myself. It's you, you moron. You I want. He'd wondered, since then, if it had been a half-hearted challenge on Murray's part -- an opening for him to do just that. An opening he'd ignored, partly from cowardice, and partly out of habit.
Probably it was for the best. The duct tape line had gotten him deep enough in the shit -- not that Cody would have truly thrown him out, and not that Nick would have gone anyway (or not for more than a night, just to keep Cody on his toes) -- let alone if he'd dropped his guard and started talking about something that actually mattered.
"What d'you think, Nick? Am I ever gonna find the right girl?"
"Sure, buddy." Not if I can help it. Nick frowned briefly. Would he really sacrifice Cody's happiness, deliberately break up a relationship, just to keep Cody for himself? The answer came to him in a heartbeat. Not if she's worth it, babe. If she really makes you happy, if she really cares, I got your back. "You know?"
"I don't, though." Cody sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. "There's supposed to be a soulmate for everyone, right? But what if I never meet her? What if I'm the guy who missed out, and there's no-one out there -- no-one who really, honestly loves me for me?"
Nick stared. "I love you," he said carefully. You're loved, babe. Never doubt it. Maybe I'm the guy who missed out, here.
Cody looked up and smiled. "Thanks, buddy," he said, and finished his beer. But when he put the bottle down, he went below without looking back.
Nick turned his gaze to the night sky. He knew it well from years of cargo flights, over hours and underslept, slogging home instead of bedding down in the chopper. Home to Cody. Cody who'd be waiting, sleepless and jumpy, nervous after his day of lifeguarding or polishing surfboards. Nervous after his day without Nick.
"But it's still not enough," Nick said out loud, and opened another beer. There was nothing for it but silence. Even if he told the truth, even if by some miracle Cody felt a spark in response, it wasn't what Nick felt. I wouldn't mind, he thought, traitorously. I wouldn't mind being the consolation prize, if only he was mine.
Nick sighed and rested the cool beer bottle against his forehead. It wasn't true, of course. Cody deserved to love with all his heart, with all his strength, and Nick knew without needing to test the theory that a lukewarm Cody would be worse than no Cody at all.
*
"Did you love Peggy?"
Nick paused in the act of climbing into his bunk, and plopped down on the edge instead. He'd known Cody was faking sleep -- after a decade of bunking with the guy, Nick knew every nuance of his breathing -- but he'd figured Cody was done talking for the night.
"I guess." I sure tried, pal. It didn't get me far, but hey, she was mad as a snake anyhow, so who's counting? "Why?"
"D'you think… was she your soulmate?"
"I don't know much about this soulmate stuff, man." Nick moved from the edge of his own bunk to Cody's, staring down through the dark at the gleam of Cody's eyes. Gently, he pushed the hair off Cody's forehead, stroked his temple, softly traced his jaw. At last, Nick's hand came to rest on Cody's shoulder, fingers lightly stroking just above the collarbone. The intimacy of the gesture was something reserved for times such as this -- in the aftermath of nightmares, on the days when PTSD lurked close to the surface. When Cody needed him.
Cody turned into the touch. "I guess you were more serious about her than I've seen you with a chick before. Only then she turned out kind of crazy and -- well, I wondered, that's all. If maybe when she's better you two might hook up again."
On a cold day in hell, my friend. Nick sighed and squeezed Cody's shoulder. "I think it's safe to say if I got a soulmate, it's not Peggy." Nick sat back, letting go, then found Cody's hand and gripped hard. "I'm not exactly looking to get tied down, you know? The wife, the kids, the picket fence… " Nick blew out his cheeks and shook his head. "I just don't think it's me, babe."
"I want that, I think."
Nick's eyes were adjusting to the dark, and he could see the troubled look on Cody's face. "I know you do, pal. And you're gonna find it, you know?" You gotta rub my nose in it, doncha, big guy? Nick found a smile and made it fit, kicked his heart in the ass and made it double-time. "She's gonna be beautiful, and sweet. She won't try and change you. She's gonna give you everything you ever wanted, you know?"
"That sounds like a fairy tale, and I gave up on them in kindergarten." Cody sighed and squeezed Nick's hand. "You know, over there I used to dream of you and me living on a boat in California. That was all I ever wanted. And I thought it was a fairy tale, that it couldn't ever come true."
"Well, see," Nick said, fighting to keep the huskiness out of his voice, the tears out of his eyes. "Don't give up on fairy tales, huh? If that one can come true, anything can happen." It's all I ever wanted too, baby. Only you're the Handsome Prince, and me, I guess I'm just the Big Bad Wolf.
"What is it?" Cody asked gently, releasing Nick's hand and reaching for his shoulder. "You're upset. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked about Peggy -- "
"Nah, I'm fine," Nick lied with the ease of long practice, and slid his fingers back into Cody's hair. "Just tired, I guess. One beer over the line, maybe." Cody loved his hair stroked. He'd never said so out loud, but Nick knew, and took advantage of the fact. It was too intimate -- far too intimate -- for two guy friends, but then, that was how they were. You're everything to me. How is it you don't know that? He closed his eyes, softly carding his fingers through Cody's thick gold hair, leaning in as Cody rubbed his back lightly.
"I love you, too, you know," Cody murmured. "I mean, I know you know, but, uh -- I wanted to say it back."
Nick kept his eyes closed. If only you really did. "I know," he said softly, because he did. Cody cared, and that was everything. More than he deserved. "Thanks."
"Say it had worked with Paula." Cody hesitated then moved over.
