riptide_asylum | "Fear of Falling" (Fear of Falling, 1984

Title: Fear of Falling
Summary: Cody wants Nick. Can he tell him? And what will happen if he does?

Prompt

01. Focus	Cody keeps his focus on their friendship, and rather than focusing on what he can't have, reminds himself how lucky he is to have Nick in his life.
02. Civilization	Living here on the boat, with Nick and Murray, suits him perfectly, even though his mother thinks he's left civilization behind.
03. Sink	Even when business is slow and they're worried that the agency might go under, Cody knows he'll never want to live anywhere else - after all, he and Nick managed before they started the agency, and somehow, whatever happens, they'll keep it from sinking.
04. Bullet	The only time they'd seriously considered closing down, Nick had ended up taking a bullet, and for Cody that was sufficient deterrent against thinking that way again.
05. Count	Any time he's got a problem, he knows he can count on Nick for anything; there's only one thing he's never shared with Nick.
06. Mental	He's considered, a few times, telling Nick - but his mental rehearsals of the conversation don't go well, and he's afraid of how Nick might take it.
07. Coast	It's easier just to coast, the way they are - Nick's there, in his life, his friend, his partner - it's not quite enough, but it's far too precious to risk.
08. Fence	Cody knows he pushes it a bit far, sometimes, in their verbal fencing matches over pretty girls, but there are times, when Nick looks at him, that he feels like Nick sees what he's trying so hard to hide.
09. Circle	When he's talking about some girl and Nick looks at him that way, he panics - it burns him when they end up circling each other like snarling dogs, kills him when he sees the hurt in Nick's eyes, but it's the only way he knows to push Nick away and keep his feelings hidden.
10. Thin	He wonders sometimes if Murray sees more than he lets on; he's caught Murray looking from him to Nick with an odd, speculative expression, lips pressed thin and eyebrows raised.
11. Room	That look sends Cody out of the room, up on deck to drag lungfuls of the sea air as he tries to steady his pulse.
12. Blaze	Cody doesn't think he's ever let his feelings for Nick show, but Murray's seen him lash out at Nick more than once; maybe Murray could tell that his blaze of temper was really panic.

13. Thought	Nick doesn't understand why Cody's so defensive about women all the time, why he'll never listen, never even take the time to think through Nick's warnings or suggestions.
14. Jealous	He's not jealous, whatever Cody says; and it hurts like hell that that's what Cody thinks, when all he wants - all he's ever wanted - is for Cody to be happy.
15. Sand	He gazes down the beach, the sand littered with semi-dressed pretty girls, and wonders which one will be next.
16. Doll	There's always a 'next', he and Cody just put one argument behind them and Cody arrives home with another bimbo on his arm, treating her like she's a china doll, singing her praises.
17. Curl	Cody's got some kind of homing beacon for the worst kind of girls - and while Cody's gazing in her eyes, it's up to Nick to see past the bikini and the makeup, past the pretty curls and somehow try to warn his partner.
18. Farewell	There's never been a time when that's gone well, and Nick often thinks he should just shut up and let well enough alone - so far, all Cody's romances have ended in farewell, after all.
19. Story	But every time he sees his partner falling for some chick's hard luck story, he can't help himself.
20. Soft	Cody's his best friend and he can't take the soft option, it's not in him to stand by and watch Cody get hurt without at least trying to do something.
21. Pool	Any time Nick's got a bad feeling, Murray always helps him out - they pool resources and find whatever there is to find about Cody's latest flame.
22. Serpent	Telling Cody, watching the hurt in his eyes, waiting for the inevitable attack, is one of the things Nick hates most in the world - worse than he hates Christmas, worse than snakes even.
23. Prey	The panic-stricken, hunted look in Cody's eyes hurts him more than the angry words his partner throws at him.
24. Friend	Nick's there for him when Cody finally grasps the truth for himself, and he knows Cody relies on that; relies on Nick and on their friendship.
25. Still	Sometimes he wonders why he does it - why he lets Cody hurt him over and over and still, there he is, waiting to pick up the pieces on the other side; ready when Cody needs him.
26. Exhausted	At the time, emotionally wrung out and exhausted, he tells himself he'll leave, go back to being a pilot; but somehow he can't bring himself to; then Cody turns to him for help, and Nick knows he's kidding himself - they have their ups and downs, but they'll always have each other's backs.

27. Bold	When it came to chatting up girls he was bold enough, but the few times he'd allowed himself to think of Nick that way he felt shy, awkward - and scared.
28. Hook	He'd been thinking more often about telling Nick, but he couldn't imagine how to start - there was no hook, no lead-in he could come up with.
29. Attraction	And anyway, if he told Nick, confessed his attraction, it might change them, change their friendship - how was Nick likely to feel about sharing a bedroom with a guy who was looking at him that way?
30. Will	With the best will in the world, Nick couldn't treat him the same, if he knew.
31. Bed	Cody lay in bed and listened to his partner's even breathing from across the room.
32. Bell	He'd been awake all night, and the alarm bell going off was a relief.
33. Joy	Cody climbed out of bed wondering if there was any joy left in the world for him - and if there was, whether he could find it with Nick, or whether he must look for it without him.
34. Decade	They'd been best friends for more than a decade, and the thought of being without Nick was like the thought of losing a limb.
35. Test	It would be more than a test; Cody wasn't sure if he could function any more, without Nick beside him.
36. Gentle	Cody dressed slowly, lost in his thoughts, until Nick's gentle touch on his shoulder summoned him back, turned him around.
37. Hunger	His eyes gave him away for an instant - he blinked and dropped his gaze, wondering if Nick saw the hunger, the fear, the longing that he knew was there.
38. Mute	He stood mute, looking away, and Nick took hold of his shoulders - "Cody?"
39. Quicken	Cody felt his pulse quicken as Nick said "Cody, what's wrong?"
40. Absence	He didn't answer, and when Nick released his shoulders and stepped away with a sigh, Cody felt his absence as a physical ache.
41. Maze	He had to tell him, or try anyhow - it was killing him, trying to find his way through this maze of feelings on his own.
42. Close	"Please don't close me out," Nick said softly, facing away, head down.
43. Reign	Cody fought down the fear that had reigned in his heart for so long.
44. Crush	This wasn't some crush that he could deal with, some stupid, meaningless woman - this was Nick, who he'd loved for years.
45. Run	So how come he felt like running away?
46. Art	Was there some art to this; a good way of telling your best friend you were in love with him?
47. Pressure	Somehow he didn't think so, and the pressure was killing him; so, at last, he opened his mouth and said "Nick, I'm really sorry, but I'm in love with you and I need you to know it."

48. Echo	I never expected his feelings would echo mine - we did a lot of talking, of course, and it took time - but in the end, that's how it worked out.
49. Heal	It explained a lot for both of us, and healed a lot of scars - especially for Nick, now that he understood why I got so defensive when he spoke to me about women.
50. Clear	The future's not exactly clear yet, but one thing we both know - whatever happens, we'll be together; and as it turns out, that's the only really important thing.