"Flashpoint - Part Two" (Other, 1987)
Mar. 3rd, 2015 10:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
riptide_asylumTitle: Flashpoint
Rating: NC17
Summary: Cody thinks Joanna might be the one for him. Nick tries to help. Murray's smarter than both of them.
Part One
Chapter Five
Joanna, as a girlfriend, had a number of advantages. Cody knew she must have, because he'd been dating her nine months. It was just that at the moment, he couldn't think of any. She had arrived late Sunday morning, and seemed determined to care for him. Cody gave her points for effort, but as he'd discovered when laid up in the hospital, one talent Joanna lacked was that of sick-nurse.
She'd just gotten done trying to feed him mashed banana and scrambled egg, and her latest plan involved a sponge bath.
Cody had been pushed through the shower by Murray at least four times since he'd come down sick, and was perfectly capable of taking another if he needed it. But Joanna wasn't taking no for an answer.
He was shivering on the bed, stripped, Joanna sponging his groin, when the door opened and Murray walked in. "Hey, Cody, I -- oh."
Cody hauled at the sheet and succeeded only in upsetting the bowl of lukewarm water over himself, Joanna and the bed. He yelled and so did Joanna.
At that moment, Nick followed Murray into the room. He stopped, staring around, at Cody, sprawled naked on the bed, still pulling ineffectually at the sheet, at Joanna, patting at her ruined blouse, at the shocked look on Murray's face, and started to laugh. "You guys sure learned to party since I been gone, huh?"
In one smooth move, he dropped his duffel, grabbed a blanket from his own bunk and tossed it to Cody, then slapped Murray on the back. "Boz, why don't you lend Joanna a t-shirt, you know?"
Nick held the door as Murray flushed and nodded, taking Joanna's arm and leading her out. "Real good, Murray. Make some fresh coffee, too, okay? Me and Cody'll be up in a minute."
"Cody's sick," Joanna said, her voice a little cold.
"So I hear. Doesn't mean he's gotta stay in bed all day." Nick grinned wider. "Specially since his bed's all wet." He closed the door on Murray's wry grin and Joanna's frown, and turned back to look at his partner.
Cody was sitting on the edge of the bunk. He'd planned to jump up and go to Nick, but he'd moved too fast, and his head was spinning.
"Aw, Cody." Nick went to him. "A little sicker than I thought, hey?"
"I'm okay now." Cody reached out without even thinking and collapsed thankfully as Nick gathered him close. "Just dizzy."
"Sure y'are. C'mon, I figure you could use a shower after all that excitement. And I sure could."
It wasn't the first time they'd showered together. Any time one of them needed help, they folded themselves into the small space, holding each other up. Cody knew he wasn't really sick enough to need this but he took it shamelessly, leaning into Nick, enjoying the closeness. After the long weeks apart, it was the perfect balm. He knew Nick felt it too.
"You're home a week early," Cody muttered, resting his head on Nick's shoulder while Nick soaped his back.
"Ran out of fires." Nick squeezed him.
"Really?" Cody squeezed back. "Murray didn't call you?"
Nick's hands stopped moving. "Should he have?" he asked, a worried note in his voice.
"No." Cody sighed. "I've been, uh, fine."
"Uh, fine, huh?" Nick pulled back to look in Cody's eyes.
Cody looked back, seeing the dark circles under Nick's eyes, the weight loss, the tension. It had been as hard on Nick as it had been on him. "As fine as you," he said, and smiled.
"Oh, that fine." Nick's lips twitched. "He shoulda called me, then, pal, because let me tell you, I never want to do that again. You go ahead and marry Joanna, and what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna buy the condo next door, or maybe land the Mimi on your lawn."
Cody chuckled softly, moving closer and fitting his head back on Nick's shoulder. "I don't think I'm the marrying type. If this exercise proved anything, it's that."
Nick sighed, then reached behind Cody to turn off the water. "That's the last thing I wanted to do to you, man."
"I don't know how I thought it was gonna be," Cody said, stepping out of the shower box and reaching for a towel, "but -- "
A moment later he was on his knees on the floor, the incautious move too much for his shaky equilibrium. Nick had him under the arms, stopping him from falling further.
"Easy, pal." Nick lowered himself to the floor, easing Cody down with him. "No sudden moves, huh?"
"Apparently not," Cody said breathlessly. "Ow, that hurt."
"Yeah, I know it must've." Nick stood, grabbed a towel, then helped Cody up. As Cody made it to his unsteady feet, Nick wrapped the towel around him, one arm going around his waist. "Don't think you lost any skin, though."
Cody let himself be guided back to the stateroom and sat on Nick's dry bunk while Nick dressed then stripped Cody's soaked bed. "Now you," Nick said, tossing the wet sheets into the bathroom then returning to Cody's side. "Whaddaya want to do? Sweats? Bathrobe? Or do you want to get back in bed?"
Cody considered it, rubbing his bruised knees. Nick was right, he hadn't lost any skin, but he thought they'd be a shade of purple the next morning. "Bathrobe," he said at last. "Coffee sounds good."
Joanna and Murray were sitting at the table in the salon. The coffee pot and four whale mugs stood in the center, flanked by a plate of cookies.
Cody had done better than he expected with the stairs, and slid down on the couch beside Joanna smiling in triumph. He reached for the coffee pot.
"Cody, no." Joanna caught his hand. "Coffee will dehydrate you."
Smiling genially, Nick took the wicker chair, moved it sideways closer to Cody, sat down and pulled two mugs across the table. Still smiling, he filled them both, added cream and sugar, and pushed one to Cody. "No offence, Joanna, but I can see light through this pot. After what me and Cody are used to, one cup of this stuff wouldn't even dare try an' dehydrate him."
Murray giggled. "You're right, Nick. I've never had your touch with a coffee pot!"
"That's not always a bad thing," Cody said, grinning and sipping his coffee. "Man, I needed that, but I dunno if I'd have been up to a Ryder Special Blend."
"Save that for tomorrow," Nick teased, dropping one hand on Cody's thigh. "That'll get those flu germs on the run."
"You might be right at that." Cody turned to look at his partner, smiling with a mix of affection, amusement and relief. And tiredness. He smothered a yawn.
"Cody, I was thinking I should take you to my place,"Joanna cut in. "That way I can look after you properly. This flu's nasty, and you have to take care -- "
"And not go riding around town," Nick put in, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. "He's just fine here. You gotta go to work tomorrow, right? While me and Murray are right here if Cody needs anything."
Cody looked from his partner to his girlfriend, and back. Joanna's lips were set in a tight line. Nick was still smiling, but his eyes were cool and determined. "Quit fighting over me," Cody quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah?" Nick dropped a hand on his back. "What do you say, you want to go to Joanna's?"
Cody yawned again. "I want to go to the bathroom," he said frankly. "Thanks for the offer, Jo, but I'm weak as a cat right now and dizzy as hell. Why don't we get together Wednesday as usual? I may not be up to taking you out, but you could come over for dinner."
"I'll let you know," Joanna said in a clipped tone. "I may be working."
"C'mon, big guy." Nick stood, moved his chair out of the way and hoisted Cody up. "I'll help you get below."
*
Murray tapped on the stateroom door and entered without waiting for an answer. It was still early -- Nick and Cody were probably still asleep. But the laundry service delivered early on a Monday morning, and the delivery girl, Cherise, always stopped for a chat. It was, in Murray's opinion, a perfect start to the week -- as long as Carla never caught him at it.
Murray laid the bundle of clean laundry he was carrying down on the chair, then stopped. The stateroom was dim, but even in the low light he could see that Cody's bed was empty, the mattress resting on its edge, drying. He turned his eyes to the right, already knowing what he'd find.
Nick and Cody were spooned together in the single bed, Cody facing the wall, Nick wrapped around his back.
Murray watched them for a moment, then nodded. "Joanna never stood a chance," he muttered, smiling, and slipped out of the room.
Three peaceful, lazy days saw Cody restored to health, and more importantly, his laid-back relaxed self. By Tuesday afternoon, both he and Nick had stopped jumping at shadows, and Cody made it through Tuesday night fever-free. He'd still dreamed, but Nick had been there in the dark, fighting at his side, and there was nothing more he'd ever ask for.
Except to have thought to destroy, or at least hide, the bottle of sleeping pills before Nick had seen them, that was. Cody glanced at the hard profile, six feet away from him on the fantail. It was the furthest Nick had been from him since Sunday, but then, Nick was righteously furious that Cody hadn't told him he'd been having trouble sleeping.
"Of course I had trouble sleeping," Cody said quietly. "What was I gonna do, let myself swing on Joanna? You said yourself she had to work on her right hook!"
"It was a joke." Nick's jaw worked. "I feel like I set you up to fail. You don't dream like that much, man. I don't even remember the last time you took a punch at me."
"I do," Cody said, eyes down. "Maybe I didn't swing, I don't know, but I was fighting. You can stop me, remember. You know how, and even if you get it wrong, you're strong enough to hold me down if you gotta. Joanna -- I just couldn't."
"So sleeping pills." Nick cursed under his breath. "What, every night?"
"When I was with her. The rest of the time, only -- only when I couldn't push through."
"I hear that." Nick made a low noise in his throat, something like a growl. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't'a gone. It seems like my great idea only screwed us both."
"Hi, guys!" The gate clanged and Joanna started down the companionway.
Cody jumped, sat up and called out in response. He turned back to see Nick still wearing the same troubled expression he had a moment ago. "You okay, pal?"
Nick blinked. "Uh, yeah. I forgot she was coming over. Listen, what's the deal? You need me to take a room at Straightaway's?"
"No, she doesn't stay on a Wednesday." Cody squeezed Nick's leg, got to his feet and went to welcome Joanna.
The evening breeze was coming up cool, so they went to the salon. Cody planned to grill out on the wheelhouse deck -- he was better, but not well enough to spend too long in the galley with the oven hot. He looked at the food laid out on the salon table, and called out to Murray.
"Hey, pal, is there another package of steak?"
"No." Murray came up the forward stairs and grinned at Cody and Joanna. He'd picked up steak and salad fixings for Cody earlier in the day, both Nick and Murray having vetoed Cody driving just yet. "Nick and I figured we'd go to Straightaways and give you two a little privacy." He turned to Nick. "Isn't that right, Nick?"
"Uh, sure," Nick said, shifting uncomfortably, eyes on Cody. "But -- "
"But you better go change if we're gonna get there before Mindy's shift finishes."
Cody started to laugh. "You be careful with that roving eye, Boz. If Carla comes out of the office and catches you looking, you'll be for it!"
Murray grinned wider. "Who, me? Mindy's for Nick!"
Nick grinned at that and turned for the stairs. "Got it," he said, amused. "I'm just the decoy. Don't worry, Boz, I'm not gonna keep you waiting."
Cody had fun with Joanna. She seemed gentler than she had in the past weeks, funnier, a better listener. The steaks turned out great, and his salad was acceptable. He even wondered briefly if he should suggest going home with her.
But after dessert, she took her coffee back out on deck and stood watching the night sky.
Cody went up behind her and slid his hands to her warm hips. "Nice," he whispered into her hair.