Nick, cursing himself for fifteen kinds of fool, accepted the invitation. Two men in one bunk made for a cramped night, but the pleasure of Cody in his arms made up for any discomfort. It was, after all, the only way to fit. He lay down into sheets still warm from Cody's body, Cody's back a perfect fit against his chest, Cody's ass tucked neatly into the curve of his hip.
Nick slid his arms around Cody's chest and allowed his lips to brush the back of Cody's neck. It could have been an accident. "Say it had," he whispered. I wouldn't be holding you right now. I'd be outside her apartment with a sniper rifle.
"I wouldn't wanna leave you." Cody sounded troubled. "I mean, I wouldn't want to leave the agency, either, or Murray, but the one thing that would change, really change… it'd be you and me, right?"
"It'd have to," Nick confirmed softly. He kept his voice steady with a superhuman effort, but couldn't stop the tremor that went through him.
Cody tensed in his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "Nick, I'm scared I'm gonna break us. I don't know what to do."
"We can't break, okay? We been through too much together. Just because you got a girl, maybe a wife, a baby on the way -- that's all you gotta worry about, okay? You don't have to worry about me, because I'll always be here for you, you know? C'mon, big guy, you gotta know that." Nick shifted a little, turning his head so his tears would fall on his own arm, not Cody's back. Hiding the evidence. I can break, Cody. Don't break me, buddy. Please.
"I know. Yeah, I know that." Cody made a sound between a sigh and a moan, and wriggled against Nick's chest.
Nick answered the unspoken request, curling himself more tightly around Cody, wrapping him even more securely in his arms. "Why're you thinking about this now, huh? It didn't happen, you know?"
"I know, but I wanted it to. Only then I started thinking about what that would have meant for you and me, and… I don't know if I coulda gone through with it. I don't know if I could give you up."
"You goin' all mushy on me?" Nick teased, swallowing tears. "C'mon, big guy."
"It's just that I need you," Cody said, almost under his breath. "So damn much. An' I don't think it matters how much I want some woman, I'll always need you most."
Nick knew the truth of that. It was his own truth as well. "Whatever you need," was all he said.
"I mean it. I'm good for it, babe."
That night, sleeping safe in Nick's arms, Cody didn't dream at all. The cycle was broken. But the next night, alone in his cold bunk, Nick did, over and over -- dreams that had haunted him since Vietnam. Cody lost, Cody missing, Cody calling him while he searched in vain. At last, gutshot on the ground, his strength gone, he watched Cody dragged away by a party of VC and knew it for the end. Somehow he got his weapon up, and did the only thing he could for his partner. The last thing.
Cody's scream echoed through the jungle, on and on, and Nick fell into it, giving up. There was, after all, nothing left for him. But instead of death, he found himself in Cody's arms, instead of rotten jungle, he found himself on a mattress.
And it wasn't Cody screaming, it was him.
*
"Tell me about it."
Fortified with coffee, and back in Cody's bunk, his partner's solid, live weight denying the dream's clutches, Nick was still unwilling to look directly at what he'd seen. "I don't remember it."
"If you don't tell me, it won't let go."
"As long as you don't let go." Nick shivered and took refuge in his coffee.
Cody shifted behind him, offering more chest for Nick to rest on. "Honestly, babe. You know it helps to talk about them."
"Charlie surprised us," Nick said flatly. "I was gutshot. I couldn't get up. They were dragging you off down the trail." He started to shake, and Cody took the coffee out of his hands.
"Okay," Cody murmured, setting the coffee down on the nightstand and enfolding Nick tight in his arms. "Okay, it's okay."
Nick nodded mutely, choking down tears that wanted to swamp him. It wasn't okay, it would never be okay, but for Cody, he'd fake it. "I shot you," he whispered.
Cody squeezed him tighter, resting his forehead against Nick's temple. "Thanks."
*
The next day, driving around L.A. interviewing character witnesses for a background check, should have been boring, easy. Instead, it took all Nick's concentration to stay in the present. The dream was still with him, lurking at the edge of consciousness, somehow more real than the smoggy, snarled streets and impatient traffic.
Certainly more real than the tired houses, the shabby offices, and their pale, ghostlike inhabitants. Cody and Murray were interviewing a balding guy outside a rundown stripmall, and Nick watched in fascination as he shimmered around the edges. There were VC hiding farther down the road, Nick could see the sun glinting on their weapons, and he only wished they were as insubstantial as the witness.
"You okay?" Cody took Nick's shoulder and Nick looked back sharply. The balding guy had disappeared, and Murray was heading for the Jimmy.
"Two o'clock," Nick breathed. "Quite a few of 'em, but I think -- "
"Nick." Cody shook him roughly. "Nick, we're in L.A."
Nick blinked at Cody, then turned to look along the road. Sun glinted on a row of parked cars. He swallowed hard. "Uh, sure. Yeah, I'm fine."
"We're going home." Cody started toward the Jimmy without releasing his hold on Nick's arm. "C'mon, big guy."
But home, it turned out, meant Paula sobbing in the salon. Nick slipped away as she flung herself at Cody, not in the mood for her lies. He distracted Murray with a question about computerized maps, quietly retrieved the 'Vette keys, and made himself scarce.
*
Mimi was the one thing he could always rely on. Not necessarily to fly -- the old ship was too contrary for that -- but to make him feel better. This time she'd condescended to start and wheezed her way into the air, every sound she made another dent in his pocketbook.
Pistons, gas lines, more oil, a new tail rotor assembly. Nick cataloged it in his head as he coaxed her around the harbor. They'd been working pretty hard, and Mimi's maintenance had suffered.