Joanna turned, gave him a sad smile, and stepped away. When he tried to follow, she held up a hand. "Cody, we need to talk."
"Do we?" He tried out his best get-me-out-of-trouble grin.
Joanna smiled, but nodded. "Tonight -- this was wonderful. The food was great, you made me laugh -- it was the best date we've had in months."
"Surely not in months," Cody replied. "Last week at Straightaway's -- "
"Last week at Straightaway's your mom was there, and when we got home, you know what happened."
Cody remembered his lack of performance and blushed. "I'm sorry, Jo. It was stress or I don't know, maybe the flu coming on."
"The week before it was the case, the week before that you were tired." Joanna looked at him and shook her head. "Don't you see, Cody?"
"See what?"
"It's not any of those things," Joanna said slowly. "You're still recovering from the flu, but you're not tired, you're not making excuses to cut the evening short. Cody, tonight you're the guy I fell for. But all summer, you've been moody, distant, impossible to get close to."
"I'll try harder," Cody said, looking down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act like that. I -- "
"I know you didn't. But you see, I know what it is, now."
"What are you talking about?"
Joanna put her coffee cup on the table. "Going into this, I knew you and Nick were close. But I didn't realize that you're someone different when Nick's not around."
"Jo -- I'm not," Cody said lamely. "Nick and I go way back, that's all. It's easier for me to relax when he's here."
Joanna nodded. "So, what now, Cody? You tell me. Shall I go now, so you can be with Nick and relax?"
Cody paled and stepped toward her. "No! That isn't what I meant."
"That's sure what it sounded like. And it's exactly how I feel. You've spent three months acting like every minute with me is torture. Now Nick's back, I'm fun again -- on your terms."
"That's not how it is," Cody said tightly. "We're great together, you and me. You know we are."
"Then come home with me and show me," Joanna said, resting her right hand on her hip. "I'm tired of doing all the work, and I'm tired of taking second place."
Cody swallowed hard. "You're working tomorrow."
"I'm not working tonight," she said sharply, and raised an eyebrow. "Are you coming with me, or staying with Nick?"
"Uh -- " Cody knew his choice should have been simple. But his head was full of objections, all trying to push their way out his mouth. "What about the flu?" he tried lamely.
Joanna's eyes sparked. "I wanted you to come with me Sunday, if you remember," she said coolly. "But Nick won that round."
"I didn't think it was a competition," Cody said, putting his coffee down beside Joanna's. "C'mon. Let me just leave Nick and Murray a note."
Chapter Six
Joanna only had one bathroom, and every time Cody went near it, he found himself in the way of her morning routine. In the end, he settled for instant coffee and skipped the shower, standing back as Joanna hurried into her clothes.
"I would've made you breakfast," he suggested uncertainly.
"Not when I'm working. I prefer to eat at my desk," Joanna said crisply, patting her pastel suit into place. "There." She strode back toward the bathroom. "I'll just finish my makeup. Next time we do this, bring your own car, Cody."
Cody sipped his coffee. They'd arrived at Joanna's and gone straight to bed, despite the early hour. He'd proved himself on her body until his own could no longer respond, and even then, he'd satisfied her a third time with his hands and mouth. She'd clung to him as she drifted off to sleep, sated and, he hoped, happy.
Their lovemaking had been followed by a long, mostly sleepless night for Cody. He'd never thought to bring his sleeping pills, and without them he hadn't let himself do more than doze. Instead, he'd thought of Nick.
Since Nick had been home, Cody's nights had been restful. Even while he was still feverish, Nick stayed close, keeping him warm, cooling him down, fighting his demons. When Nick was close, the dreams had no power.
When Nick was close, Cody was at ease. He never felt that way with anyone else... he never felt that way without Nick.
It wasn't something he expected Joanna to understand.
He followed her into the garage feeling in the way, and wishing he'd ignored Nick and Murray's advice and driven his own car. Only it hadn't been so much advice, Cody thought, remembering Nick taking the keys out of his hands, as direct orders.
The automatic garage door swung up and Cody stopped, hand on the car door, staring out at the street. The Jimmy sat at the curb, and Nick was leaning against the driver's door. Cody leaned down, opening the door a little as Joanna settled into the driver's seat. "My ride's here."
"What?" Joanna looked in the rear vision mirror and froze. "I know I said you should bring your own car, but I didn't mean you should call Nick."
"I didn't." Cody shrugged. "He knows what time you start work."
"Yes, I suppose he does."Joanna looked into Cody's eyes and thinned her lips. "And here I thought I'd won round two."
"It's not a competition," Cody said, stung. "Nick just -- "
"I just want a date where you think about me more than him. You wouldn't think that would be too much to ask, am I right?" She started the engine, and Cody recognized dismissal. He closed the door and followed as she reversed out of the garage. She lifted her hand to him once as the garage door came down, then roared off down the street without so much as acknowledging Nick.
"Seems I've done something to piss the lady off," Nick said with a grin, greeting Cody with a light grip to his elbow. Cody felt himself completing the circuit, his own hand going to Nick's elbow, a brief gesture of solidarity and comfort. An affirmation of their partnership. They'd been doing it for years.
"It's complicated," Cody replied. "You gonna let me drive?"
Nick eyed his partner critically. "No sleep and the fever's back, am I right?"
Cody touched his own cheek and felt heat radiating off it. "I guess," he said, surprised. "Didn't realize."
"Here." Nick handed him the keys with a conspiratorial wink. "Don't tell Murray."
Cody slid into the driver's seat, chuckling, absurdly cheered by the simple gesture. And when Nick climbed in beside him, handed him a takeaway coffee and rested a hand on his leg, Cody's heart filled. There really wasn't anything else he wanted.
Instead of heading back to the boat, he took the turnoff for the yacht club. The parking lot ended in a low bluff over the bay, and he pulled the Jimmy up to the guardrail and cut the engine.
"Everything okay?" Nick asked gently. "Your note seemed kind of short."
Cody glanced over and saw Nick was holding out a box of donuts. He grinned and took the bear claw, grinning wider as Nick's lips twitched.
"She's jealous of you," he said, leaning back in his seat and biting into his donut.
"No kidding." Nick rubbed a hand over his face, then gulped his coffee. "I guess coming by this morning wasn't my best move, huh?"
"Maybe a little overprotective," Cody conceded with a grin. He reached out and put his hand on Nick's leg. "Thanks, though. I was in her way this morning. Kept wishing I had my car."
"Kept wishing I had my partner," Nick shot back, then rubbed his face again. "Listen, I hear you on the overprotective, okay? You hit it fair and square on that one. It's been so hard without you, you know? An' then finding out it was just as hard for you, with the dreams and the pills, and now the flu -- " Nick broke off, then continued. "Just for right now, I feel better when you're beside me."
"I always feel better when you're beside me." Cody leaned back in his seat and sipped at his coffee. He could feel the fever now, messing with his heart rate, making his eyes heavy, making him light-headed. He finished his donut and brushed the powdered sugar off his fingers, then got slowly out of the car.
"Where you going?" Nick leaned toward him, looking anxious.
Cody leaned against the door. "You were right about the fever. You wanna drive home?"
Back on the Riptide, Cody took his belated shower, and went straight to his own bunk. He felt hot, miserable and headachey, and he ached all over.
"Hey, pal." Nick perched on the edge of his bed and rubbed his shoulder lightly. "How you doing?"
"I know, I know," Cody grumbled. "Shouldn't'a drunk wine, should've stayed home, shouldn't've -- "
"Easy," Nick interrupted, pressing his shoulder gently until he rolled over onto his back. "Here. Coffee. Tylenol. Toast. C'mon, trust me. It'll make you feel better."
"It'll make me dehydrated," Cody sniped, but sat up and took the coffee. Just the smell improved his mood, and the first sip felt like heaven. "You made this pot," he said, resting back against the pillow.
"Yup." Nick grinned, handed him his pills, put the plate of toast on the nightstand and retreated to his own bunk.
"Thanks," Cody said softly. He washed the Tylenol down with more coffee and investigated his toast. Nick had gotten real English marmalade from somewhere, a treat Cody loved. "Where'd you find this?" he asked with his mouth full.
"Some little town south of Fort Ord. We were based there for a couple of days, and there was a tourist shop with the English flag. I figured they'd have your marmalade, and I was right. Cost me ten bucks."
"Ten bucks?" Cody raised his eyebrows. "And you bought it anyhow?"
Nick shrugged. "You love it. Not like we buy it every day, y'know?"
Cody took another bite, savoring the tart sweet. He knew without asking what Nick wasn't telling him. In the middle of firefighting, almost certainly exhausted, wired and on edge, Nick had given up a rest period on the chance of finding a treat for him. "Thanks," he said. The word was inadequate, but he knew it was all Nick wanted or needed.
"Just get better, huh?" Nick took a sip of his own coffee. "At risk of pissing Joanna off even more, I'm gonna say no date on Friday, you know?"
"You're right." Cody sighed. "And you're right about how she's gonna feel about that, too. Maybe a movie?"
Nick rubbed his face, then set his coffee down. "You're run down. You know you are, and that's why you're not kicking this flu like you usually do. Think about it this way. If Murray had a fever Thursday morning and told you he was going on a date Friday night, what would you tell him?"
"I'd tell him he was an idiot and threaten to lock him in his room," Cody said without hesitation. "I know, I really do. But I'm tougher than Murray and -- "
"And nothing. You wanna know the truth, I'm damn sure Murray's tougher than both of us put together. He's just more dramatic."
Cody grinned at that. "But Joanna -- "
"Yeah, I'll give you that one." Nick slid his legs over the side of the bunk, sitting up to face Cody. "But if Joanna cares about you, she'll give you the time you need to recover."
"She thinks I'm making excuses to spend time with you instead of her."
"She -- right." Nick stared at Cody, his eyes dark and troubled. "A movie it is. And for God's sake remember your sleeping pills this time." Nick stood up, patted Cody's leg, and left him alone in the cabin.
Chapter Seven
Joanna didn't want to see a movie, so Friday became a sunset cruise with cocktails, dinner anchored off Fisherman's Island and dessert, followed by moonlight swimming and champagne, at a secluded beach Cody knew a little way down the coast.
Nick had elected himself chef, and surprised Cody by bringing Susie aboard. Carla had come, but refused the cocktails, the dessert, the swimming and the champagne. Cody thought she was getting tired of Murray, and he was pretty sure it was past time. By Cody's reckoning, Murray had been done with Carla for at least three weeks, but Murray had always been better at hooking girls than he was at getting rid of them.
They were anchored close in, and no-one had bothered taking the Ebbtide to the beach. Cody lounged on the fantail, watching in amusement as Joanna, Susie and Murray swam. Between the moonlight and the Riptide's spotlight, there was plenty of light.
"Come in, Cody! It's lovely," Joanna called.
"Better not," Cody replied, picking up his champagne. He'd spent the previous day in bed, and felt much better, but he'd avoided the cocktails, and the wine with dinner. One glass of champagne counted as medicinal, but a nighttime swim would be foolish.
Nick returned from the galley and put a cup of coffee in front of Cody. He dropped a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, as he turned to Carla. "There's fresh coffee on inside. Help yourself."
Carla gave a nod and headed for the salon. Cody looked up at Nick. "She's history," he muttered.
Nick nodded. "Murray gonna be okay?"
"Yeah." Cody realized Nick hadn't seen Carla since his return. "Murray's been done with her for weeks."
"I gotta give him some tips on getting loose." Nick chuckled.
"Speaking of getting loose, I didn't realize you and Susie stayed in touch," Cody said easily. "More serious than I thought?"
Nick shot Cody a sideways glance, and sat down next to him. "Not exactly. She's nice, y'know?"
"You always said you hated nice."
"Only when I'm trying to get loose." Nick grinned. "She's nice. She's not crazy, she's not in witness protection, she's not dating you or Murray."
"Ticks all the boxes, huh?" Cody reached out and laid a hand on Nick's leg, squeezing gently.
"I dunno. Maybe I been fighting it too long, you know? Growing up, settling down... maybe it's time I gave it a try."
Goosebumps slid up Cody's spine, unexpected and unwelcome. Nick had only just returned, and now it sounded like he was planning to leave again. "Do you love her?" Cody asked abruptly, withdrawing his hand.
Nick sighed. "I don't think so," he said quietly. "But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe I don't have it in me to love another girl, you know?"
"Nick!" Cody sat forward, turning toward his partner. "Don't say that, buddy. When it's right, you'll know."
"I know, Cody. Believe me, I know. But I can't have what I want, and -- there's no one else, Cody. I don't have space for anyone else."
"Oh." Cody reached out, one hand on Nick's shoulder, the other on his thigh. "Who, buddy? Not Peggy?"
Nick shook his head, leaning forward and slipping one arm around Cody. He squeezed Cody's shoulders gently and stood up. "Just leave it, pal. It's no use anyhow." He raised his voice, arm dropping away from Cody. "Hey, you guys all drowned out there or what?"
"Renee," Cody said, suddenly certain. "Nick, we could find her. We could -- "
"Get her and ourselves killed," Nick said, turning back to Cody, looking amused. Not heartsick, not hurt, not even sad.
Cody frowned. "I know it's hard for you. There must be something we can do."
"What you can do is leave it the hell alone," Nick said, still looking amused, but his mouth had gone serious. "Please, Cody. As long as I got you beside me, none of that matters, all right? Just remember that. And anyhow, Susie's a damn good substitute."
Nick turned back, leaning over to give Murray a hand out of the water. Murray was followed by Joanna and Susie, all laughing. As Nick reached down to help Susie, Joanna tripped against him and Nick went headfirst into the ocean.
He came up spluttering. "That was a plot! Wait'll next time you want lasagne!"
"Now that's a threat that holds water," Murray said solemnly, then brayed with laughter. "Holds water! Oh, wow!"
Cody rolled his eyes and went to haul Susie and Nick back aboard. No-one pushed him in, although he was half-expecting it. Nick slapped Cody's shoulder as he made it to the deck, and leaned close. "At least Susie and Joanna are getting on better, huh?"
Nick stripped off his soaked shirt and pants, and headed below. Susie grinned, picked up her own towel and followed. Murray went in search of Carla, and Cody held out his hand to Joanna. "I guess it's time I took us in. C'mon."
They weren't far from Pier 56, but Cody ran the Riptide in slow. The city lights were pretty from the water, and he wanted to give Nick and Susie some privacy.
Joanna leaned against his shoulder, wrapped in his old bathrobe, desirable, kissable, feminine and beautiful. But Cody's mind was full of Nick and his confession. Nick had been hurting, that much was clear, maybe for years. And Nick had never told Cody, hardly shown anything at all -- although when Cody thought about it, he realized Nick hadn't been dating much since Cody had started seeing Joanna. Maybe even before.
There was just Susie, who seemed to Cody less like a girlfriend and more like a good time, nice as she undoubtedly was.
"Penny for your thoughts," Joanna murmured in his ear. "You're a million miles away."
"Just tired, I guess." Cody kissed her lightly. "Look, there's pier 56 up ahead." He throttled back even further and eased the cabin cruiser into the close confines of the pier.
Murray came bounding up on deck and dropped the fenders over the side, and Cody brought the Riptide gently alongside. Murray tied her up and Cody quit the engine then scrambled down to the deck. "Okay?" He patted Murray's shoulder.
"That was great fun." Murray, now in jeans and a sweater, beamed. "But where's Nick?"
"Below with Susie, I think."
"So you'll be needing somewhere to stay tonight." Joanna came up behind Cody and put her arms around his waist. Cody started to pull away and stopped himself consciously, made himself lean into her. He was tired, and on edge from Nick's revelation.
"I need to stay home tonight." Cody turned in her arms and kissed her. "You know how sick I was Thursday."
"We don't have to do anything." Joanna pouted a little.
Cody kissed her again, then pulled back. "Like I could resist you," he teased, and saw how much the compliment pleased her.
"You can use my cabin to dress," Murray said gallantly. "And there's coffee."
Cody poured two cups of coffee while Joanna took Murray up on his offer. Carla left with hardly a word, and when Murray re-entered, Cody wordlessly pushed one cup to him.
Murray took it with a sigh. "I think that's it. Finally," he said.
"That's good, right?"
"Yeah, but in a funny way I'll miss her. It's been most of a year." Murray yawned and sipped his coffee. "In the beginning, it's always so exciting. This new person, and they're excited about you, too. Then you learn who they are, and keep on trying to make them fit what you want, you know? And when they don't, it's annoying. You try and change what you want, maybe you try and change some things about them. Meanwhile they're trying to change you. In the end, all you're left with is a whole heap of disappointment."
Cody sipped his coffee. It sounded a lot like what he and Joanna had been doing. "Is there a solution? That sounds soul destroying."
"There was this girl when I was at MIT. It couldn't go anywhere, we weren't in the right places in our lives, but she showed me something. When you meet a person, and you want to fit into their life -- you want to change yourself for them -- that's love. And if that person, in return, doesn't want you to change, and wants to fit into your life -- then you've found your soulmate. The two of you, like that, can find a life together, a fulfilling and happy life. And that's how happy ever after happens."
Cody leaned back in the booth and sighed. He would never be prepared to change for Joanna. That wasn't even up for question. And so far from wanting to fit into her life, he couldn't even imagine a way she could fit into his. He wondered about Nick, and how much he would have been willing to change for Renee.
Nick came slowly up the aft stairs then, Susie at his heels. He was wearing his blue bathrobe, and Susie was dressed and carrying her swim bag. "That was fun," Susie said, giving Nick a quick kiss and smiling at Murray and Cody. "Thanks. And I'll see you sometime, sailor." She kissed Nick again.
"He's the sailor." Nick moved to the table and dropped a hand on Cody's shoulder. "I'm the cabin boy."
"Galley slave," Cody and Murray said in chorus, and Susie headed out the hatch, laughing. Nick followed her just as Joanna came up from Murray's cabin.
Cody stood up, suddenly in a hurry for her to leave, for the Riptide to be just the three of them again. Safe and comfortable.
"Thanks for coming," he murmured, and kissed her. "Sorry I can't take you home." But he wasn't sorry, not in the least. He didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be on his boat with his friends, his partners. More than anything, he wanted to be with Nick.
Cody kissed Joanna again, then gently steered her to the hatch, shaken by his realization. If he was honest with himself, he'd lost interest in Joanna the weekend Nick had gone away. Since then he'd been trying to keep it alive, trying to make it work.
Joanna headed up the companionway. Nick was waiting at the gate, and held it open with an exaggerated bow. Cody watched as Nick locked the gate behind her then headed back down to the boat. He was peripherally aware of Joanna's sedan roaring to life and pulling out, but Cody waited until Nick came aboard to accompany his partner inside.
Chapter Eight
Cody woke from a confusion of dreams, breathing hard. Nick was hurting, Nick was afraid, and Cody hadn't been able to get to him, hadn't been able to help. The images were falling away but the anxiety remained.
Cody pushed himself to a sitting position, shivering a little. It wasn't cold, but the possibility of failing Nick was terrifying, even in wakefulness. Maybe especially in wakefulness. Cody reached up and snapped on the light.
Nick was curled up, face pensive in sleep rather than relaxed. Cody's heart twisted as he thought of Nick's confession, of the pain Nick had been carrying around.
The whole case of Renee St Clair had been a shambles from the beginning, little more than a setup they'd been lucky to escape with their lives. In the middle of that horror, to think she'd stolen a part of Nick, crawled inside him and broken his heart, was unforgivable.
Cody wondered if she knew what she'd done, and decided he didn't care. Either way, she was guilty.
With a sigh, Cody turned off the light and lay back down, but sleep would not return. Every time he closed his eyes, the anxiety of the dream returned, only this time it was Renee leading Nick away while Joanna barred his own path to his friend.
He found himself holding his breath, trying to visualize the ocean, the pier. His world, Nick's world, the place they fitted in together. The world no girl could ever drag them away from.
Cody sat up suddenly and switched the light back on, shaken by his own thoughts. He and Nick did fit together in one world, and it was a world he had no desire to leave. A world which had no room for Joanna, for Renee, or even for Susie.
"What's up, man?" In the other bunk, Nick propped himself up on his elbow, blinking at Cody. "You sick again?"
"No." Cody rubbed his hands over his face. "It's not working with Joanna. I don't want to try and fit into her life. And I'm not prepared to change my life, our life, to fit her in here."
"Sounds serious. You saying you're gonna break up with her?"
"I don't know." Cody glanced at Nick, then away. "I think so."
"Your last chance?" Nick sat up properly, leaning his shoulder against the wall and turning to face Cody.
Cody drew his knees up and leaned forward, making himself small. He kept his eyes straight ahead. "Last chance at I don't know what. House in the suburbs, kids, dogs, yardwork. Sell the boat for the college fund. A new job, a safer job, one with a regular paycheck. Maybe a pass out for Friday night so I can have a beer with my buddies. But only one, so's I get home in time to read the kids their bedtime story."
"Aw, Cody…" Nick's voice was filled with pain. "You think it's gotta be like that? You get to be with the one you love, maybe your soulmate, you know? Sacrifices don't mean much, maybe they don't even mean anything, when the trade off is having that person beside you, every day. Sharing your life. You know?"
Cody shook his head. His heart felt filled with broken glass, every beat jabbing the shards deeper. The only person he wanted sharing his life, every day, was Nick. "Joanna's not my soulmate," he said quietly. "I don't even love her. I don't think I ever did."
Nick slipped out of bed and sat down beside Cody. Cody leaned into him, only realizing he was shivering when Nick's arm went around him. Only realizing he was crying when Nick touched his cheek. "I'm sorry about Renee," he whispered, and he was. Sorry they'd ever crossed paths with her. "But I'm glad you never made those sacrifices for her, because if you'd gone away with her -- if they'd put you in witness protection too and I would've never seen you again -- "
"Cody -- " Nick swung himself onto the bed, making room where there wasn't any and ending with Cody curled into him, held tight. "There's no way," he said fiercely. "I know I said I thought of going back to the army, but I lied. I can't leave you, don't you know that?"