Nick allowed himself a smile. Mimi's maintenance was a fulltime job in itself.
He only took one circuit before he set her back down. As solid and reliable as she was, if the tail rotor went, they were screwed. Nick killed the controls, leaned back in his seat, and closed his eyes.
The dream had receded now, buffered by the blue sky and Mimi's comforting bulk. Flying was the best way Nick knew to find himself again when the past closed in, to anchor him in King Harbor's clear, sunny blue. Even on a gray day, there was no mistaking California skies for Vietnam.
"Nick! Nick!"
Nick opened his eyes as footsteps clattered on the ladder. A moment later, he found himself staring into Cody Allen's blue eyes, as wild and troubled as he'd ever seen them.
Nick sat forward in a hurry, fumbling with his harness. "What's up, man? Did something happen?"
Cody struggled to catch his breath. "I didn't know where you'd gone -- me and Murray tried to find you -- oh, God, Nick -- "
"Hey." Nick swung himself to the co-pilot's seat, giving Cody room to climb in. "Buddy, it's okay. C'mon, what is it?"
"Couldn't believe it when I saw Mimi overhead." Cody slid into the seat, breathing more easily. "Nick, you -- you're not yourself. You know that."
Nick reached out, laying a hand on Cody's arm. "I am now," he said softly. "C'mon, big guy, y'know I can fly no matter what."
"Maybe you can, but it doesn't mean you should."
Nick frowned. Cody was agitated well out of proportion to events, in his opinion. He rubbed Cody's arm gently. "It's the surest way I know to straighten my head out," he said, still speaking quietly. "You know that… don't you?"
Cody's breath caught. "No. I don't know. When you took off -- I didn't know where you'd gone -- I was so damn scared, Nick."
Nick reached out and took Cody's other hand, pulling his partner to face him. "What exactly did you think I was gonna do, babe?"
"I didn't know." Cody stared down at his lap. "If Joanna picked you up I figured we could square it, but then I thought, what if they locked you up? What if they put you in the hospital? What if they pulled that family-only crap and wouldn't let me see you? Nick -- "
Nick pulled Cody close, effectively silencing whatever he'd been about to say. "It's all right," he murmured against Cody's hair. "It's all right, I'm all right, we're both still here, okay? We're both still here."
Cody shuddered against Nick's chest, breath hitching, and Nick stroked his hair, letting Cody cry. Waiting until Cody was steadier, his breathing evening out, until Nick spoke, slow and careful.
"Understand one thing. Whatever's going on in my head, however flat-out crazy I maybe seem sometimes, I know myself well enough to stay out of that kind of trouble, you know? I don't go downtown when I'm on the edge."
"You did today," Cody said, muffled against Nick's shoulder.
"Because you were with me, you jerk. Didn't you think of that?"
Cody pulled back, looking into Nick's face. "No," he said slowly. "No. I thought it ambushed you…"
Nick shook his head. "I knew I was for it. I couldn't just walk away from a dream like that, you know?"
"You shouldn't've come. I didn't realize."
"We had work to do. It's okay." Nick squeezed Cody's shoulders. "I'm fine, okay? And now, after flying Mimi -- well, you an' me got a lot of work to do on the tail rotor, but me, I'm good as new."
Cody laughed softly and leaned into Nick. Nick waited for the bitching about the chopper in general and the tail rotor in particular, but instead Cody hugged him and said, "Good."
*
"What did Paula want, anyhow?" Nick asked idly. The remains of dinner had been cleared away, and he and Cody were nursing beers on the wheelhouse deck.
Cody looked out to sea. "To get back with me."
Nick followed his gaze. Sunset had been and gone, but there was still a rim of light on the horizon. "That's great," he said, struggling to insert enthusiasm into his voice.
Cody gave a short laugh. "Don't sound so excited, buddy."
"Hey, I'm happy for you! I -- "
"You're not, and you don't need to be. I turned her down."
Nick breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I'm still happy for you," he said, the enthusiasm coming of its own accord this time. "How come, pal? Didn't you think you two had a shot?"
"Yeah, but I'm not the greatest at picking girls. So when I figured out how much you really hated her… well, it made me think. An' then she got all snitty when I wanted to go after you instead of take her to bed, so the way I figured it, we wanted different things."
Nick opened his mouth, closed it, then tried again. "I don't hate her," he said, but it sounded lame even in his own ears. "I just - she's not good enough for you, pal. You know?"
"No." Cody sighed and leaned back against the cushioned bench. "Don't even know what good enough for me means, and don't figure I got enough options to worry about semantics. But she wanted me to put her ahead of you, and that's something I can't do. Not now, and maybe not ever."
Nick downed half his beer at a go. Give them up, all of them, and I'll make it worth your while, big guy. I'll fix it so you never miss 'em, so nothing and no-one ever hurts you again. "Twins," he said, forcing a chuckle. "That's what we need. Identical twins, one each, an' they're gonna be so happy their guys are best friends they won't get jealous."
Cody frowned. "Nick… joking aside, you find a girl, you like her, she likes you, then she's gotta know she's it for you. Don't you think?"
You're it for me. I know that. "Damn it, Cody." Nick rubbed his eyes. "Whaddaya want me to say here? You an' me… we learned to stick together a long time ago. I'm sorry it's screwing with your dates right now, I really am, but I don't know how to fix it for you, okay?"
"Yeah, well, maybe I do." Cody spoke quietly, putting his beer aside. "I been thinking a lot, Nick. About how close we are, how much time we spend together. I was never as close with anyone as I am with you, not even Janet back before the war. And I wanted to marry her. I guess… this whole dating thing, I'm doing it wrong."