"But Renee -- "
"Renee is just a girl I screwed one time, Cody. She's nothing."
"But you said you couldn't have her and -- "
"That's not what I said." Nick leaned back against the bulkhead and rested his cheek against Cody's hair. "Take it easy, man. What's this about, hey? Did something happen with Joanna tonight?"
"Something Murray said. I can't fit her in our life, and I don't want to fit into hers. Nick, I have the life I want already."
Nick rubbed the back of Cody's neck gently. "Life's all about change, babe."
"I was dreaming about you. And when I woke up, all I could see was Renee taking you away -- Joanna wouldn't let me go after you -- " Cody broke off, and forced an unsteady chuckle. "You know what, maybe I am still sick. All these years of nightmares, and that's the one turns me into a giant noodle?"
"I think what giant noodles need is coffee," Nick said, sitting up himself and guiding Cody beside him. "An' for the record, if someone took you away and I couldn't go after you, I'd be noodle soup."
Cody looked sideways at Nick and gave a small grin. "Would not."
Nick stood up and pulled Cody to his feet. "That's what you think." He kept an arm around Cody, holding him close.
"Only if noodle soup knows how to use grenades, and automatic weapons, and fly choppers, and -- "
Nick started to laugh. "Well, yeah, I'd do that first," he conceded. "But right after, noodle soup."
Upstairs, Nick made a fresh pot of coffee while Cody found an old movie on TV. Some nights he could sleep again, even after horrific dreams, but he already knew tonight wasn't one of them. Distinctive popping sounds from the galley and the smell of popcorn told him Nick understood, and was settling them in for the rest of the night.
Cody sat down at the table and rested his head in his hands. Nick knew him so well. Nick gave him everything he needed. He heard Nick coming up the stairs from the galley and looked up.
Nick poured more water in the coffee machine then set the popcorn on the table. "What?" he asked, studying Cody's eyes.
Cody took a handful of popcorn. "Thanks," he said, and looked away. He knew he hadn't answered Nick's question, but he didn't know if he could.
Nick accepted it, though, with just a nod. He went back downstairs to their stateroom and returned wearing a sweater, and carrying Cody's blue zip-front hoody. "Here," he said, and went to pour the coffee.
Cody slipped into his sweater and sighed with satisfaction as Nick put a cup of fresh coffee in front of him, then sat down on the couch across the room. The only thing wrong with the whole picture was the distance between them, but maybe Nick was right. Maybe a little space was important right now.
Cody turned his eyes to the screen and tried to keep his mind on the creature feature playing out to its inevitable conclusion. Not on the mess he'd made of his relationship with Joanna. Not on the fact that the only life he wanted was the one he had, right now. And the only person he wanted sharing it was the one who already did.
Finally the credits rolled, and Cody gave his eyes permission to drift across the room. Sometime in the last hour, Nick had stretched out on the couch and was either asleep or dozing. Cody stood slowly and poured himself more coffee, then topped up Nick's mug.
Nick didn't stir, and Cody eased himself down on the couch beside him and rested a hand on his shoulder. Nick moved into him but still didn't wake, and Cody smiled. Nick was often a light sleeper, but with Cody, when he knew Cody was awake and on watch, he would sometimes let himself sleep deeply.
"We're so much to each other, big guy," Cody muttered, rubbing Nick's shoulder gently.
At that, Nick's eyelids fluttered open. "Thought maybe your eyes were welded to the TV," he mumbled, and sat up. He picked up his full coffee cup, sipped, and rolled his shoulders. "Thanks."
"Good movie," Cody evaded, taking his own coffee.
"Bull," Nick said easily, leaning back and looking at Cody. "Hey. You don't hafta talk if you don't want, you know?"
"I guess I know that." Cody sighed. "I just don't have any answers."
"Makes sense." Nick drank more coffee. "Got any questions?" he asked eventually.
"What?"
"You got no answers. Fair enough. So I wondered if you had questions instead."
Cody laughed a little, nerves fluttering unexpectedly in the pit of his stomach. "Questions?" he stalled. Why didn't you tell me about Renee? How could you have a soulmate and not tell me? Would you really have sacrificed me?
"Yeah, questions. Like, 'why isn't it working for me and Joanna? When am I gonna find the right girl?' That sort of thing."
Cody blinked. "No," he said uncertainly, thrown off stride. Somewhere between the dream and the creature feature, he'd forgotten this was supposed to be about Joanna.
"So, no questions, and no answers? Hmm." Nick put his coffee cup down and pulled a foot up on to the couch, half-turning to face Cody. He rested his elbow on his knee and leaned forward. "How about I ask the questions, then?"
"Okay." Cody took refuge in his own mug.
"Everything turned to shit for you since I came back, right? Should I have stayed away?"
"What?" Cody slopped coffee in his lap and swore, then put his cup down. His hand was shaking. "No. Nick, for God's sake, no."
"Okay." Nick sighed. "That's how it looks from here, you know? You and Joanna were fine, now she's jealous of me, you're dreaming about me, you wanna break up with her… and for what?"
"For what?" Cody jumped up and paced the length of the room. "For -- for everything. For the Riptide. For the agency. For you and me. That's what I want, not -- not her."
"You and me?" Nick stood up. "Cody, don't do this, okay? You're always gonna be my best friend, no matter what. Don't throw away your chance at a girl because I don't know, you're scared, you don't want things to change -- "
Cody stopped in front of Nick, staring. "You're right, I'm scared," he said tightly. "You left. You didn't ask me, you didn't tell me, you just walked out of here and left me for twelve weeks."
"Eleven," Nick said quietly.
"What?"
"I was only gone eleven weeks."
"Only eleven. My mistake." Cody rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm scared you're gonna do that again. I'm scared next time it's gonna be for good. Turns out all along you had a soulmate I didn't even know about, and maybe she's gonna call you up, tell you she's changed your mind, and how fast can you get there?" Cody shut his mouth with a snap and turned his back, then walked to the table and gripped the edge.
"Wow. Okay," Nick said quietly.
Cody closed his eyes, willing the shivering in his heart not to translate to his body. If he could hold himself together, he could get past this, get through this night and somehow out the other side. "I'm a mess tonight," he said tightly. "I don't even know what I'm saying. You know what, I think I'm gonna walk on the beach a while, get my head together. Why don't you go on back to bed?"
"No," Nick said from just behind him. Too close behind him. Cody tensed, not ready to be touched, not even by Nick. He was too raw. And then Nick enfolded him from behind, wrapping Cody in his arms, his chest against Cody's back, holding Cody close, closer. Nearly close enough.
Cody whimpered softly, letting go. He was too raw not to be touched, too raw not to be held. This was what he'd needed all along. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm out of line, I know I'm out of line, but it was so hard."
"It's okay. You're not out of line. Nothing you need is out of line, okay? Not ever. Not between you and me. You understand that?" Nick pulled him back, up, away from the table and into his arms. "C'mon. Come here."
Cody turned into Nick, holding on, resting in his arms. "I can't do it with Joanna any more," he muttered. "I can't go on pretending she's important to me. She's right, I'd rather be with you than her. She's right, and there's nothing I can do about that."
"So she's not the one. No big deal." Nick held him close, rubbing his back. "You're right about this life we got, pal. It's good, damn good, and until you find what you really want -- " Nick broke off as Cody pulled away. "What?"
Cody sank down onto the couch, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. What he really wanted was contained neatly in the room -- Nick, his boat, the agency. His whole world. "I don't know if there's some girl out there for me, Nick. Maybe I missed out on the whole soulmate thing. Maybe I'm just a fucked up mess and I oughtta be thankful a woman like Joanna'll look twice at me." Cody groaned softly and sat back. "Maybe I just gotta stop overthinking this thing."
"What're you overthinking?" Nick sat down beside Cody, leaving a little distance between them. "Either you love her or you don't. Easy."
"Sounds easy," Cody countered. "What about you and Susie?"
Nick shrugged, lips tightening. "I just think I'm gonna need someone in my life," he said finally. "Otherwise I -- I don't know what I'll do, when it comes down to it."
"What?" Cody half turned to face Nick, staring at him in consternation. "Nick, you gotta tell me what's going on. How long've you known this chick, anyhow?"
"Forever, feels like." Nick smiled slightly. "Leave it, Cody. It's nothing you wanna hear, trust me."
Cody frowned. "It's tearing you up. I can hear that. But all this time and you've never told me -- we don't have secrets, Nick. I would've helped, if I could."
"I've told you before, I don't always tell you everything about my life." Nick reached out and squeezed Cody's shoulder, taking a little of the sting out of his words. "I know, babe. I know that hurts you. But some things I just can't share, okay? And this -- there's nothing you can do, and nothing to make it better. It just is, that's all."
"It just is." Cody bit his lip. "So I have to accept that, watch you marry Susie, stand beside you while you leave me for a woman you don't even love. Is that what you want me to do?"
Nick blinked. "Wait a minute. What did you say?"
Cody looked at him stormily. "You want me to stand beside you while you marry a woman you don't even love, while I know you care for someone else, while -- "
"Not that. The part about leaving you." Nick reached out and gripped Cody's hand. "Even if I married her, I wouldn't be leaving you."
"You want her to share our cabin, is that it? Or maybe Boz is gonna move out? Be serious, Nick."
"So here's the thing." Nick exhaled and withdrew his hand. "When I was thinking about Susie that way, what you gotta realize is I thought you were planning long-term with Joanna. I thought you'd be gone, tucked in a smart condo up the coast someplace."
"What does that have to do with it?"
"Everything, babe." Nick sighed. "I told you earlier, but I don't think you were listening. I won't ever leave you willingly, you know? Until you find that girl, the right one, you got me beside you, whether you want me or not."
"Except the last eleven weeks." Cody stood up and started pacing again. "I wanted you then. Needed you, even. But you'd gone, and I didn't even get a say in it. Tell me, did you meet her that weekend? Is that why you went? Or did she call you up out of the blue, and it took eleven weeks to figure out it wasn't gonna work?"
Nick jumped up, grabbed Cody's arms, turned him around and sat him back down on the couch. "There's no girl. There's never been a girl. Don't you get it?"
Cody stared up into Nick's eyes, resisting, then gave way, all the fight going out of him. He shook his head, looking down. "You left me. You went away and left me and I didn't know if you were gonna come back."
"Cody… hey. I'm sorry, okay? I'm -- "
Cody shook his head again. "It's okay," he said dully. "You don't have to get my permission for everything you do. Hell, turns out you don't even have to tell me when you're in love. An' that's okay, I get it. You're a hot chopper pilot with a chest full of medals and a pretty new girl, an' I'm the poor schmuck who can't sleep through the night unless I got you to hold my hand."
"Cody, will you listen to me? Please?"
Cody gripped his own knees, staring hard at the backs of his hands.The broken glass in his heart was on the move, flowing through his veins, shredding him open. He was vaguely surprised that his hands seemed whole, unwounded. He couldn't listen to Nick. He couldn't even take comfort in Nick's presence, because Nick might disappear at any time. Breathing was getting harder, but he couldn't find the strength to care.
If Nick was gone, there was nothing left for Cody.
Part Three
Rating: NC17
Summary: Cody thinks Joanna might be the one for him. Nick tries to help. Murray's smarter than both of them.
Part One
Chapter Five
Joanna, as a girlfriend, had a number of advantages. Cody knew she must have, because he'd been dating her nine months. It was just that at the moment, he couldn't think of any. She had arrived late Sunday morning, and seemed determined to care for him. Cody gave her points for effort, but as he'd discovered when laid up in the hospital, one talent Joanna lacked was that of sick-nurse.
She'd just gotten done trying to feed him mashed banana and scrambled egg, and her latest plan involved a sponge bath.
Cody had been pushed through the shower by Murray at least four times since he'd come down sick, and was perfectly capable of taking another if he needed it. But Joanna wasn't taking no for an answer.
He was shivering on the bed, stripped, Joanna sponging his groin, when the door opened and Murray walked in. "Hey, Cody, I -- oh."
Cody hauled at the sheet and succeeded only in upsetting the bowl of lukewarm water over himself, Joanna and the bed. He yelled and so did Joanna.
At that moment, Nick followed Murray into the room. He stopped, staring around, at Cody, sprawled naked on the bed, still pulling ineffectually at the sheet, at Joanna, patting at her ruined blouse, at the shocked look on Murray's face, and started to laugh. "You guys sure learned to party since I been gone, huh?"
In one smooth move, he dropped his duffel, grabbed a blanket from his own bunk and tossed it to Cody, then slapped Murray on the back. "Boz, why don't you lend Joanna a t-shirt, you know?"
Nick held the door as Murray flushed and nodded, taking Joanna's arm and leading her out. "Real good, Murray. Make some fresh coffee, too, okay? Me and Cody'll be up in a minute."
"Cody's sick," Joanna said, her voice a little cold.
"So I hear. Doesn't mean he's gotta stay in bed all day." Nick grinned wider. "Specially since his bed's all wet." He closed the door on Murray's wry grin and Joanna's frown, and turned back to look at his partner.
Cody was sitting on the edge of the bunk. He'd planned to jump up and go to Nick, but he'd moved too fast, and his head was spinning.
"Aw, Cody." Nick went to him. "A little sicker than I thought, hey?"
"I'm okay now." Cody reached out without even thinking and collapsed thankfully as Nick gathered him close. "Just dizzy."
"Sure y'are. C'mon, I figure you could use a shower after all that excitement. And I sure could."
It wasn't the first time they'd showered together. Any time one of them needed help, they folded themselves into the small space, holding each other up. Cody knew he wasn't really sick enough to need this but he took it shamelessly, leaning into Nick, enjoying the closeness. After the long weeks apart, it was the perfect balm. He knew Nick felt it too.
"You're home a week early," Cody muttered, resting his head on Nick's shoulder while Nick soaped his back.
"Ran out of fires." Nick squeezed him.
"Really?" Cody squeezed back. "Murray didn't call you?"
Nick's hands stopped moving. "Should he have?" he asked, a worried note in his voice.
"No." Cody sighed. "I've been, uh, fine."
"Uh, fine, huh?" Nick pulled back to look in Cody's eyes.
Cody looked back, seeing the dark circles under Nick's eyes, the weight loss, the tension. It had been as hard on Nick as it had been on him. "As fine as you," he said, and smiled.
"Oh, that fine." Nick's lips twitched. "He shoulda called me, then, pal, because let me tell you, I never want to do that again. You go ahead and marry Joanna, and what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna buy the condo next door, or maybe land the Mimi on your lawn."
Cody chuckled softly, moving closer and fitting his head back on Nick's shoulder. "I don't think I'm the marrying type. If this exercise proved anything, it's that."
Nick sighed, then reached behind Cody to turn off the water. "That's the last thing I wanted to do to you, man."
"I don't know how I thought it was gonna be," Cody said, stepping out of the shower box and reaching for a towel, "but -- "
A moment later he was on his knees on the floor, the incautious move too much for his shaky equilibrium. Nick had him under the arms, stopping him from falling further.
"Easy, pal." Nick lowered himself to the floor, easing Cody down with him. "No sudden moves, huh?"
"Apparently not," Cody said breathlessly. "Ow, that hurt."
"Yeah, I know it must've." Nick stood, grabbed a towel, then helped Cody up. As Cody made it to his unsteady feet, Nick wrapped the towel around him, one arm going around his waist. "Don't think you lost any skin, though."
Cody let himself be guided back to the stateroom and sat on Nick's dry bunk while Nick dressed then stripped Cody's soaked bed. "Now you," Nick said, tossing the wet sheets into the bathroom then returning to Cody's side. "Whaddaya want to do? Sweats? Bathrobe? Or do you want to get back in bed?"
Cody considered it, rubbing his bruised knees. Nick was right, he hadn't lost any skin, but he thought they'd be a shade of purple the next morning. "Bathrobe," he said at last. "Coffee sounds good."
Joanna and Murray were sitting at the table in the salon. The coffee pot and four whale mugs stood in the center, flanked by a plate of cookies.
Cody had done better than he expected with the stairs, and slid down on the couch beside Joanna smiling in triumph. He reached for the coffee pot.
"Cody, no." Joanna caught his hand. "Coffee will dehydrate you."
Smiling genially, Nick took the wicker chair, moved it sideways closer to Cody, sat down and pulled two mugs across the table. Still smiling, he filled them both, added cream and sugar, and pushed one to Cody. "No offence, Joanna, but I can see light through this pot. After what me and Cody are used to, one cup of this stuff wouldn't even dare try an' dehydrate him."
Murray giggled. "You're right, Nick. I've never had your touch with a coffee pot!"
"That's not always a bad thing," Cody said, grinning and sipping his coffee. "Man, I needed that, but I dunno if I'd have been up to a Ryder Special Blend."
"Save that for tomorrow," Nick teased, dropping one hand on Cody's thigh. "That'll get those flu germs on the run."
"You might be right at that." Cody turned to look at his partner, smiling with a mix of affection, amusement and relief. And tiredness. He smothered a yawn.
"Cody, I was thinking I should take you to my place,"Joanna cut in. "That way I can look after you properly. This flu's nasty, and you have to take care -- "
"And not go riding around town," Nick put in, leaning forward and resting his elbows on the table. "He's just fine here. You gotta go to work tomorrow, right? While me and Murray are right here if Cody needs anything."
Cody looked from his partner to his girlfriend, and back. Joanna's lips were set in a tight line. Nick was still smiling, but his eyes were cool and determined. "Quit fighting over me," Cody quipped, trying to lighten the mood.
"Yeah?" Nick dropped a hand on his back. "What do you say, you want to go to Joanna's?"
Cody yawned again. "I want to go to the bathroom," he said frankly. "Thanks for the offer, Jo, but I'm weak as a cat right now and dizzy as hell. Why don't we get together Wednesday as usual? I may not be up to taking you out, but you could come over for dinner."
"I'll let you know," Joanna said in a clipped tone. "I may be working."
"C'mon, big guy." Nick stood, moved his chair out of the way and hoisted Cody up. "I'll help you get below."
*
Murray tapped on the stateroom door and entered without waiting for an answer. It was still early -- Nick and Cody were probably still asleep. But the laundry service delivered early on a Monday morning, and the delivery girl, Cherise, always stopped for a chat. It was, in Murray's opinion, a perfect start to the week -- as long as Carla never caught him at it.
Murray laid the bundle of clean laundry he was carrying down on the chair, then stopped. The stateroom was dim, but even in the low light he could see that Cody's bed was empty, the mattress resting on its edge, drying. He turned his eyes to the right, already knowing what he'd find.
Nick and Cody were spooned together in the single bed, Cody facing the wall, Nick wrapped around his back.
Murray watched them for a moment, then nodded. "Joanna never stood a chance," he muttered, smiling, and slipped out of the room.
Three peaceful, lazy days saw Cody restored to health, and more importantly, his laid-back relaxed self. By Tuesday afternoon, both he and Nick had stopped jumping at shadows, and Cody made it through Tuesday night fever-free. He'd still dreamed, but Nick had been there in the dark, fighting at his side, and there was nothing more he'd ever ask for.
Except to have thought to destroy, or at least hide, the bottle of sleeping pills before Nick had seen them, that was. Cody glanced at the hard profile, six feet away from him on the fantail. It was the furthest Nick had been from him since Sunday, but then, Nick was righteously furious that Cody hadn't told him he'd been having trouble sleeping.
"Of course I had trouble sleeping," Cody said quietly. "What was I gonna do, let myself swing on Joanna? You said yourself she had to work on her right hook!"
"It was a joke." Nick's jaw worked. "I feel like I set you up to fail. You don't dream like that much, man. I don't even remember the last time you took a punch at me."
"I do," Cody said, eyes down. "Maybe I didn't swing, I don't know, but I was fighting. You can stop me, remember. You know how, and even if you get it wrong, you're strong enough to hold me down if you gotta. Joanna -- I just couldn't."
"So sleeping pills." Nick cursed under his breath. "What, every night?"
"When I was with her. The rest of the time, only -- only when I couldn't push through."
"I hear that." Nick made a low noise in his throat, something like a growl. "I'm sorry, okay? I shouldn't'a gone. It seems like my great idea only screwed us both."
"Hi, guys!" The gate clanged and Joanna started down the companionway.
Cody jumped, sat up and called out in response. He turned back to see Nick still wearing the same troubled expression he had a moment ago. "You okay, pal?"
Nick blinked. "Uh, yeah. I forgot she was coming over. Listen, what's the deal? You need me to take a room at Straightaway's?"
"No, she doesn't stay on a Wednesday." Cody squeezed Nick's leg, got to his feet and went to welcome Joanna.
The evening breeze was coming up cool, so they went to the salon. Cody planned to grill out on the wheelhouse deck -- he was better, but not well enough to spend too long in the galley with the oven hot. He looked at the food laid out on the salon table, and called out to Murray.
"Hey, pal, is there another package of steak?"
"No." Murray came up the forward stairs and grinned at Cody and Joanna. He'd picked up steak and salad fixings for Cody earlier in the day, both Nick and Murray having vetoed Cody driving just yet. "Nick and I figured we'd go to Straightaways and give you two a little privacy." He turned to Nick. "Isn't that right, Nick?"
"Uh, sure," Nick said, shifting uncomfortably, eyes on Cody. "But -- "
"But you better go change if we're gonna get there before Mindy's shift finishes."
Cody started to laugh. "You be careful with that roving eye, Boz. If Carla comes out of the office and catches you looking, you'll be for it!"
Murray grinned wider. "Who, me? Mindy's for Nick!"
Nick grinned at that and turned for the stairs. "Got it," he said, amused. "I'm just the decoy. Don't worry, Boz, I'm not gonna keep you waiting."
Cody had fun with Joanna. She seemed gentler than she had in the past weeks, funnier, a better listener. The steaks turned out great, and his salad was acceptable. He even wondered briefly if he should suggest going home with her.
But after dessert, she took her coffee back out on deck and stood watching the night sky.
Cody went up behind her and slid his hands to her warm hips. "Nice," he whispered into her hair.
Joanna turned, gave him a sad smile, and stepped away. When he tried to follow, she held up a hand. "Cody, we need to talk."