Nick's chest tightened as Cody spoke, closing up, leaving no room for breathing. No room for his heart to beat. Here it was, here it came, the inevitable moment he had tried so hard to be ready for. The moment he had known with utter certainty would come one day.
"Don't," he forced out, standing up and knocking over his bottle. It rolled unheeded across the deck. "Don't say it, okay?" I'm going, Cody. In fact I'm already gone, it's okay, you don't gotta say it. Please don't say it.
"Nick…" Cody stood too but Nick pushed past, hurrying, getting away before Cody could try to stop him. Before Cody could say something Nick would never be able to forget.
"Take a couple of days," Nick said, pausing at the top of the wheelhouse steps. "Call Paula, have some fun. I'll catch you Tuesday, okay?"
"Nick!" Cody sounded panicked but Nick got moving anyhow, ignoring Cody's need for him for maybe the only time in his life. "Nick, don't go!"
Nick bounded down the stairs and off the boat, hearing Cody's steps behind him. It was an even thing -- to stay, to let Cody tell him, to comfort Cody even as his own heart broke -- but a stronger impulse, part self-preservation, part pragmatism, drove him on. Cody wants more space. Let him have it. Hope he enjoys it.
Self-pity and pain drove his feet down the pier, until he arrived, panting and shaken, at the helipad. He climbed into the cockpit and did his pre-flights, expecting at any moment Cody to climb aboard. Expecting his escape to be nothing of the kind.
But although he ran through every check twice, when the old bird finally clawed her way aloft, there was still no sign of Cody Allen on the pier.
*
It was Sunday lunchtime, and Nick had finished the tail rotor repair, flushed the gas lines, replaced the oil and was contemplating the pistons. There was something in his belly that might have been hunger, but he'd tried eating once since he'd left the Riptide Friday night, and the vomiting and stomach cramps had scared him off food ever since.
Right now, Cody was probably at the beach with Paula. Not thinking about Nick at all. Not tense, edgy and sleepless like Nick was, not sick to his gut with the heart-stopping terror of civilian life alone. Nick wiped his hands on a rag and slid to the ground, leaning against Mimi's wheel-casing, fighting dizziness.
Don't know if I can do this without you, man. Just don't know. Cody was gonna need his own cabin, that went without saying. But there were a few places on the beach, and maybe Nick could rent one of those, stay close. Still your partner. Still your best friend. Is that too much, babe? Nick knew in his heart it was -- had always known it, if he was honest. He needed Cody too much, and Cody gave him what he needed, willingly and completely. It was, after all, what had brought them to his point. "I'm sorry," he said out loud, staring up at the fierce California sun. "Wish I didn't need you so much. Wish I knew how to do this on my own."
"Don't you think I need you too?" Cody sank to the ground beside Nick. "What the hell makes you think I can do it alone, huh?"
Nick stared at his partner, drinking him in. In the worst of his self-pity, he'd wondered if he would ever see Cody again. Pale under his tan, looking like he'd lost several pounds, worry lines etched around his eyes -- Cody looked as short on sleep, and as close to the edge as Nick felt.
"You look like shit," Nick said quietly, and smiled.
An answering smile touched Cody's lips. "My partner runs out on me, that's what happens," he said wryly.
Nick sighed. He guessed, when it came down to it, that was what he'd done -- in self-preservation, it was true, but the reason hardly mattered. "How'd you find me?"
Cody shrugged. "You told me Mimi needed work. I tried Fort Ord and Point Mugu first. I think I knew you'd be up here, though. I just didn't wanna admit it."
Nick looked around him. Quartz Hill, the tiny airport up in the hills where he'd worked right after getting out of the army, held few happy memories for either him or Cody. But it was a safe bolthole for a broken man, and he'd headed Mimi there without conscience thought.
"Listen. I didn't - it just seemed to make sense to me, okay? I didn't mean to freak you out. Last thing I wanna do is drive you away." Cody stared at the ground, carefully winding two half-dead blades of grass together. "It's not -- I mean, what's important to me is you. Nothing has to change, all right? Just forget I ever said anything."
"Cody -- " Nick reached out and laid a hand on Cody's arm. "What are you saying, man?"
"I want you to come home." Cody twisted his grass tighter. "Please, Nick. You an' me, it's like you said, we learned how to stick together. I got no idea how to be anything on my own. I won't do anything -- say anything -- like what happened Friday, not ever again, if you'll just come home." Cody looked up at last, and the hurt in his eyes broke the parts of Nick that were still holding together.
"Of course I'm coming home. I told you when I left I'd see you Tuesday." Nick's brain was freewheeling with confusion, but the important thing, the only thing, was to wipe that look off Cody's face. Nothing was worth watching Cody hurt -- no principle, not even his own pain. "I'm sorry I ran out on you," he said, deliberately using Cody's words. "I knew what you were gonna say and I didn't wanna hear it."
"I know." Cody hung his head and shifted closer to Nick. "I'm sorry. I'm an idiot and I nearly screwed everything up."
Nick eased his arm around Cody, and Cody leaned in with a sigh of what sounded like relief. For a guy who wants space, he's sure as hell doing it wrong, Nick reflected, wondering what had changed. Guess he took it as hard as I did. "You can't screw us up, babe. Haven't I told you that before?"
"Yeah, but you never took off on me before. Figured I'd really screwed up. Started thinking maybe you didn't want to be my partner anymore, or my friend. Thought I'd really done it, Nick, thought I'd lost you forever."
"Hey. You got a right to ask for what you need, okay? And you're not gonna lose me, no matter what." Nick breathed deep. One of those places just down the pier. Pricey, maybe, but I gotta stay close. "I'm nothing worth a damn without you, Cody."
Cody shuddered against Nick. "You're worth everything," he said thickly. "An' don't you forget it."
Nick stared at the ground. You're everything. Wish I wasn't such a fucked up mess. Wish I could be half the friend you think I am. He cleared his throat. "Did you, uh, get back with Paula?"
Cody gave him a strange glance. "No. It's not that easy, okay?"
Nick sighed. Nothing about the whole fucked up thing was easy, Cody had that much right.
"Does that change things?" The uncertainty in Cody's voice nearly broke Nick's heart all over again.
"Whaddaya mean? Change what?" Nick squeezed Cody's shoulders reassuringly, trying to suppress a yawn. Whatever happened, they were back together. They'd find a way through. With the knowledge came a measure of relaxation, and with it, exhaustion and hunger.
"What we just talked about." Cody still sounded scared. "Are you still coming home?"
"Of course I'm coming home." Nick blinked back confusion. No Paula gave him a few nights at least to find digs, and a few more nights beside Cody. "I told you, didn't I?"
"Tuesday? You're still gonna make me wait?" Cody's voice caught. "Maybe I deserve that. I guess I do."
"Wait, what?" Nick was becoming more confused by the minute. "Quit beating yourself up over this whole thing. I overreacted, now you're overreacting, that's how I see it. As for home, we're both going there right now, and then I plan on sleeping for a week. That okay with you?"
Cody pulled back and stared at Nick, then nodded once. "More than okay," he said shortly, and stood up. "Subject closed?"
Nick took the hand Cody offered him and got to his feet. "Closed," he agreed.
*
The subject was closed, and so was Cody. It had been a week, and Nick had done everything he knew how to give the guy space -- fixing Mimi's pistons alone, working out at the gym, going jogging mornings and evenings. Even taking out a pretty tourist he'd met on the pier. Twice.
But Cody had only gotten quieter. There was no sign of Paula, and although Cody had taken to staying out late Nick was pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone. But what he was doing was shutting Nick out, almost to the point of actively avoiding him.
Dinner was pizza and Nick paid the delivery guy then brought the box to the table, listening with half an ear as Murray expounded the Roboz's latest upgrade between bites. Cody came to join them, hesitated, then took the rattan chair instead of sliding in beside Nick. Nick watched as he took a slice of pizza, inspected it, then laid it on his plate.
Something's wrong. I'm giving him space, but he's still hurting. "That's great, Murray. Cody, how was your day, man?"
"Huh?" Cody jumped, looking up at Nick with haunted eyes. "My day? Uh, I fixed a couple of reels. Booked in a charter for Saturday but they didn't want a harbor tour."
Nick waited, but there was no crack about Mimi or her pistons. Instead, Cody returned his eyes to his plate, then picked an olive off his pizza and popped it into his mouth.
"How about you, Nick? How come you're not out with Sarah? You kinda like her, don't you?" Murray waggled his eyebrows.
"She went back home to Utah yesterday." Nick shrugged. "I guess she was nice."
"That's a shame. It's been ages since you've had a date, Nick, and then you finally meet a nice girl, and she's from Utah! Don't you think that's a shame, Cody?"
Cody lifted his head, cheeks flaming. "I guess," he said, and stood up. "Listen, you guys, I don't feel so good. I just -- " He shook his head, pushed away from the table, and turned and ran up the wheelhouse steps."
Murray stared after him, mouth open. "Was it something I said?"
Nick shook his head slowly. "I dunno, Boz. I just don't know."
*
Whatever was eating Cody, he'd have to come home eventually. The keys to both the Jimmy and the Ebbtide were on their respective hooks, and anyway, when things got tough, it was always Nick who ran. Cody just withdrew into his shell -- exactly as he'd been doing all week.
Nick just wished he knew how things had gotten so tough, so fast, and what the hell he could do to fix it.
He retreated to their stateroom with the remains of the pizza and a six pack of beers -- one for now, and a couple each for him and Cody later. Because when Cody came home, Nick planned to hash the problem out, once and for all, and the way Cody was acting, it was liable to be thirsty work.
Nick flipped out the light and settled down in the dark to wait, running through the events of the last ten days in his head. He'd hightailed it to give Cody a clear run at the beach bunnies, but Cody, so far from being grateful, had been hurt and unsettled -- and not so much as looked at a single girl. Not even when Nick had bitten the bullet and set an example.
Nick frowned briefly, nursing his beer. I've given him space. I could move out, but the way he acted up at Quartz Hill, that ain't what he wants. Maybe Paula turned him down, or gave him some kind of ultimatum. That could fit. Nick took another drink, examining the idea from all sides. Usually Cody confided girl trouble, but if Paula's ultimatum involved Nick, it would explain his silence.
Nick narrowed his eyes and put his beer bottle on the nightstand, suddenly all too aware he hadn't let Cody finish whatever he'd been going to say. "What does she want from you, big guy? Whatever it is, I got an AK-47 says she ain't getting it. You don't have to worry about that."
Nick leaned back, quietly allowing himself to indulge in fantasy.
The Riptide lay at anchor, well out in the bay. Paula, exposed for the soulless harpy that she was, stood disconsolate on the pier, a tiny figure, far away. Nick sat on the fantail, leaning back against the cushioned bench, with Cody right beside him. As Nick stretched, Cody lay back so his head rested in Nick's lap. "I'd never ask you to leave, buddy," Cody said, smiling up at him. "You should know that. You're the best friend I got."