"Do we?" He tried out his best get-me-out-of-trouble grin.
Joanna smiled, but nodded. "Tonight -- this was wonderful. The food was great, you made me laugh -- it was the best date we've had in months."
"Surely not in months," Cody replied. "Last week at Straightaway's -- "
"Last week at Straightaway's your mom was there, and when we got home, you know what happened."
Cody remembered his lack of performance and blushed. "I'm sorry, Jo. It was stress or I don't know, maybe the flu coming on."
"The week before it was the case, the week before that you were tired." Joanna looked at him and shook her head. "Don't you see, Cody?"
"See what?"
"It's not any of those things," Joanna said slowly. "You're still recovering from the flu, but you're not tired, you're not making excuses to cut the evening short. Cody, tonight you're the guy I fell for. But all summer, you've been moody, distant, impossible to get close to."
"I'll try harder," Cody said, looking down. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to act like that. I -- "
"I know you didn't. But you see, I know what it is, now."
"What are you talking about?"
Joanna put her coffee cup on the table. "Going into this, I knew you and Nick were close. But I didn't realize that you're someone different when Nick's not around."
"Jo -- I'm not," Cody said lamely. "Nick and I go way back, that's all. It's easier for me to relax when he's here."
Joanna nodded. "So, what now, Cody? You tell me. Shall I go now, so you can be with Nick and relax?"
Cody paled and stepped toward her. "No! That isn't what I meant."
"That's sure what it sounded like. And it's exactly how I feel. You've spent three months acting like every minute with me is torture. Now Nick's back, I'm fun again -- on your terms."
"That's not how it is," Cody said tightly. "We're great together, you and me. You know we are."
"Then come home with me and show me," Joanna said, resting her right hand on her hip. "I'm tired of doing all the work, and I'm tired of taking second place."
Cody swallowed hard. "You're working tomorrow."
"I'm not working tonight," she said sharply, and raised an eyebrow. "Are you coming with me, or staying with Nick?"
"Uh -- " Cody knew his choice should have been simple. But his head was full of objections, all trying to push their way out his mouth. "What about the flu?" he tried lamely.
Joanna's eyes sparked. "I wanted you to come with me Sunday, if you remember," she said coolly. "But Nick won that round."
"I didn't think it was a competition," Cody said, putting his coffee down beside Joanna's. "C'mon. Let me just leave Nick and Murray a note."
Chapter Six
Joanna only had one bathroom, and every time Cody went near it, he found himself in the way of her morning routine. In the end, he settled for instant coffee and skipped the shower, standing back as Joanna hurried into her clothes.
"I would've made you breakfast," he suggested uncertainly.
"Not when I'm working. I prefer to eat at my desk," Joanna said crisply, patting her pastel suit into place. "There." She strode back toward the bathroom. "I'll just finish my makeup. Next time we do this, bring your own car, Cody."
Cody sipped his coffee. They'd arrived at Joanna's and gone straight to bed, despite the early hour. He'd proved himself on her body until his own could no longer respond, and even then, he'd satisfied her a third time with his hands and mouth. She'd clung to him as she drifted off to sleep, sated and, he hoped, happy.
Their lovemaking had been followed by a long, mostly sleepless night for Cody. He'd never thought to bring his sleeping pills, and without them he hadn't let himself do more than doze. Instead, he'd thought of Nick.
Since Nick had been home, Cody's nights had been restful. Even while he was still feverish, Nick stayed close, keeping him warm, cooling him down, fighting his demons. When Nick was close, the dreams had no power.
When Nick was close, Cody was at ease. He never felt that way with anyone else... he never felt that way without Nick.
It wasn't something he expected Joanna to understand.
He followed her into the garage feeling in the way, and wishing he'd ignored Nick and Murray's advice and driven his own car. Only it hadn't been so much advice, Cody thought, remembering Nick taking the keys out of his hands, as direct orders.
The automatic garage door swung up and Cody stopped, hand on the car door, staring out at the street. The Jimmy sat at the curb, and Nick was leaning against the driver's door. Cody leaned down, opening the door a little as Joanna settled into the driver's seat. "My ride's here."
"What?" Joanna looked in the rear vision mirror and froze. "I know I said you should bring your own car, but I didn't mean you should call Nick."
"I didn't." Cody shrugged. "He knows what time you start work."
"Yes, I suppose he does."Joanna looked into Cody's eyes and thinned her lips. "And here I thought I'd won round two."
"It's not a competition," Cody said, stung. "Nick just -- "
"I just want a date where you think about me more than him. You wouldn't think that would be too much to ask, am I right?" She started the engine, and Cody recognized dismissal. He closed the door and followed as she reversed out of the garage. She lifted her hand to him once as the garage door came down, then roared off down the street without so much as acknowledging Nick.
"Seems I've done something to piss the lady off," Nick said with a grin, greeting Cody with a light grip to his elbow. Cody felt himself completing the circuit, his own hand going to Nick's elbow, a brief gesture of solidarity and comfort. An affirmation of their partnership. They'd been doing it for years.
"It's complicated," Cody replied. "You gonna let me drive?"
Nick eyed his partner critically. "No sleep and the fever's back, am I right?"
Cody touched his own cheek and felt heat radiating off it. "I guess," he said, surprised. "Didn't realize."
"Here." Nick handed him the keys with a conspiratorial wink. "Don't tell Murray."
Cody slid into the driver's seat, chuckling, absurdly cheered by the simple gesture. And when Nick climbed in beside him, handed him a takeaway coffee and rested a hand on his leg, Cody's heart filled. There really wasn't anything else he wanted.
Instead of heading back to the boat, he took the turnoff for the yacht club. The parking lot ended in a low bluff over the bay, and he pulled the Jimmy up to the guardrail and cut the engine.
"Everything okay?" Nick asked gently. "Your note seemed kind of short."
Cody glanced over and saw Nick was holding out a box of donuts. He grinned and took the bear claw, grinning wider as Nick's lips twitched.
"She's jealous of you," he said, leaning back in his seat and biting into his donut.
"No kidding." Nick rubbed a hand over his face, then gulped his coffee. "I guess coming by this morning wasn't my best move, huh?"
"Maybe a little overprotective," Cody conceded with a grin. He reached out and put his hand on Nick's leg. "Thanks, though. I was in her way this morning. Kept wishing I had my car."
"Kept wishing I had my partner," Nick shot back, then rubbed his face again. "Listen, I hear you on the overprotective, okay? You hit it fair and square on that one. It's been so hard without you, you know? An' then finding out it was just as hard for you, with the dreams and the pills, and now the flu -- " Nick broke off, then continued. "Just for right now, I feel better when you're beside me."
"I always feel better when you're beside me." Cody leaned back in his seat and sipped at his coffee. He could feel the fever now, messing with his heart rate, making his eyes heavy, making him light-headed. He finished his donut and brushed the powdered sugar off his fingers, then got slowly out of the car.
"Where you going?" Nick leaned toward him, looking anxious.
Cody leaned against the door. "You were right about the fever. You wanna drive home?"
Back on the Riptide, Cody took his belated shower, and went straight to his own bunk. He felt hot, miserable and headachey, and he ached all over.
"Hey, pal." Nick perched on the edge of his bed and rubbed his shoulder lightly. "How you doing?"
"I know, I know," Cody grumbled. "Shouldn't'a drunk wine, should've stayed home, shouldn't've -- "
"Easy," Nick interrupted, pressing his shoulder gently until he rolled over onto his back. "Here. Coffee. Tylenol. Toast. C'mon, trust me. It'll make you feel better."
"It'll make me dehydrated," Cody sniped, but sat up and took the coffee. Just the smell improved his mood, and the first sip felt like heaven. "You made this pot," he said, resting back against the pillow.
"Yup." Nick grinned, handed him his pills, put the plate of toast on the nightstand and retreated to his own bunk.
"Thanks," Cody said softly. He washed the Tylenol down with more coffee and investigated his toast. Nick had gotten real English marmalade from somewhere, a treat Cody loved. "Where'd you find this?" he asked with his mouth full.
"Some little town south of Fort Ord. We were based there for a couple of days, and there was a tourist shop with the English flag. I figured they'd have your marmalade, and I was right. Cost me ten bucks."
"Ten bucks?" Cody raised his eyebrows. "And you bought it anyhow?"
Nick shrugged. "You love it. Not like we buy it every day, y'know?"
Cody took another bite, savoring the tart sweet. He knew without asking what Nick wasn't telling him. In the middle of firefighting, almost certainly exhausted, wired and on edge, Nick had given up a rest period on the chance of finding a treat for him. "Thanks," he said. The word was inadequate, but he knew it was all Nick wanted or needed.
"Just get better, huh?" Nick took a sip of his own coffee. "At risk of pissing Joanna off even more, I'm gonna say no date on Friday, you know?"
"You're right." Cody sighed. "And you're right about how she's gonna feel about that, too. Maybe a movie?"
Nick rubbed his face, then set his coffee down. "You're run down. You know you are, and that's why you're not kicking this flu like you usually do. Think about it this way. If Murray had a fever Thursday morning and told you he was going on a date Friday night, what would you tell him?"
"I'd tell him he was an idiot and threaten to lock him in his room," Cody said without hesitation. "I know, I really do. But I'm tougher than Murray and -- "
"And nothing. You wanna know the truth, I'm damn sure Murray's tougher than both of us put together. He's just more dramatic."
Cody grinned at that. "But Joanna -- "
"Yeah, I'll give you that one." Nick slid his legs over the side of the bunk, sitting up to face Cody. "But if Joanna cares about you, she'll give you the time you need to recover."
"She thinks I'm making excuses to spend time with you instead of her."
"She -- right." Nick stared at Cody, his eyes dark and troubled. "A movie it is. And for God's sake remember your sleeping pills this time." Nick stood up, patted Cody's leg, and left him alone in the cabin.
Chapter Seven
Joanna didn't want to see a movie, so Friday became a sunset cruise with cocktails, dinner anchored off Fisherman's Island and dessert, followed by moonlight swimming and champagne, at a secluded beach Cody knew a little way down the coast.
Nick had elected himself chef, and surprised Cody by bringing Susie aboard. Carla had come, but refused the cocktails, the dessert, the swimming and the champagne. Cody thought she was getting tired of Murray, and he was pretty sure it was past time. By Cody's reckoning, Murray had been done with Carla for at least three weeks, but Murray had always been better at hooking girls than he was at getting rid of them.
They were anchored close in, and no-one had bothered taking the Ebbtide to the beach. Cody lounged on the fantail, watching in amusement as Joanna, Susie and Murray swam. Between the moonlight and the Riptide's spotlight, there was plenty of light.
"Come in, Cody! It's lovely," Joanna called.
"Better not," Cody replied, picking up his champagne. He'd spent the previous day in bed, and felt much better, but he'd avoided the cocktails, and the wine with dinner. One glass of champagne counted as medicinal, but a nighttime swim would be foolish.
Nick returned from the galley and put a cup of coffee in front of Cody. He dropped a hand on his shoulder, squeezing, as he turned to Carla. "There's fresh coffee on inside. Help yourself."