Nick squeezed his eyes shut, unsuccessfully fighting to keep errant tears beneath his lids where they belonged. You're everything I got, man. Everything. Whatever I gotta do, whatever you need from me, you got it.
As if on cue, the stateroom door clicked open and Cody slipped cautiously, silently, inside. Nick held his breath, waiting for Cody to move to his bunk, but instead, Cody opened the closet and pulled out his duffel. Nick waited another beat as Cody pulled out a stack of shirts and tossed them inside, then sat up and flicked on the light.
Cody whirled, startled, eyes wide. "Nick! I -- uh -- "
So much for Cody not running. Nick's heart twisted. "Where you going, big guy?" he asked, standing and moving so he was between Cody and the door. This reality was so far from his fantasy, so close to his worst nightmare, he hardly knew how to proceed. More tears welled in his eyes and he dashed them away angrily.
"Nick?" Cody sounded uncertain. "Are you crying?"
Nick leaned back against the door, the one thing he had control of in this situation. While he held his position, Cody couldn't slip away, maybe forever. Don't leave me. Please, Cody, anything but that. "Where are you going?" Nick repeated, softer.
"Hadn't really thought it out." Cody glanced at Nick, then away. "Didn't figure it mattered."
"It's the only thing that matters. Don't you know that?" Cody was hurting, breaking, and as much as Nick hated to see it, it gave him confidence. Whatever was going on, Cody wasn't leaving him from choice. Nick stepped forward, away from the door, and put a hand on Cody's shoulder. "Babe, whatever this is, whatever's going on, we gotta talk."
Cody gave the ghost of a smile, and allowed Nick to sit him down on his bunk. He raised his eyebrows when Nick handed him a slice of cold pizza and a beer. "What's this?"
"Dinner." Nick picked up his own beer. "Figured you'd be hungry."
Cody looked around the stateroom at the six-pack resting on the floor between the bunks, and the pizza box reposing on the end of Nick's bed. "I don't get it," he said, turning wary eyes to Nick's face. "You avoid me all week and now you pack me a picnic and wanna talk?"
Nick took a healthy slug of beer, and picked the easy part. "Yeah, I wanna talk." He dropped to his own bunk, sitting opposite Cody, and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. "So I been thinking, and this is all Paula, am I right? She's given you some kind of ultimatum, screwed with your head, I don't even know."
Cody stared at him uncomprehendingly and put down his pizza. "Paula doesn't have one damn thing to do with anything," he said carefully. "I know you hate her, but she's not the reason I feel like I do. I'm sorry, Nick, I really am, but this thing's on me. If you got to hate someone for it, blame someone -- it's me, okay? It's all me."
Nick shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense, man."
"I know. I know it doesn't, and you gotta understand, Nick, I didn't plan to feel this way. If I could make it go away I would." Cody sighed and took a long drink. "I just want us back, d'you understand? I wanna reach out and know you're there. This week -- the way you been running from me -- I get it, but Nick, it's ripping me apart."
"Whoa." Nick shook his head and put his beer down. "You're still not making any sense. I been trying all week to give you space, and you got no idea how hard that is. Every morning I start to make you coffee, wonder what we're gonna do today, then I remember I don't get to do that anymore."
"Space?" Cody's mouth twisted beneath his mustache into something that might have been a smile. "Nice try, Nick, but you're not gonna fix me that way."
"Then tell me what I gotta do." Nick rubbed both hands over his face. "Anything, whatever you need."
"Not true," Cody said wryly, putting his beer down beside Nick's. "A week ago you wouldn't even let me say the words out loud."
Nick sat up. "So sue me if I didn't wanna hear my best buddy tell me I was cramping his style, and could I make like a crab and scuttle." He looked straight at Cody, half challenging, half apprehensive. "I been trying, man. Giving you space, doing my own thing, tryin' not to get in the way."
"Trying not to get in the way?" Cody leaned forward, his eyes alight. "Nick! Nick, what are you saying?"
"What?" Nick stared at this new, animated Cody.
"Nick, that night… the night you wouldn't let me talk." Urgently, Cody grabbed his arms. "You thought I was gonna tell you -- what? That I couldn't get a girl because of you?"
"That girls kept dumping you because of me, yeah. Maybe that you wanted me to move out." Nick breathed deep. "You needed more space. Makes sense."
"Get one thing straight." Cody shook him gently. "When it comes to you and me, space is the last thing I want. Okay?"
"Okay," Nick agreed slowly, and sat back. He picked up both beer bottles and handed Cody his, then smiled as Cody retrieved his pizza and despatched the slice in three large bites. Nick was still confused, but Cody at least was clearly feeling better.
Cody smacked his lips, took a second slice of pie and glanced at the six-pack. "Want another beer?"
"I dunno. Think I got a headache." Nick rubbed his eyes again then grinned as Cody passed him a fresh one anyhow. "You want me drunk as well as confused?"
"On two beers? I don't think so." Cody grinned back and it was all Nick could do not to cry again. All Cody's joy, all his magic was back full-force, and Nick's heart filled to overflowing.
"I'm sorry, babe," he said quietly. "I been hurting you all week, and I didn't even realize."
Cody finished his pizza and followed it with a healthy swallow of beer. "You've been hurting all week too. An' the worst thing is I knew it all along, I just thought -- well, never mind what I thought. At least we got it straightened out now, buddy."
"Yeah," Nick agreed, watching as Cody took a second slice of pizza. Do we? Nick took a long drink of his beer then put the bottle down. Cody was still eating pizza, the wary tension gone from his face. "I think it's time you told me whatever it was you were gonna say last Friday, man."
Cody finished his pie and looked up. "Nope," he said cheerfully, picking up a napkin and wiping his hands. "Just forget all about it, huh? Wasn't important anyhow."
"Ten days of ripping my guts out says you're talking bull, big guy."
Cody looked down. "Not really," he said in a low voice. "It was just something I thought I wanted."
"So tell me, pal. You know you can tell me anything."
"This is what I'm gonna tell you." Cody looked up again. "Nothing's worth risking what you and I have, Nick. When I came in tonight, I thought we were over. I thought you hated me. I -- "
"Cody!" Nick shifted from his own bunk to Cody's side and grabbed his partner by the shoulders. "Nothing can make me hate you, don't you know that? Don't you?" Nick shook Cody gently, and Cody collapsed forward, burying his head against Nick's neck. Cody was trembling as Nick gathered him close, and Nick could feel his chest heaving.
"Don't cry," Nick whispered against Cody's ear, ignoring his own advice. He kissed Cody's hair softly, tasting the salt of his own tears on the golden strands. "C'mon, babe, you can count on me, you know that."
"Thought you'd never hold me again," Cody choked out. "Thought I was alone."
Nick held Cody closer, understanding only too well. He'd felt the same way, the nights he'd spent up at Quartz Hill. "Next time you got something to tell me, go ahead and deck me if I won't listen, huh? Woulda saved a whole lot of trouble this time, you know?"
"I dunno," Cody muttered. "Maybe you did us both a favor." He pulled back, rubbed both hands over his face and picked up his beer from the nightstand.
Nick leaned against the wall, contemplating his best friend. Cody glanced at Nick and looked away, and Nick moved forward impulsively and took the beer out of Cody's hand.
"Hey," Cody protested half-heartedly as Nick took a swig, then put the bottle down beside his own.
"We're not done talking yet," Nick said quietly. "You're still jumpy as hell, and I'm still confused. There's something in this room stinks like an elephant, you know? An' it's past time you told me its name and showed me its party tricks."
"Elephants with party tricks are more in Murray's line," Cody hedged, moving back against the pillows.
"Those were dolphins, not elephants." Nick looked Cody in the eye. "Stop with the wildlife, big guy, and spill it."
"It wasn't me started talking about wildlife! Nick, we agreed to close this subject and -- "
"That was before I knew what the subject was. In fact, I still don't." Nick reached down and snagged both beers, sipped one and passed the other to Cody. "Here. So I narrowed it down some. It's not about Paula. But it is about dating. You're doing it wrong, ain't that what you said? An' it's all because of how close you are with me. Am I right so far?"
Cody flushed and picked strenuously at the label on his bottle. "I might've said something like that. Can't remember. Nick, can we just drop it? I mean, I'm not dating anyone right now, so it doesn't matter how I'm doing it, right?"
"Except that it's making you unhappy," Nick said, shaking his head. "And it's got something to do with me. With us." Nick took a deep breath, staring at Cody, waiting for his partner to look up.
As the silence lengthened, Cody's fingers slowed on the bottle. At last he raised his head, eyes seeking Nick's.
Nick kept staring. Cody looked somehow small, folded back against his pillow, broad shoulders tucked in and narrowed; the way he looked only when he was vulnerable and ashamed. Only when he thought he'd let Nick down.
"You don't want me to move out," Nick tried again, looking away to let Cody off the hook. "You don't want space. So what is it you need, pal? A puppy? A kitten? Hell, you want us to adopt a kid? Just say the word."
Cody gave a strangled sob and swung his legs off the bed. Nick tensed but Cody didn't make a break for it, just perched on the edge, breathing raggedly, looking at the floor.
Nick moved closer and tentatively rubbed Cody's shoulders. "Sorry, babe. C'mon, what is it? Truth, now. Have I left the wheelhouse door open one time too many? Used all the duct tape so you can't borrow it when you need it?"
Cody laughed at that, raised his head and drew in a long breath. "Anyone ever tell you you're a pain in the ass?"
Nick grinned. "Mama Jo says that at least once a month, but she says the same about you so maybe it doesn't count, huh?" He rubbed Cody's shoulders again. "C'mon. Talk."
"When you think about the future, what do you see?"
Nick blinked. It was the last thing he'd expected. "Well, uh. We'll be detectives as long as we can, I guess. Until my neck or your knee or both takes us out, y'know? And, uh…" Girls. Isn't that the whole point of this thing? "You an' your wife live aboard. Me and Boz… I dunno, I got someplace by an airfield, I guess, so's to be nice and handy, and Murray's maybe got a girl and a place of his own -- "
Nick broke off as Cody gripped his arm. "No. Not the fairy tale you think I want to hear, Nick. When you think about the future, what do you dream of, buddy? Who's gonna share it with you?"
Wife, Nick thought. Kids, cat, dog, hamster. That's what he needs to hear. He opened his mouth on the lie, but Cody turned to look at him, and it stuck in his throat. "You," he said helplessly, pinned by Cody's bright blue eyes. "God help me, Cody, you."
Cody's expression, his face, his whole body softened and gave, turning into Nick, arms sliding around Nick's chest. Nick dropped weakly against his partner, leaning in. "Sorry," he said breathlessly. "Sorry. I just want -- I can't -- "
"I want you too," Cody said, holding him tightly. "I can't give you up, not for some girl, not for a fictional family, not for anything. That's what I was trying to tell you, Nick. I don't want a girl, a wife, none of that. All I want, all I need, is you."