Carla gave a nod and headed for the salon. Cody looked up at Nick. "She's history," he muttered.
Nick nodded. "Murray gonna be okay?"
"Yeah." Cody realized Nick hadn't seen Carla since his return. "Murray's been done with her for weeks."
"I gotta give him some tips on getting loose." Nick chuckled.
"Speaking of getting loose, I didn't realize you and Susie stayed in touch," Cody said easily. "More serious than I thought?"
Nick shot Cody a sideways glance, and sat down next to him. "Not exactly. She's nice, y'know?"
"You always said you hated nice."
"Only when I'm trying to get loose." Nick grinned. "She's nice. She's not crazy, she's not in witness protection, she's not dating you or Murray."
"Ticks all the boxes, huh?" Cody reached out and laid a hand on Nick's leg, squeezing gently.
"I dunno. Maybe I been fighting it too long, you know? Growing up, settling down... maybe it's time I gave it a try."
Goosebumps slid up Cody's spine, unexpected and unwelcome. Nick had only just returned, and now it sounded like he was planning to leave again. "Do you love her?" Cody asked abruptly, withdrawing his hand.
Nick sighed. "I don't think so," he said quietly. "But maybe that doesn't matter. Maybe I don't have it in me to love another girl, you know?"
"Nick!" Cody sat forward, turning toward his partner. "Don't say that, buddy. When it's right, you'll know."
"I know, Cody. Believe me, I know. But I can't have what I want, and -- there's no one else, Cody. I don't have space for anyone else."
"Oh." Cody reached out, one hand on Nick's shoulder, the other on his thigh. "Who, buddy? Not Peggy?"
Nick shook his head, leaning forward and slipping one arm around Cody. He squeezed Cody's shoulders gently and stood up. "Just leave it, pal. It's no use anyhow." He raised his voice, arm dropping away from Cody. "Hey, you guys all drowned out there or what?"
"Renee," Cody said, suddenly certain. "Nick, we could find her. We could -- "
"Get her and ourselves killed," Nick said, turning back to Cody, looking amused. Not heartsick, not hurt, not even sad.
Cody frowned. "I know it's hard for you. There must be something we can do."
"What you can do is leave it the hell alone," Nick said, still looking amused, but his mouth had gone serious. "Please, Cody. As long as I got you beside me, none of that matters, all right? Just remember that. And anyhow, Susie's a damn good substitute."
Nick turned back, leaning over to give Murray a hand out of the water. Murray was followed by Joanna and Susie, all laughing. As Nick reached down to help Susie, Joanna tripped against him and Nick went headfirst into the ocean.
He came up spluttering. "That was a plot! Wait'll next time you want lasagne!"
"Now that's a threat that holds water," Murray said solemnly, then brayed with laughter. "Holds water! Oh, wow!"
Cody rolled his eyes and went to haul Susie and Nick back aboard. No-one pushed him in, although he was half-expecting it. Nick slapped Cody's shoulder as he made it to the deck, and leaned close. "At least Susie and Joanna are getting on better, huh?"
Nick stripped off his soaked shirt and pants, and headed below. Susie grinned, picked up her own towel and followed. Murray went in search of Carla, and Cody held out his hand to Joanna. "I guess it's time I took us in. C'mon."
They weren't far from Pier 56, but Cody ran the Riptide in slow. The city lights were pretty from the water, and he wanted to give Nick and Susie some privacy.
Joanna leaned against his shoulder, wrapped in his old bathrobe, desirable, kissable, feminine and beautiful. But Cody's mind was full of Nick and his confession. Nick had been hurting, that much was clear, maybe for years. And Nick had never told Cody, hardly shown anything at all -- although when Cody thought about it, he realized Nick hadn't been dating much since Cody had started seeing Joanna. Maybe even before.
There was just Susie, who seemed to Cody less like a girlfriend and more like a good time, nice as she undoubtedly was.
"Penny for your thoughts," Joanna murmured in his ear. "You're a million miles away."
"Just tired, I guess." Cody kissed her lightly. "Look, there's pier 56 up ahead." He throttled back even further and eased the cabin cruiser into the close confines of the pier.
Murray came bounding up on deck and dropped the fenders over the side, and Cody brought the Riptide gently alongside. Murray tied her up and Cody quit the engine then scrambled down to the deck. "Okay?" He patted Murray's shoulder.
"That was great fun." Murray, now in jeans and a sweater, beamed. "But where's Nick?"
"Below with Susie, I think."
"So you'll be needing somewhere to stay tonight." Joanna came up behind Cody and put her arms around his waist. Cody started to pull away and stopped himself consciously, made himself lean into her. He was tired, and on edge from Nick's revelation.
"I need to stay home tonight." Cody turned in her arms and kissed her. "You know how sick I was Thursday."
"We don't have to do anything." Joanna pouted a little.
Cody kissed her again, then pulled back. "Like I could resist you," he teased, and saw how much the compliment pleased her.
"You can use my cabin to dress," Murray said gallantly. "And there's coffee."
Cody poured two cups of coffee while Joanna took Murray up on his offer. Carla left with hardly a word, and when Murray re-entered, Cody wordlessly pushed one cup to him.
Murray took it with a sigh. "I think that's it. Finally," he said.
"That's good, right?"
"Yeah, but in a funny way I'll miss her. It's been most of a year." Murray yawned and sipped his coffee. "In the beginning, it's always so exciting. This new person, and they're excited about you, too. Then you learn who they are, and keep on trying to make them fit what you want, you know? And when they don't, it's annoying. You try and change what you want, maybe you try and change some things about them. Meanwhile they're trying to change you. In the end, all you're left with is a whole heap of disappointment."
Cody sipped his coffee. It sounded a lot like what he and Joanna had been doing. "Is there a solution? That sounds soul destroying."
"There was this girl when I was at MIT. It couldn't go anywhere, we weren't in the right places in our lives, but she showed me something. When you meet a person, and you want to fit into their life -- you want to change yourself for them -- that's love. And if that person, in return, doesn't want you to change, and wants to fit into your life -- then you've found your soulmate. The two of you, like that, can find a life together, a fulfilling and happy life. And that's how happy ever after happens."
Cody leaned back in the booth and sighed. He would never be prepared to change for Joanna. That wasn't even up for question. And so far from wanting to fit into her life, he couldn't even imagine a way she could fit into his. He wondered about Nick, and how much he would have been willing to change for Renee.
Nick came slowly up the aft stairs then, Susie at his heels. He was wearing his blue bathrobe, and Susie was dressed and carrying her swim bag. "That was fun," Susie said, giving Nick a quick kiss and smiling at Murray and Cody. "Thanks. And I'll see you sometime, sailor." She kissed Nick again.
"He's the sailor." Nick moved to the table and dropped a hand on Cody's shoulder. "I'm the cabin boy."
"Galley slave," Cody and Murray said in chorus, and Susie headed out the hatch, laughing. Nick followed her just as Joanna came up from Murray's cabin.
Cody stood up, suddenly in a hurry for her to leave, for the Riptide to be just the three of them again. Safe and comfortable.
"Thanks for coming," he murmured, and kissed her. "Sorry I can't take you home." But he wasn't sorry, not in the least. He didn't want to be with her, he wanted to be on his boat with his friends, his partners. More than anything, he wanted to be with Nick.
Cody kissed Joanna again, then gently steered her to the hatch, shaken by his realization. If he was honest with himself, he'd lost interest in Joanna the weekend Nick had gone away. Since then he'd been trying to keep it alive, trying to make it work.
Joanna headed up the companionway. Nick was waiting at the gate, and held it open with an exaggerated bow. Cody watched as Nick locked the gate behind her then headed back down to the boat. He was peripherally aware of Joanna's sedan roaring to life and pulling out, but Cody waited until Nick came aboard to accompany his partner inside.
Chapter Eight
Cody woke from a confusion of dreams, breathing hard. Nick was hurting, Nick was afraid, and Cody hadn't been able to get to him, hadn't been able to help. The images were falling away but the anxiety remained.
Cody pushed himself to a sitting position, shivering a little. It wasn't cold, but the possibility of failing Nick was terrifying, even in wakefulness. Maybe especially in wakefulness. Cody reached up and snapped on the light.
Nick was curled up, face pensive in sleep rather than relaxed. Cody's heart twisted as he thought of Nick's confession, of the pain Nick had been carrying around.
The whole case of Renee St Clair had been a shambles from the beginning, little more than a setup they'd been lucky to escape with their lives. In the middle of that horror, to think she'd stolen a part of Nick, crawled inside him and broken his heart, was unforgivable.
Cody wondered if she knew what she'd done, and decided he didn't care. Either way, she was guilty.
With a sigh, Cody turned off the light and lay back down, but sleep would not return. Every time he closed his eyes, the anxiety of the dream returned, only this time it was Renee leading Nick away while Joanna barred his own path to his friend.
He found himself holding his breath, trying to visualize the ocean, the pier. His world, Nick's world, the place they fitted in together. The world no girl could ever drag them away from.
Cody sat up suddenly and switched the light back on, shaken by his own thoughts. He and Nick did fit together in one world, and it was a world he had no desire to leave. A world which had no room for Joanna, for Renee, or even for Susie.
"What's up, man?" In the other bunk, Nick propped himself up on his elbow, blinking at Cody. "You sick again?"
"No." Cody rubbed his hands over his face. "It's not working with Joanna. I don't want to try and fit into her life. And I'm not prepared to change my life, our life, to fit her in here."
"Sounds serious. You saying you're gonna break up with her?"
"I don't know." Cody glanced at Nick, then away. "I think so."
"Your last chance?" Nick sat up properly, leaning his shoulder against the wall and turning to face Cody.
Cody drew his knees up and leaned forward, making himself small. He kept his eyes straight ahead. "Last chance at I don't know what. House in the suburbs, kids, dogs, yardwork. Sell the boat for the college fund. A new job, a safer job, one with a regular paycheck. Maybe a pass out for Friday night so I can have a beer with my buddies. But only one, so's I get home in time to read the kids their bedtime story."
"Aw, Cody…" Nick's voice was filled with pain. "You think it's gotta be like that? You get to be with the one you love, maybe your soulmate, you know? Sacrifices don't mean much, maybe they don't even mean anything, when the trade off is having that person beside you, every day. Sharing your life. You know?"
Cody shook his head. His heart felt filled with broken glass, every beat jabbing the shards deeper. The only person he wanted sharing his life, every day, was Nick. "Joanna's not my soulmate," he said quietly. "I don't even love her. I don't think I ever did."
Nick slipped out of bed and sat down beside Cody. Cody leaned into him, only realizing he was shivering when Nick's arm went around him. Only realizing he was crying when Nick touched his cheek. "I'm sorry about Renee," he whispered, and he was. Sorry they'd ever crossed paths with her. "But I'm glad you never made those sacrifices for her, because if you'd gone away with her -- if they'd put you in witness protection too and I would've never seen you again -- "
"Cody -- " Nick swung himself onto the bed, making room where there wasn't any and ending with Cody curled into him, held tight. "There's no way," he said fiercely. "I know I said I thought of going back to the army, but I lied. I can't leave you, don't you know that?"