Nick's brain went into freefall. Mine. Mine. "But -- uh -- " He pulled back, seeking out Cody's eyes, giddy with terror and elation. Cody wanted him, wanted them to stay together. Nick woud take that on any terms. But his heart was jumping to its own conclusions, and Cody had specifically told him to lay off the fairy tales. You're my happy ever after, baby. Prince Charming and the Marquis of Carabas and the fucking Genie all rolled into one. Do I get my other two wishes now?
"Nick?" Cody, pale to the lips, let go, drawing his hands back against his body. "Nick, say something. Are we -- are we okay?"
"Yeah," Nick said hoarsely, forcing air past the lump in his throat. "Yeah, we're great." He swallowed a couple of times, trying to get his body back in gear, reconnect the brain pathways Cody's words had blown away. But his brain was only interested in one thing, and that was Cody. Wanting him. "What d'you mean, baby? You said you want me but I need -- I need to know what you mean."
Cody flushed to the roots of his hair, and for the first time, Nick dared to believe that his heart had gotten it right. "No girls," Cody whispered. "Just - just you and me -- "
Confidence growing, Nick moved closer and laid his hand against Cody's cheek. "Maybe you mean something like this," he murmured, resting their foreheads together. He felt Cody's breath catch and quicken, and smiled. "Or this." He leaned in closer and gently, softly, kissed Cody's lips.
Cody made a sound between a whimper and a moan as Nick broke the kiss, so Nick went back in for another. Cody's mouth was yielding, pliant, welcoming Nick in, and this time Nick pulled back at last because he'd run out of air. "Am I getting warm?" he gasped, catching his breath.
"If you were any hotter we'd both be on fire," Cody growled, reaching to undo Nick's shirt. "Is this okay? You're not freaking out?"
Nick's heart started something that might have been a tango, and this time, Nick let it. "If you'd known how long I been wanting to kiss you like that, you wouldn't have to ask."
Cody paused at that, staring. "You wanted me anyhow? Why didn't you say something?"
"Like I was gonna ask you to give up your dream of a beautiful wife for a worn out GI with a tricky neck and a beat-up chopper. Get serious, Cody."
"I'm serious, all right," Cody murmured. "And it sounds like we got a lot of lost time to make up for. You ready to get started? Or you need a little time to get used to the idea?"
"I've had all the time I can handle." Nick pulled Cody's shirt off, suddenly in a hurry. "Come here, baby, before this all turns out to be a dream."
"No dream, Nick. Right here, right now… this is the real thing."
*
Nick, back pressed hard against the wall in Cody's bunk, with Cody himself sprawled face down across the mattress and Nick's body indiscriminately, was very tired indeed. But sleep was the last thing on his mind.
For once, being completely honest with Cody had paid off. In a big way. He'd said one word, and been rewarded with Cody Allen, heart, body and soul. Of course, Cody's soul had been his forever, but the other two -- they were more than the icing and the cherry, to Nick's way of thinking. More like a full buffet.
Loving Cody had been everything he'd dreamed of and more. Even this first time, accompanied with the clumsy fumbling of two guys figuring how to touch each other, an urgent handjob had taken Nick higher than he figured he had any right to go. By Cody's moans, and the way he'd clung to Nick when he'd come, Cody had felt the same.
And now, lying here with Cody, the feel of Cody's thigh against Nick's spent groin was a whole new kind of magic. That, and the musk of male sex heavy in the cabin, plus the warm, lax weight of sated Cody -- it was all so perfect Nick had no intention of dozing off and missing a single instant of this, the first afterglow he'd shared with his partner.
Not to mention the fact that wakefulness gave him the luxury of replaying some of his favorite moments. Although, when Nick thought about it, his favorite moments definitely outnumbered the other kind by about five to one.
"Why you still awake?" Cody murmured drowsily, curling closer and rubbing his head against Nick's shoulder.
Nick slid his hand down Cody's back, stroked his ass, dipped gently between the backs of his thighs. Cody purred, and Nick added another favorite moment to his list. "Holding you. Enjoying this. Hoping you don't ever change your mind."
"Not gonna happen." Cody lifted his head and took a kiss. "I'm always gonna love you most, need you most. Ain't nothing I can do about that."
"Yeah," Nick whispered, and kissed him back. "I love you too."
"Go to sleep, babe," Cody said. "Cos when we wake up I got plans for you. And I don't want you falling asleep in the middle, you know?"
Spent though he was, Nick's cock twitched at the thought. "I won't fall asleep on you. You can take that to the bank."
Cody rubbed his head against Nick's shoulder again and, murmuring in contentment as Nick shifted underneath him, claiming more mattress for himself. Cody settled across Nick's body, lying more on Nick than the bunk, one long leg thrown across Nick's thighs.
Nick rested one arm across Cody's back and let the other hand rest on the swell of Cody's thigh, fingers close to the sweet dark cleft of buttock. He kissed Cody's hair, then closed his eyes.
The Riptide lay at anchor, well out in the bay. In the distance, the beach was littered with bikini-clad models but no-one on the boat was paying them any attention at all. Nick sat on the fantail, leaning back against the cushioned bench, with Cody right beside him. As Nick stretched, Cody followed, pressing Nick back against the seat and taking a blistering kiss. "Got big plans for us, buddy," Cody said, smiling up at him. "Are you with me?"
Nick parted his legs as Cody's hands slid up his inner thighs. "All the way," he said, smiling back. "For always."