"But Renee -- "
"Renee is just a girl I screwed one time, Cody. She's nothing."
"But you said you couldn't have her and -- "
"That's not what I said." Nick leaned back against the bulkhead and rested his cheek against Cody's hair. "Take it easy, man. What's this about, hey? Did something happen with Joanna tonight?"
"Something Murray said. I can't fit her in our life, and I don't want to fit into hers. Nick, I have the life I want already."
Nick rubbed the back of Cody's neck gently. "Life's all about change, babe."
"I was dreaming about you. And when I woke up, all I could see was Renee taking you away -- Joanna wouldn't let me go after you -- " Cody broke off, and forced an unsteady chuckle. "You know what, maybe I am still sick. All these years of nightmares, and that's the one turns me into a giant noodle?"
"I think what giant noodles need is coffee," Nick said, sitting up himself and guiding Cody beside him. "An' for the record, if someone took you away and I couldn't go after you, I'd be noodle soup."
Cody looked sideways at Nick and gave a small grin. "Would not."
Nick stood up and pulled Cody to his feet. "That's what you think." He kept an arm around Cody, holding him close.
"Only if noodle soup knows how to use grenades, and automatic weapons, and fly choppers, and -- "
Nick started to laugh. "Well, yeah, I'd do that first," he conceded. "But right after, noodle soup."
Upstairs, Nick made a fresh pot of coffee while Cody found an old movie on TV. Some nights he could sleep again, even after horrific dreams, but he already knew tonight wasn't one of them. Distinctive popping sounds from the galley and the smell of popcorn told him Nick understood, and was settling them in for the rest of the night.
Cody sat down at the table and rested his head in his hands. Nick knew him so well. Nick gave him everything he needed. He heard Nick coming up the stairs from the galley and looked up.
Nick poured more water in the coffee machine then set the popcorn on the table. "What?" he asked, studying Cody's eyes.
Cody took a handful of popcorn. "Thanks," he said, and looked away. He knew he hadn't answered Nick's question, but he didn't know if he could.
Nick accepted it, though, with just a nod. He went back downstairs to their stateroom and returned wearing a sweater, and carrying Cody's blue zip-front hoody. "Here," he said, and went to pour the coffee.
Cody slipped into his sweater and sighed with satisfaction as Nick put a cup of fresh coffee in front of him, then sat down on the couch across the room. The only thing wrong with the whole picture was the distance between them, but maybe Nick was right. Maybe a little space was important right now.
Cody turned his eyes to the screen and tried to keep his mind on the creature feature playing out to its inevitable conclusion. Not on the mess he'd made of his relationship with Joanna. Not on the fact that the only life he wanted was the one he had, right now. And the only person he wanted sharing it was the one who already did.
Finally the credits rolled, and Cody gave his eyes permission to drift across the room. Sometime in the last hour, Nick had stretched out on the couch and was either asleep or dozing. Cody stood slowly and poured himself more coffee, then topped up Nick's mug.
Nick didn't stir, and Cody eased himself down on the couch beside him and rested a hand on his shoulder. Nick moved into him but still didn't wake, and Cody smiled. Nick was often a light sleeper, but with Cody, when he knew Cody was awake and on watch, he would sometimes let himself sleep deeply.
"We're so much to each other, big guy," Cody muttered, rubbing Nick's shoulder gently.
At that, Nick's eyelids fluttered open. "Thought maybe your eyes were welded to the TV," he mumbled, and sat up. He picked up his full coffee cup, sipped, and rolled his shoulders. "Thanks."
"Good movie," Cody evaded, taking his own coffee.
"Bull," Nick said easily, leaning back and looking at Cody. "Hey. You don't hafta talk if you don't want, you know?"
"I guess I know that." Cody sighed. "I just don't have any answers."
"Makes sense." Nick drank more coffee. "Got any questions?" he asked eventually.
"What?"
"You got no answers. Fair enough. So I wondered if you had questions instead."
Cody laughed a little, nerves fluttering unexpectedly in the pit of his stomach. "Questions?" he stalled. Why didn't you tell me about Renee? How could you have a soulmate and not tell me? Would you really have sacrificed me?
"Yeah, questions. Like, 'why isn't it working for me and Joanna? When am I gonna find the right girl?' That sort of thing."
Cody blinked. "No," he said uncertainly, thrown off stride. Somewhere between the dream and the creature feature, he'd forgotten this was supposed to be about Joanna.
"So, no questions, and no answers? Hmm." Nick put his coffee cup down and pulled a foot up on to the couch, half-turning to face Cody. He rested his elbow on his knee and leaned forward. "How about I ask the questions, then?"
"Okay." Cody took refuge in his own mug.
"Everything turned to shit for you since I came back, right? Should I have stayed away?"
"What?" Cody slopped coffee in his lap and swore, then put his cup down. His hand was shaking. "No. Nick, for God's sake, no."
"Okay." Nick sighed. "That's how it looks from here, you know? You and Joanna were fine, now she's jealous of me, you're dreaming about me, you wanna break up with her… and for what?"
"For what?" Cody jumped up and paced the length of the room. "For -- for everything. For the Riptide. For the agency. For you and me. That's what I want, not -- not her."
"You and me?" Nick stood up. "Cody, don't do this, okay? You're always gonna be my best friend, no matter what. Don't throw away your chance at a girl because I don't know, you're scared, you don't want things to change -- "
Cody stopped in front of Nick, staring. "You're right, I'm scared," he said tightly. "You left. You didn't ask me, you didn't tell me, you just walked out of here and left me for twelve weeks."
"Eleven," Nick said quietly.
"What?"
"I was only gone eleven weeks."
"Only eleven. My mistake." Cody rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm scared you're gonna do that again. I'm scared next time it's gonna be for good. Turns out all along you had a soulmate I didn't even know about, and maybe she's gonna call you up, tell you she's changed your mind, and how fast can you get there?" Cody shut his mouth with a snap and turned his back, then walked to the table and gripped the edge.
"Wow. Okay," Nick said quietly.
Cody closed his eyes, willing the shivering in his heart not to translate to his body. If he could hold himself together, he could get past this, get through this night and somehow out the other side. "I'm a mess tonight," he said tightly. "I don't even know what I'm saying. You know what, I think I'm gonna walk on the beach a while, get my head together. Why don't you go on back to bed?"
"No," Nick said from just behind him. Too close behind him. Cody tensed, not ready to be touched, not even by Nick. He was too raw. And then Nick enfolded him from behind, wrapping Cody in his arms, his chest against Cody's back, holding Cody close, closer. Nearly close enough.
Cody whimpered softly, letting go. He was too raw not to be touched, too raw not to be held. This was what he'd needed all along. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm out of line, I know I'm out of line, but it was so hard."
"It's okay. You're not out of line. Nothing you need is out of line, okay? Not ever. Not between you and me. You understand that?" Nick pulled him back, up, away from the table and into his arms. "C'mon. Come here."
Cody turned into Nick, holding on, resting in his arms. "I can't do it with Joanna any more," he muttered. "I can't go on pretending she's important to me. She's right, I'd rather be with you than her. She's right, and there's nothing I can do about that."
"So she's not the one. No big deal." Nick held him close, rubbing his back. "You're right about this life we got, pal. It's good, damn good, and until you find what you really want -- " Nick broke off as Cody pulled away. "What?"
Cody sank down onto the couch, leaning forward, elbows on his knees. What he really wanted was contained neatly in the room -- Nick, his boat, the agency. His whole world. "I don't know if there's some girl out there for me, Nick. Maybe I missed out on the whole soulmate thing. Maybe I'm just a fucked up mess and I oughtta be thankful a woman like Joanna'll look twice at me." Cody groaned softly and sat back. "Maybe I just gotta stop overthinking this thing."
"What're you overthinking?" Nick sat down beside Cody, leaving a little distance between them. "Either you love her or you don't. Easy."
"Sounds easy," Cody countered. "What about you and Susie?"
Nick shrugged, lips tightening. "I just think I'm gonna need someone in my life," he said finally. "Otherwise I -- I don't know what I'll do, when it comes down to it."
"What?" Cody half turned to face Nick, staring at him in consternation. "Nick, you gotta tell me what's going on. How long've you known this chick, anyhow?"
"Forever, feels like." Nick smiled slightly. "Leave it, Cody. It's nothing you wanna hear, trust me."
Cody frowned. "It's tearing you up. I can hear that. But all this time and you've never told me -- we don't have secrets, Nick. I would've helped, if I could."
"I've told you before, I don't always tell you everything about my life." Nick reached out and squeezed Cody's shoulder, taking a little of the sting out of his words. "I know, babe. I know that hurts you. But some things I just can't share, okay? And this -- there's nothing you can do, and nothing to make it better. It just is, that's all."
"It just is." Cody bit his lip. "So I have to accept that, watch you marry Susie, stand beside you while you leave me for a woman you don't even love. Is that what you want me to do?"
Nick blinked. "Wait a minute. What did you say?"
Cody looked at him stormily. "You want me to stand beside you while you marry a woman you don't even love, while I know you care for someone else, while -- "
"Not that. The part about leaving you." Nick reached out and gripped Cody's hand. "Even if I married her, I wouldn't be leaving you."
"You want her to share our cabin, is that it? Or maybe Boz is gonna move out? Be serious, Nick."
"So here's the thing." Nick exhaled and withdrew his hand. "When I was thinking about Susie that way, what you gotta realize is I thought you were planning long-term with Joanna. I thought you'd be gone, tucked in a smart condo up the coast someplace."
"What does that have to do with it?"
"Everything, babe." Nick sighed. "I told you earlier, but I don't think you were listening. I won't ever leave you willingly, you know? Until you find that girl, the right one, you got me beside you, whether you want me or not."
"Except the last eleven weeks." Cody stood up and started pacing again. "I wanted you then. Needed you, even. But you'd gone, and I didn't even get a say in it. Tell me, did you meet her that weekend? Is that why you went? Or did she call you up out of the blue, and it took eleven weeks to figure out it wasn't gonna work?"
Nick jumped up, grabbed Cody's arms, turned him around and sat him back down on the couch. "There's no girl. There's never been a girl. Don't you get it?"
Cody stared up into Nick's eyes, resisting, then gave way, all the fight going out of him. He shook his head, looking down. "You left me. You went away and left me and I didn't know if you were gonna come back."
"Cody… hey. I'm sorry, okay? I'm -- "
Cody shook his head again. "It's okay," he said dully. "You don't have to get my permission for everything you do. Hell, turns out you don't even have to tell me when you're in love. An' that's okay, I get it. You're a hot chopper pilot with a chest full of medals and a pretty new girl, an' I'm the poor schmuck who can't sleep through the night unless I got you to hold my hand."
"Cody, will you listen to me? Please?"
Cody gripped his own knees, staring hard at the backs of his hands.The broken glass in his heart was on the move, flowing through his veins, shredding him open. He was vaguely surprised that his hands seemed whole, unwounded. He couldn't listen to Nick. He couldn't even take comfort in Nick's presence, because Nick might disappear at any time. Breathing was getting harder, but he couldn't find the strength to care.
If Nick was gone, there was nothing left for Cody.
Part Three
